The War On Sailing - A Continuous History

Chin Chin Wasn't Just A Fox

2012-01-19T13:29:00.002-06:00

Folklorists the world over (but mainly those who actually use the internet) were startled to discover, in 2011, a wholly new folk-tale which had escaped their attention, if not their notice. "Chin Chin The Fox," researchers revealed, was a hitherto unknown fable character with almost nothing in common with other folkloric foxes, nor those owned by Disney or Warner Brothers or Starbuck's (the coffee chain owns many children's story characters, but has chosen not to share).

Said self-styled "King Of Children" Reginald Hurry, "I recall I was sitting in my room tsk-tsking an article about Aesop when I see on the Porno Channel's news crawl that a collection of stories important to the Hoochie Coochie tribe had been unearthed by nosy Mormon missionaries, who took off with it on their bike. I told my parrot Erich Segal that surely this was a prank!"

Canadian leader-person Stephen Harper, whose house was down the street from the duplex where the manuscript was found, took two long breaths & privatized his old neighborhood. Twenty-three otherwise unassuming Canadians almost lost their methadone privileges. Said one inhabitant, "We've heard the stories around, you know, on the streets, sure, but sometimes we're too busy with our poutine which is, I assure you, as dirty as it sounds."

What are in these stories? Where did they come from? Were there pictures? Folklorists like pictures. Also strippers. To answer this question, several professional tale-gatherers left their favorite titty bar &, still a little drunk, with some glitter in their hair, appeared on the Cable Newsie Network's cross-cultural information spectacular, "Shambles & Lisp."

"Most foxes in folklore are, well, foxy, you know, clever, mischievous" said University Of Littleville Retroactive Professor Of Yesterday Elmer Elvis, "but not Chin Chin. He's hard-drinking. He rides a horse with three wheels. He's straight-talking, he gets the job done. In one story, he completely downsizes the entire Hoochie Coochie pantheon. Also, he steals a lottery ticket from his best friend, a squirrel, & doesn't tell him he won a few bucks. He's kind of a dick."

Adds famous clown Cody Blau, "What I was struck by was the way he chewed tobacco & swore like a priest. They told these oddball parables to their children! By all accounts, the kids who came into contact with Chin Chin's adventures grew up to be self-loathing sociopaths."

But scandal struck quickly, which was irritating, because someone was in the middle of a sentence. What if, suggested private story-collector & Ansel-Adams-lookalike Peabody Headhair, Chin Chin wasn't a fox at all? What if, as Headhair's reading posited, Chin Chin was a laid-off service station attendant from Bangor, Maine?

The uproar in this small academic community was almost audible. The etymologists downstairs actually considered calling the cops. But papers had to be written in order to be peer reviewed in order to be re-submitted with corrections (doesn't anyone use a spell-check?) in order to be queued in order to see the light of day in small, low circulation publications which collect dust on university library shelves.

These determined men & women of letters promptly went to work.

The Sad Plight Of America's Empty Clinics

2012-01-13T10:10:00.003-06:00

In Danforth, Rhode Island (not the city's real name) (at least sources say), there is a Clinic For Hopelessness which also serves, perhaps appropriately, as the gathering place for Zumba refugees. Here, amid the stained, torn posters of Dance Dance Revolution & seventies teen icon Leif Garrett, a former doctor & television green-screen repairman named Henry Lickspittle remembers how to tie a shoelace & look directly into the camera.

"I am an odious man," he says, "but for all my life I've scorned people who collect aluminum cans."

When the Clinic For Hopelessness was thriving, dozens came to be treated & even more came to be mocked. Yet as the economy faltered - indeed, as hopelessness became its own world-view - the Clinic struggled, even once propping open its door to send the message that its doors were still open. This, says former janitor & part-time lisp dispenser Bald Hooligan, is how all the cats escaped.

"I miss them all," he says. "I miss Purrbox & Frown-Frown. I miss Snortstein & Speckles. I especially miss Too Much, Lap Dance, Flossylvania & Richie Rich. I didn't think I'd miss Gerberberry very much, & there were times I really wanted Salma Hayek to just run away, but I think," he sniffles as he wipes away a tear, "I miss those two most of all."

Across the country, in a clinic in the back of a grocery store in Van Capstan, Nevada, it's the pharmacists who have most to lose. Local pill-peddler Jake Potion shows a small delegation from Reuters where his former clients once got their prescriptions.

"The number of people who collapse in the aisles in our nation's supermarkets is growing," he says, tapping a picture of a brain on his tee shirt. "We don't know why it happens, or why it's always the Asian Foods section, or why everyone thinks it's freaking hilarious when the paramedics holler 'Clean-up on aisle ten!' We just know it's easier to wheel them back behind the dairy section & have a professional look at them there."

He has a downcast look. "Those robber-barons on Wall Street took all that away from us," he says.

But is that a fair estimation? One rich person, speaking pretty much on behalf of every rich person in America, says it's not. "Ha ha!" he says. "Tax breaks! Ha ha! Deregulation! Ha ha! Charter schools for our children! Ha ha ha! Job creation! Ha ha ha! I want a castle with a moat!"

In Texas there was once a clinic, called "The Never Say Die Clinic," inside the Alamo. In Louisiana, there was a clinic inside an alligator. In Nebraska, clinics could be seen for miles around after the corn fields had been harvested. Now, it's just a lonesome bison, perhaps, or a recreational vehicle being used to cook meth &/or make pornographic videos.

Bartbleby Oath said in a speech to children earlier this month, "If you want to see how broken is our health care system you can look no farther than fat children breaking their grandparents' arms & hearts with their obese kind of love. I have been meaning to say something about exercise but I am winded. Does anyone know of a low-cost place that doesn't cost an arm & another arm like a hospital emergency room, an intimate place where a health care professional might look at me without the need to be transported by ambulance? No? Not any more? Well, spit."

One of the last remaining clinics in the Pacific Northwest, the Hamster Clinic, survives thanks to private donations, mainly from wealthy rodents. But Lucius Hamster, the clinic's only employee & quite possibly a doctor, knows even his days are numbered.

"You can only make so much money treating pets," he laments. "I wish human beings would come in for health care. Perhaps I should change the clinic's mascot."

What will happen to all the empty clinics in this nation in decline? The "hazardous materials" trash receptacles do look, as some pundits have noted, rather tacky in a deli. Most are too small to support a roller rink. While many of the nation's mail carriers have eyed them voraciously, the postal service in Washington has reminded them they, too, are closing up many shops.

A troubled nation tries to find its insurance card &, with a sad sigh, drives to the nearest religious-themed hospital.

Inconvenient Prophecies! New Year's Irresolution!

2012-01-03T16:26:00.004-06:00

Banish yes the furthermore thoughts of ill-repute in this divine sector of soul galaxy number one! Sub rosa ab ovo the fiercest of charlatans will converge on chatter-town & blatherskite within mere moments of the veil-lift in upper lower & sideways round! Come ye closer no more to always hear what lies aboveboard resisting both law & urge as scoop reveals what stab cannot!

Brethren? Is that thee? Hasn't harpies made killjoy of arse all? Sit if you can't stand, stand if you must, but one more glowing comet in the sky hand-shackles the dimly-lit mind of human racers! Didst thou not ken it were an competition? Sit or stand as my main man unfolds the map of the plan on the bandstand hand-to-hand & back again! The soundtrack of your laughter!

Were you never called Betsy as a rule? Didn't someone ever break a rose in your face? If wine makes you cry, do you keep bottles filled with winter & dew? When someone takes your pulse, do they hear the roaring twenties? Let us now in effect disregard the efficacious yes/no question as volcanoes ignore somnambulism! Let us give the slip to the on/off switch in print form!

Didst thou they think thirsty & thin thieve & thump in thy youth? Then it turns out there's no money in puzzling the proselytized! You have been given an entirely new year for manhandling, fondling & freakiness, faithful flukes - scratch out in greatest detail what graffiti has been painted in the brains behind your eyes! O indignity shake my left hand heartily! O grateful animals we!

News Item! Literature In 2011 Largely Contained!

2011-12-16T15:11:00.003-06:00

The disheartening trend of early 21st century novels to be written by people with either one name or four continued this year, Publisher's Meekly reported in their annual We're Not Kidding edition. Writes editor Herman Candy Cane, "We encourage everyone this year to send us copies to read because it's really expensive for us to buy them ourselves. I'm not kidding guys!"

In Bavarian Poetry news, more verse about castles appeared on castle walls than ever before, despite the imminent collapse of the European Union & a healthy dislike of castles, as reported in Castles Semiannually. "At least they're not those hip-hop tags," says Castle Sales Manager Heinrich Rich at Royal Properties, Luxembourg. "They're just so gauche."

Reeling from not winning any awards for the tenth year in a row, former goat-cheese inhaler & now conservative novelist Newton Mean decided to boycott other writings this year, possibly even his own. "When I was in high school, & a white person was president, & Richard Dean Anderson smiled at me," he told his blog, "that was the America I wanted to write about."

A small group of book critics have, meanwhile, abstained from book reporting & end-of-the-year lists because "they just don't enjoy reading so much anymore." They join the Professional Blurb Writers Of North America in their disdain of modern letters. "You look at the title, you look at the writer's name," said Vice President Morey Moses, "& then you make shit up. No one cares."

Factual Truth! The Director Can Be Also An Actor!

2011-12-13T14:53:00.003-06:00

Something unhealthy architects know to be true has also found its way to the theater, motion picture, & television industry (though not necessarily in that order). Former celluloid consumer Goodyear Blurp explains: "We have long assumed one is one where one is done & that is that, but I have seen that THIS IS NOT THE CASE."

Unhealthy speculation has long been a hallmark of the creatives and their ilk, but what observers have witnessed while voyeuristically watching a nearby spectacle has shaken up an already perennial flappable racket: actors directing, writers acting, set decorators suggesting dialogue, caterers fetching things, producers actually producing.

Stock car racers & former Hare Krishna apologists have led the field in active criticism of what former president G.R. Ferd calls "Cross-pollination in the worst cross-dressing way." News channels have rushed hungover reporters into the melee, asking questions like "How long has this been going on?" & "Does anyone hear that strange smell?"

To get to the bottom of this, many fictional characters have promised to tell "their side of the story" in the nutrition information box where high fructose corn syrup normally dominates. Meanwhile this tendency may have moved on to other walks of life, not limited to but including housekeeping, usury, & stripping.

Where will it end?

Factual Truth! Empty Town Opportunity!

2011-12-08T08:17:00.003-06:00

In America, towns disappear all the time. But where do they go? It's the subject of a new Phlogiston Channel's "reality" series called "Waffle Station." Hosted by the star of the sitcom "Wombat," Clash Squeeze, the program examines communities & spends too much time napping in scenic graveyards. UFO Groups provide the commercial support.

Says Squeeze, "I never even met a woman who rollergirls or ultimate fights. There's just no way it's me dressed as a bimbo in those online galleries." Executive Enforcer Damon Mooser cites a 1997 clinical trial as inspiration for the series: "I have virtually no sense of spatial recognition & it has served me well."

American audiences can expect the show if they want, but previews in the former Soviet Russia as well as war-torn Canada have had little or no effect on the local economy. "If it's motor sports they want," critic Perl Gootbloot wrote in the San Salvadore Daily Hurrah, "it'll be like propaganda radio from World War Two all over again."

Already many small American villages have volunteered to abandon their townships in order for a chance to appear on the show. "We have even poisoned the soil with radioactive aluminum," said one resident of Dallas, Texas, before being carted away. "Waffle Station Fever" is a term no one has yet used.

Check your local listings.

News Item! Holiday Census Scandal!

2011-12-06T08:51:00.002-06:00

Former mining executives have reportedly entered into a plea bargain with prosecutors in a case involving wild west-style saloons & bordellos. One lawyer for the flea circus, on condition of ambiguity, has issued a series of word balloons in an attempt to enliven the proceedings. Those still on the fence have been asked to get down.

Soon enough the government has felt the need to get involved. Former Census Taker & current Secretary Of The Interior Monologue, Herbert Umbrella, revealed previously unclassified, now redacted, documents which establish place, time & mise-en-scène but don't give away the plot in the manner of modern movie trailers.

"There are evil people in high places," asserts Umbrella, who holds a chain letter for no apparent reason. "Do you know how thin the air is in high places? No? Ask an Inca if you can find one. Or a llama if you're so inclined." Nearby a crowd of volcano divers passed out petitions for funding for a reality television series.

With Christmas this year grievously undermanned (but, tellingly, not underwomanned), officials unwilling to sit down & be still now charge representatives from rival parties with obstruction & conundrum. Experts warn now that the decision may end up at the Supreme Court, as if that's a bad thing, though non-experts can't say either way.

News Item! Photographers Overextended!

2011-11-17T10:29:00.002-06:00

While taking digital snaps of a failed supercomputer in Maracaibo, veteran shutterbug Morey New Amsterdam had a revelation. "It's all this Saxon blood in me," he explained to representatives from the Children's Television Workshop. "I'm always apologizing to people for sending email when really a telephone call would be more appropriate."

This & other news rocked the photojournalism world in a week where paid & non-paid camera jockeys realized that they're more threatened by habitat loss instead of, as they previously believed, hair loss. The other news, incidentally, involved interesting facts about German South-West Africa that had to be seen to be believed.

As always, fear has its detractors. & no one detracts more than Marvin Demagogue, owner of Pete's Pictures & a part-time pizza pie admirer. "Listen, we can be afraid of Michael Richards or any other cast member from Seinfeld," he told a crowd of one admirer & her friends, "but at the end of the day we use flashes for light. We always have."

As a nearby building is demolished to make room for other nearby buildings, artiste & paparazzo alike gather sullenly to contemplate the end of an era, & fight over whose pictures of it are better. "We pretend we're older children," one darkroom veteran mutters grimly, "if only we'd been invited to all the spelling bees we never won!"

Factual Truth! Nothing Remains!

2011-11-15T12:30:00.002-06:00

Somewhere near the American side of Lake Huron, the little camp where Balthazar Montgomery became a Boy Scout Junior Class lies undiscovered by modern methods. "How the green could grow over so many of my childhood memories is disconcerting," Montgomery said, his voice scarlet & quivering. "Can we blame Hitler?"

More people who live near the lake would rather blame Singapore, the country in which, in the 2010 National Day Rally, one junior minister who shall not be named twitted from his Tweeter account some vague disrespect for three girls he had met from Michigan who had no desire to return to his apartment to watch Thai ladyboy videos.

But in a Bingo Parlor with a condemned sign out front in Alpena, former grandmother Dorothy The Rain unlights a cigarette and commiserates with a reporter who hasn't won a single game yet. "It's not like people I used to know to take things so sensually," she tells him. "It's more like my former lovers in the Newark Tornadoes, rest their souls."

By used skyscraper salesman and H.P. Lovecraft impersonator Byron Coastal sees something like sentimentality in such earnest winsomeness. "Without vague remnants of our rumbling past," he says, "surely we're just another channel on Uruguayan television that some insomniac skips past before throwing up his dinner." He adds, "Aren't we?"

Factual Truth! A Failure Of Cogitation!

2011-11-10T08:31:00.003-06:00

The phrase "lose one's mind" has an interesting etymology which no-one has tried to suppress, & that has bothered Rogue Linguist Betty Pebbles. "What good is transgression," she asks in her new portfolio, Sailor, "if it does not transgress - or to put it another way - I am nothing like my father or my mother you jerk!"

For many who are not, as the saying goes, "in their right mind," such polemics disrupt the natural flow of pith & gobbledygook. Fifteen people standing around no more makes a "flash mob" than seven people accidentally hearing "The Streak" makes a Ray Stevens fan base. There is no such thing as "vintage" prescription pills.

Some psychological grifters exist primarily among celebrity endorsements. Other mavericks in the head-shrinking game find it difficult to convince their CPAs that liquor and whores constitute a "deduction." While fashion travesties such as the "modern straight-jacket & tie" still sell in Milan, they rankle professionals here.

"Am I led to believe you believe everyone else is Batman?" asks prime rib enthusiast & oftentimes doctor Mel Goddard. In lieu of an answer, he also asks, "Why do you think they pay me for this clap-trap?" Controversy as circumlocution: when the checklist of sanity is only half-way finished, it gives the mind so much more to do.

News Item! Incidents On The Rise!

2011-11-03T10:43:00.002-06:00

At the end of the last fiscal quarter, retailers & the abject projected another dismal round of economics jargon. Because someone who has read about the foreclosure crisis is bound to talk loudly, the uselessness of convincing family members was added to the by-laws. Meanwhile, in Osaka, three farmers watched their rice wine ferment.

When if ever did the legal profession hire as many prostitutes as in 2010? Data hidden on the government's computer are not suitable for children or the mentally giddy. One such program in Ames, Iowa, is teaching dollar bills to talk, cry, & fold themselves. It was, it turned out, a good year for organized crime & disorganized religion.

The FCC may ban programmers who chew gum & sing on the air. The current administration, somewhere rated as "impatient" to "hasty," wants more fines but is fine if "fine" is finally redefined to curb inflation. Two celebrity chefs suspected of insulting vegetarians were accidentally fed each other's feces without condiments.

Broadcasters & auto body repairmen alike bemoan our nation's tragic but inevitable declension. It will take more than everyone buying one newspaper a year to save the auto industry. Before this generation leaves its polluted lake of fire to its children, it must pause to reflect on how little is known about the colors on the average map.

News Item! Orlando Vanishes Overnight!

2011-11-01T09:44:00.003-06:00

After the excitement of the latest "World Series Of Croquet," thrill-seeking time-killers are chasing another demonstration: high-flying illusionism. One buff fellow with a dyed cowlick explained, "Staying hydrated is fine, but it's just not enough for the mentally bankrupt, the upwardly moderate, or the tail-draggers anymore."

Meeting online & sometimes by your leave, these party-poopers-with-a-purpose delight in learning things & often forgetting them later. One small enclave in Washington Heights has spray-painted its ideas for pseudonyms on the side of the company van for seventeen days straight. Neighborhood vandals have complained to their union.

In downtown Salt Lake City, naked skateboarders frighten passers-by, but do-or-die DIY freak Headly Underwater applauds this audacity in a note read out loud anonymously: "We are passionate people in a passion-fruit world, drinking the very tea of ourselves without sugar or cream. We floss while we drive. Our teeth may be how you identify our corpses!"

With a movie discussed, an audio book listened to, & a new kind of snack to be added to popular "pub mixes," this spunky & vibrant movement predicts it has a future, albeit one that will happen later. Self-described "librarian" Amy Speck has written its "vision plan" on her neck: "It's none of your business how many jazz albums I own!"

Factual Truth! Area Friends Abandon Shaving!

2011-10-27T07:42:00.004-06:00

Hirsutism is on the rise in many American cities including non-contiguous ones. While this makes the members of dozens-strong United States Association Of Delipatory Enthusiasts (US-ADE) optimistic, a strong contingent of the Non-Gay Hairdressers Society, as well as Scissors & Razors Unanimous, have pressed government agencies & well-meaning scientists to discover the cause before it's too late.

"I'm not queer!" wonders Atlanta barber-like person Irving Limp. "Just because I cut hair doesn't make me any more homosexual than you holding a notepad makes you a stenographer." His companion, a lovely piece of cheese named Mortimer, added, "You so hairy you like Cousin It hee hee." Customers to Limp's shop, The Straight Razor, have often left with more hair than they had when they arrived.

While physicists admit to hearing about this phenomenon on public radio, biologists & medical doctors play it close to the vest. "So what if some shaggy folks have decided to emerge from wherever the fuzzy live?" murmured famed life science model Dr. Elton Sorry. "Do you really think we give a hoot? What happened to all that government money anyway? Do you sometimes think I'd look better in blue?"

But what of those stricken with this generally uncomfortable condition? What options have are available to them? "We could donate their hair to children without any or little hair," says part-time philanthropist & former head-butter Christine Clocks. "Most children, through no dint of their own, remain stunningly hairless." With few solutions & almost certainly no problems on the horizon, a nation takes its own pulse.

Factual Truth! Trotskyites In Louisiana!

2011-10-25T10:01:00.002-06:00

Everyone knows how Leon Trotsky (born Lev Davidovich Bronshtein, 1879-1940) died, but there are, as always, conflicting accounts on how he wiled away the hours. That inconvenient groups often gather to mimic his notorious moustache has been widely attested to, and even imitated in animation, but the rise of "Trotsky Cosplay Clubs" in Louisiana, almost an American state, has caused turmoil there.

Bobby Jindal, not the former governor but a female impersonator with the very same name, is among the fevered many who fear for their parish's livelihood: "Why Trotsky? Why now? Why not Mao? Why not Deng? I've seen the Stalinist Jazz Band down in Norleans, but Trotsky sang off key! Get these rabbits out of my house! I own a mansion & a yacht! If you're going out can you bring me more sugar!"

People who don't apparently have "indoor voices" notwithstanding, professional jailers like local celebrity Burton Gator appeared ambivalent: "Political theory is not my strong suit. My strong suit is armor. Like from King Arthur days. & King Arthur would tell you now, one, stay away from my wife! & two, Marxism was discredited by the rise of telemarketing & the fall of the Soviet fried chicken franchise. The end."

Since it's almost certain these assertions are false & just being reported to rile people up, this reporter has found no Trotskyites in or around the state of Louisiana, despite a few Leninists who have a bait shop in Texarkana. That's why authorities have arrested some long-haired Dungeons & Dragon players & made them confess to being male cheerleaders. As National Guard troops are prank-called, the story remains elusive.

Factual Truth! Extended Diaphonous Courtesies!

2011-10-20T10:30:00.002-06:00

The number of sports teams in the contiguous United States has now more than quadrupled in earnings & emptiness. But did you know there was a time when a stick was a stick & a ball was a bearing? In a newly published "imagined historical treatise," Professor Kenneth Smash, DDS, attempts to trace the pantsless & sportsless United States of the Jeffersonian era to today, when sports instead of pants is the rule.

Critics are already spotty. An amateur chimney sweep & ESDN broadcaster who shall remain noseless has weighed in at two-hundred twenty-three pounds: "It's as fair as you can imagine but if you're going to get into a fight dude don't pick a fight with a judge, referee, umpire, or clown." The Americana Parcels, in a budge match with the O Canadian Pukes, issued separate statements of intent.

As summer turns overlappingly to autumn, meteorologists took time off from caffeine to meet in St. Louis for Judy Garland's sake. Ted "Doppler" Dopeler, winner of the prestigious "Colored Radar Stick" at last year's Weather Emmys, mentioned that history is not nor should be his strong suit: "You've heard that saying, right? If you don't like the weather around here, then fuck you!"

Can we learn from realities that really don't exist? Theologians look around furtively but prefer instead to have some tea. As websites explode with "other timelines," the profitable & obviously sleazy world of organized sporting prefers to look ahead to the next paycheck - & the next opportunity. Nerf Salesman Kermit Blurb says what others could be thinking: "If I didn't have sports, I might have other, better facts in my head."

Factual Truth! A History Of Long Names!

2011-10-18T10:14:00.002-06:00

While everyone can name their first & most famous "long name," the Terrence Snoot Department at the on-air University of Curls has introduced its bold initiative, "The No Less Than Seven Syllable Project." Director of the center, Hans Dicks, explained, "Is this mic on?" His assistant, the quite striking Kate Quake, added, "See that red light? If the red light's on, the camera's on."

Not to be outdone, Chinese researchers chose instead to focus on the country's energy needs. Yet in India, where the Devanagari script has rebounded on the country's Linguist Market, huge strides have been made to increase the length of historic places by adding more attractive vowel sounds. Two factions have arose, but lack of funding & the need for more time with their respective families has so far prevented conflict.

Europe, too, has thrown their threadbare hat into the ring. Enlisting powerful Welsh elocutionists, the EU (European Utterers) has begun referring to thousands of place names with many more sounds than apparently necessary. Public reaction is mixed - the National Society Of No Time To Do That in Belgium has threatened, when available, to oppose this, while the Direction Givers Of Spain have embraced the change with gusto.

The President, aware of the United States' slipping rhetorical reputation, has asked his party to introduce a bill in Congress, or generally wherever the party may be, to rename Washington, DC, to a difficult (& frankly unprintable) fifteen-syllable tongue twister. As usual, the opposition has gone on television to discredit the idea, thereby creating hundreds of hilarious clips of stupid old men trying ridiculously to repeat the name.

The world has expressed its intense admiration.

News Item! What Television Is Telling The Government!

2011-10-14T11:16:00.002-06:00

As the fifth unnamed choir leader is arrested this week for treason, churches with their own television stations are up in arms. Pastor John Plenty told an audience the Neilsen company estimated as "few" with the condition "if any" that he's "nearly out of his asthma medication" & "I do not, according to Bible precepts, tell my wife everything I am doing." The Christian blogosphere ate just enough till they were full.

This underlies the troubled relationship Americans have with cluttered faith. A diagnostician with the United Airlines Mock Medical Team told the Neww Yorkk Timess that he "didn't know scalpels blades were that sharp ouchy!" In tears, a mother of four told a father of six that too many people see colored maps of the world these days, but not enough know the secret story of Rand McNally, his wife Sally, & their hero dog Pally.

While certainly not justifying putting the words "Christian" & "cinema" together in any meaningful way, young digital camera auteur Burt Christ refuses to believe recycling isn't a scam. "Recycling, bicycling, streptocycline - aren't they all just made up by the devil or his Uncle Sam?" he said to a wall near his apartment. "Until the people of this country wake up, I will not reattach the snooze button to my alarm."

All in all, Americans love their televisions but treat them like their pets. Television on the other hand has settled out of court with the strippers they met in 2009. Both thrive on scandal, yet one also needs a daily fix of fast food advertisements. Does this explain how some Christian churches manage to foster unrest, terrorism, leprosy, hangnail? The President's Blue Ribbon Panel will undoubtedly forget to ask.

News Item! Does No One Remember Canada?

2011-10-13T13:46:00.002-06:00

As an example or exercise, use the search engine of your choice and see if you can find Vancouver. At 6:43 am this morning, in a heavy downpour & with no hesitation whatsoever, oversleeping cartographers everywhere experienced what their spouses called "either an anticlimactic spasm or a half-hearted panic attack." The reason? Says Mason Longe, a Denver cartographer & pineapple spokesperson, "I couldn't find Canada!"

Several Canadians attempted to talk to the press but were not understood due to thick Newfoundland accents. One zookeeper, who was looking for a famous missing leopard in a New Jersey brothel, gladly sang to reporters & showed a tattoo of Chris Christie that he had himself drawn on his stomach. "I once sat through an entire television show filmed in Canada," he said. "Never again."

The President, who was bravely fighting off zombies in front of an unnamed model train store, refused to put down his shotgun & comment. The opposition, engaged in cosplay based on the new "Li'l Reagan" cartoon on Fox News, were both furious & pusillanimous. The Dungeons & Dragons game at Carl Thompson's house went off without a hitch - unless you count Teddy Hickens eating all the barbecue Pringles which Carl totally does.

Realizing they could now vote on their phone for pennies a serving, some teenagers refused to believe that there ever was a Canada. "Maybe it was an inside job," said Melody Hogg of Poughkeepsie, New York. "Like the Lincoln assassination. Or the Lincoln bedroom." More legislation will be proposed in Oregon, as usual. You can open the door now - it's only climate scientists & they've promised to be good.

News Item! Time For Children In The Holidays!

2011-10-11T11:55:00.002-06:00

New computer applications can teach your children to tell the time in nautical miles, reports Consumer Consumer magazine. It's all part of the Autumn Christmas Fashion issue, available on bookshelves & of course in your grocer's freezer. A sneak peek inside the four thousand page, glossy-sided, highly combustible periodical reveals many pages intentionally left blank.

What of the families in today's economy who don't know how to make a stew with only a catalog & a handful of weeds? One charity program based out of an Evangelical church in a Mormon's basement in Dallas, Texas, provides a daily meal to the homeless consisting of a buttered bun & a small piece of candy stolen from a doctor's office. Complaints are met with a sharpened crucifix poked up against the jugular.

"We can't rely on churches to feed us," said famous fat person Link Download, "& of course the government forgot to hang up the phone so all we get is a busy signal. The solution is rich people!" He stood on a bluff outside Bob Dylan's Malibu estate as he instructed a ragtag group of hobos, the disenfranchised, the dispossessed, & other classic rock fans to camp on his lawn until the singer-songwriter brought them the menu.

With nearly one in every other obvious group of children in clear distress, statisticians have a lot to answer for. An administration executioner declined to discuss leaked plans for another round of economic poisonings, citing the opposition party's strange glee in killing their own. As Christmas approaches, then, the laughter of Santa Claus may for many be the uneasy sound of a priest giggling at you.

News Item! More Information About Wresting!

2011-10-07T09:59:00.004-06:00

In the crime-ridden sections of San Diego, California, shopping carts full of aluminum cans do not stand abandoned for long. Social workers with just one earring in the left ear & clipboards made out of clear plastic put pen to paper but hesitate & look around. Three officials from the United States Census Bureau, including one who can't help but look like a puffin, chat morbidly outside a condemned building about the recent Comic Con.

"An oxygen-rich diet is fabulous, but you need nitrogen, too," says former mayor & current automaton Ralph Metallic. "You could have been anything that you want to, & I can tell the way you do the things you do." But sandpaper forger & nude model Henry X. Furred sees it another way: "If it wasn't touched by Steve Jobs during his previous life, it's not applicable to my day-to-day."

While churches do not necessarily approve of half-naked youths grappling sweatily with one another while family members look on, the Manly Association Of Youth Pastors has lobbied heavily for adolescent wrestling. A Baptist youth minister from Phoenix, Jack Closet, has even put up a website with himself dressed as Jesus wrestling with pubescent boys in order to drum up support.

But what of the ongoing civil rights violations of Christmas hoarders? No one can say for certain which local non-profit has spent a few dollars looking for a lawyer. There's a drawing of a sea otter at the mouth of a large gutter which delights everyone who espy it. Which is not to say locals don't grumble about this & that; it's just that the air quality, especially from the Pacific, is not what it used to be.

News Item! Crumbling Infrastructure Opportunities!

2011-10-06T09:00:00.004-06:00

It's the fourth bridge disaster in as many disasters. We have been told stories of people who like to watch things fall down on an empty stomach, but this record crowd of innocent & frankly quite guilty bystanders has set records for castastrophe attendance in dying Midwestern cities that the Sun Belt will have a hard time topping. Suffice it to say, fried bread sales are through the roof.

A Federal Marshall with a long face & a tie covered with Disney characters kept the peace with gentle verbal sparring & the occasional gunshot to the sky. Local anatomists with powerful binoculars competed in the identification of random body parts & the town's morticians conspired with swimming & drug-sniffing dogs for their own nefarious purposes. The Red Cross stood around talking to each other in racial terms.

Whom do we blame for this & other so-called national tragedies? One of the town's fat cats, who has renamed himself Jonathan Pemberton Citizens United III, put his cigar out in his butler's uncomplaining palm & told reporters in a stage whisper, "I will make more money rebuilding this bridge with serfs than with union members!" He then left for his morning jog & circus taunt.

Where then are the common people in this? The amount of free jelly distributed by the churches cannot & will not be tabulated by government regulators. One protestor's sign, which read, "An itch is not always accompanied by an scratch," won an award for Best Margin, while three journalists attempt to master the Etch-O-Sketch. We are happy to report that, so far, no narwhals have been harmed.

News Item! Cheese Mite Scandal!

2011-10-04T07:45:00.002-06:00

Sad little news correspondents on a limited budget gathered in Modesto yesterday to win praise & blame from various corporate headhunters attending the annual Blood Sport Convention, sponsored by every cola on the market. This year's protestor, a fellow named Ted with a tattoo of a spider on his forehead on his neck, half-heartedly held a sign at the door that read in big red letters "Peace Of Mind!" There were reports of violence & lawbreaking, but they came from within the Modesto Convention Center.

Know-it-all science person Edwin Fancypants discussed the probabilities on access television: "First came radio, then television, then internets. Ever-so-slowly the blanket of information swaddled us, while time & corruption burped us, & that left only the leaflet of spanking to mush up the applesauce of learning & spoon it into our toothless, ever-wailing mouths of time."

Sometimes when you see a woman weeping on the street, they are tears of joy. Bringing the criminal justice system into a conversation or a family matter complicates things, especially if there are people in pantsuits with clipboards. One scholarly wag defied noted etymologist Charles Würd & declared, "All my speaking components can be traced back to Middle High Frisian!" & won a spot on a daytime television commercial.

But will the city settle for synthetic cheddar until the cheese mites can elect a new village elder? The children express their disapproval by stomping their feet & airing their parents' dirty laundry. The forbidden words "import/export" refuse to leave the lips of the more prudent, & of course it's the lactose intolerant who, as history bears cold witness to, suffer the most.

News Item! An Introduction To Slovenly Prostitution!

2011-09-05T22:55:00.004-06:00

Thanks to the "Great Recession," the relatively easy-to-imagine occupation of prostitution may be granted "equal status" among other serf-like employments as clerk & person-who-fetches-things. Economists with low self-esteem have begun writing dirges to imagined fallen comrades, replete with exotic venereal diseases. Scores of terrifyingly made-up women whose only job hurdle was once the remoteness of logging concerns have now found themselves in major American cities.

Said one bespectacled fellow on the occasion of an understaffed news report: "Certainly new ideas ought & should be considered alongside the old ideas which we have frankly lost respect for. In this century, let it not be said we abandoned castles & keeps, but that we fortified like a daily vitamin the nutritiousness of our malnourished American system with the most important meal of the soul."

As expected, biker groups & the asthmatic have proven worthy adversaries in online simulations. The popularity of television-show-flavored mints & ammunition fueled speculation among the declining & the so inclined about whether "this" might make it all the way to "their town." A meeting of Republican governors resulted in a predictable arm-wrestling match, as well as three reported cases of pink eye.

Who among the citizenry might cleverly arrange the flowers of our times into a vast rainbow conspiracy? Even those who can't believe that John Denver is dead still manage to spend too much time looking but not touching. So too the woes of a country in a state of disarray have come to feel like a portly dentist faced with the meth-mouth of history. As expectations are properly bandied about, neutral observers watch, learn, & otherwise look a little smug.

New Items! Gas Stoves Of The Future!

2011-08-03T16:49:00.004-06:00

A new study by one well-known political group that no one has bothered to discredit has those Americans who fondly remember Grit (America's family newspaper) well & truly up in arms. The flashpoint appears to be a small poem about natural gas "fracking" placed underneath a drawing of a brassiere from a 1895 Sears & Roebuck Catalog, sent as an attachment to an email advertising some coupon savings plan. It is, one source said, the worst disaster among America's excitable elderly since Medicare Part D got all freaky.

One senior group, Americans Who Are Older Than They Look, has sent out a press release in a bottle cast upon the waves of dissent. One member's grandson explained, "He was happy & he just got settled into the home, & now this? Will you look at this room?" A consultant & part-time representative for some seeing-eye dogs made the mistake of using words like "telegram" & "orgy" in mixed company, & was given a stern talking to, as well an elbow in the groin. Staff at the local mixed-media centers have frankly never seen anything like it.

"You see this all the time," staff member Edna Purviance, no relation except the name to the great silent film actress, said. "In the streets, on the avenues, down the boulevards & up the alleys." A member of the town's corrupt but likeable constabulary refused to comment, although he did give everyone a little half-sized business card which is apparently all the fashion, & which had a picture of him holding a taser & his blog's URL.

Sitting on their hands in Washington, sometimes with a male model nearby, the nation's Congressfolk have picked the absolute right time to ignore this. The cable news networks as well as the nation's modest but scrappy syndicate of late-night cable-access shows have chosen to invest heavily on scrying & other forms of fortune-telling. Reports have come in that that, as well as the fact that every night they really need to walk the dogs, will rob this issue of the momentum needed for resolution.

News Item! Your ID Card Is Your Only Friend!

2011-07-19T08:54:00.002-06:00

The National Identity Administration, in association with the Bureau Of Personality, has announced the issuance of brand-new, holographic, only slightly radioactive ID cards, which you will need to carry with you at all times, especially if you intend to enter Sectors 1 through 94, or if you intend to rely upon the government for all your potable water needs.

A statement released anonymously by some fellow we suspect is Frank Butler, who lives on King Street in a very handsome ranch-style home which was built in the mid-1970s, asserts that the new ID cards will make you more popular with the opposite sex, if that is your wont, and will also keep police, palace security, and leftover Pinkertons from beating you to a pulp with truncheons if you display it when asked.

Critics who have been silenced point out that many of the new ID cards have incorrect photographs on them, many of them in fact resembling the photos one finds in new wallets of models posing as family members. This should not be a problem, since those checking the IDs will not be looking at any pictures. All security personnel have been trained in olfactory techniques which allow them with 72% accuracy to "sniff out" fraudulent cards. Beware of police officers with colds!

To obtain your new ID card, simply get in line at the new Identification Center in your neighborhood. There should be one on every street corner by the end of this week. Do not attempt to communicate with anyone until you get your new card. One the back are suitable topics for conversation which you can use when the next new ID card is issued in six weeks.

Remember to bring your coupons and have correct change if possible.

News Item! The Return Of The Euphemism

2011-07-07T13:15:00.003-06:00

It's been too long, but the euphemism has apparently returned, and among its colleagues, it could not have been too soon.

"Oh indeed," said longtime friend Dooney, who stopped what he was doing long enough to talk to cameras. "I remember the first time, actually, which was the same as the last time. That's how important it's been and how much we've been feeling the lack."

Unrelated to the story, a series of disappearances of the nation's silverware continues to baffle both amateur laundromats and the ethical.

The euphemism could not be reached for comment, but you could leave a message with his service, who are very professional and businesslike and do not sound at all like they're in Nepal, which they are.

The President, who had spent some time with the euphemism before, during and usually after college, pretended not to hear the question when asked. When asked later what exactly the question was, the news squire who had asked it demurred.

The euphemism is reported to be in talks with the estate of Victor Mature about a possible collaboration.

Maynard Holtz & The Limits Of Human Incompetence

2010-11-04T14:23:00.000-06:00

Who was Smiley Man Smiley? The answers surprised no one. From a day spa in Oklahoma City's controversial "strip mall district" (also known as "Oklahoma City") to the oil-spattered shores of Angola (specifically Sumbe, but it could be true for Benguela as well) messages were sent, unencrypted, in briefcases & pinned to children's shirts so they wouldn't forget. "Amortization" was the magic word & every other default was someone else's fault. The other every other? The authorities would come to blame Maynard Holtz.

Known socially for casting & filming his own birthdays since he was twelve, Holtz employed a "plumber" (which was a code name for a real plumber with a gay ponytail who owned a sniper rifle signed by Charles Whitman) discovered in a mercenary magazines & the new, non-digest-sized TV Guide, who was known as Smiley Man Smiley. Smiley Man Smiley himself employed a cadre of Jim Croce impersonators who operated out of a studio known as the Bad Bad Leroy Brown building but who, as far as authorities could ascertain, were never hired to perform any of the soft-rock star's hits at parties, private functions, or clubs. It was suspected, of course, that they were the "plumber's friends," which made them the laughingstock of all meetings of the United Cover Bands Union, where they found relief only when the members of a suburban Foreigner tribute band would attend.

Holtz was seen cavorting (although other witnesses would claim he was carousing) with Smiley Man Smiley during at least three commercial breaks when Oklahoma City denizens would come out of their condominium cubicles to sit politely at a bar & watch three-fourths of an episode of "The Sons Of Anarchy" at a time. Holtz himself welcomed these diversions from continual church attendance, but never danced nor drank nor pinky-swore, as was sometimes the custom. The three confirmed conversations with Smiley Man Smiley would begin as shouting matches, but soon settled into what bartender Robert Magoo called "a huddle." This proved to be wise: with the two men so entangled, no one could hear what they discussed.

No one but Oklahoma City ATF Agent Jeremy Slow. Slow made his fortune by installing restrooms in Oklahoma City gas stations, & happened to be at Willard's Gas & Snax, the same gas station where pigeons were first cloned, when he saw a scribbling on the wall of one of his famous men's rooms, which read something like, "For a good time, call the Division Of Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms." One short night course later, he had been put in charge of the agency's Malignancy Division. Though short of funds & staff - he was allowed only twenty dollars a day & a faithful sidekick who had lost his ability to discern sarcasm at Waco - Slow noticed Smiley Man Smiley at a famous dog breeder's funeral, &, followed him after the chaos that ensued when they attempted to inter the man's dogs in his tomb. The commotion was caused by the fact that the dogs were still very much alive.

Smiley Man Smiley thought he had lost the plucky ATF rookie, but Slow had slipped into an adult video store where, it turned out, Maynard Holtz had his own private booth. Often confusing it for a confessional, Holtz told the Asian peep show dancers everything, including his bloody oil dealings in Angola, his numerous failed attempts to blackmail actual stars to appear on "Dancing With The Stars," & the financial deals which had him purchasing mortgages for disaffected Mexican drug lords, who mainly just wanted an in-ground pool & perhaps a nice little bungalow, somewhat away from the property, where they could keep their mothers-in-law fat & happy.

As expected, Holtz gave up everyone, especially Smiley Man Smiley, who, as you doubtless know, turned out to be none other than Roger Chillingworth, the antagonist of Nathaniel Hawthorne's masterpiece of sin & guilt, The Scarlet Letter. Being a fictional character, he was not allowed to take the stand, but it is said he still visits Maynard Holtz in his day-prison, & often gives him rides home at night, where the two stare bewilderedly at Holtz's ankle-bracelet monitor & get a little angry when commercials interrupt their favorite sitcom reruns.

As a post-script, Jeremy Slow, fresh from his first & only triumph as an ATF agent, quit the agency & now lives as a retired steamboat captain in land-locked Missoula, Montana.

The Sad News

2009-06-05T07:43:00.003-06:00

Yes, newspapers are dying a horrible death, while American culture, unable to see truth past ideology, crippled by a financial crisis exacerbated both caused & "helped" by greedy moneyed people insensitive & apathetic to anyone or anything but their class, their corporate overlords, & their bottom line, falls sadly to pieces, to be replaced by who knows what, & in the middle of it all, forces more sinister than even those (whose evil is banal & whose appetite is vulgar & obvious) seek to replace some standard of justice & right with twisted hurt & sadistic want - friends, the future has never looked more bleak. Not, of course, if you weren't aware of the War On Sailing.

Sadly, the War On Sailing radio show is no more. While I would love to blame it on pressure from above, or sneaky corporate misdirection, or confounding & scheming from within, the fact is, the War On Sailing offices are in need of tidying & relocation. I will attempt to update the playlists for the final two months in the near future, & continue to compose and collate dispatches from the front, & the back, & probably the sides. It may be too much to expect dispatches from the seedy underbelly, which is how one client got impetigo, & of course it's just unpleasant to get dispatches from the rear.

Will it reemerge at some point? I wonder myself. Just stay tuned.

"War On Sailing" Playlist March 15, 2009

2009-04-27T13:22:00.001-06:00

This was a very long show during a very short Spring Break. & that's the long & short of it.

Screw Radio: "I'm A Generation X" from I'm A Generation X
Roots Manuva: "C.R.U.F.F." from Slime & Reason
Blacklisted Individuals: "Fist Full Of Strife" from Fist Full Of Strife
Volcano Suns: "Four Letters" from All-Night Lotus Party

Matmos: "Count Tweakula (Donnacha Costello Remix)" from American Breakbeat Rebuilt
Sleepy Eyes Of Death: "Shattered Limbs" from Dark Signals
Bad Sports: "All The Time" from All The Time
Howlies: "Dirty Woman" from Trippin' With Howlies
Broken Family Band: "The Booze & The Drugs" from Balls

The Bad Plus: "Variation d'Apollon" from For All I Care
Headhunters: "Rima" from Survival Of The Fittest
Jean-Luc Ponty: "Rhum 'n' Zouc" from Tchokola
Amon Düül II: "Archangels Thunderbird" from Yeti
Lejeune: "Replaced By Robots" from For Club & Country

Ruth Copeland: "Suburban Family Lament" from Gimme Shelter: The Invictus Sessions
King Clarentz: "Martha Stewart" from Day Of The Supermodel
Jerry Lewis: "Sunday Driving" from Jerry Lewis: Capitol Collector's Series
Carrots: "Secret Since '99" from Local Live Volume 13: Stimulus Package
Built By Snow: "All The Weird Kids Know" from Mega

P.O.S.: "Savion Glover" from Never Better
Illustrate: "Winter Lady" from The Stuff
AYB M.O.D.: "Turn Back The Clock" from G.A.M.M Allstars Doin James
Philip Glass: "Island" from Glassworks
Gourds: "Foggy Blossom (Mechanical Bride)" from Cow Fish Fowl Or Pig

Arborea: "Onto The Shore" from House Of Sticks
Depth Affect" from Modellbilder: "Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Vol. 24: Endless Summer Edition
Michna: "Triple Chrome Dipped" from Ghostly Swim
The Great Luke Ski: "What's Up Spock?" from Unconventional

Kasai Allstars: "Katuulu Balu" from Congotronics 3: In The 7th Moon, The Chief Turned Into A Swimming Fish & Ate The Head Of His Enemy By Magic
Badawi: "Enter The Heretic" from The Heretic Of Ether
Guild League: "Mouse Vs Mountain" from Speak Up
Lucksmiths: "Good Light" from First Frost

Bertha "Chippie" Hill: "Trouble In Mind" from Fattenin' Frogs For Snakes: The Essential Recordings Of The Blues Ladies
Lightnin' Hopkins: "Gamblers Blues" from Devil's Blues
Clarence Pinetop Smith: "Jump Steady Blues" from Piano Boogie Woogie Vol. 2
T-Bone Walker: "Mean Old World" from Colored

Bran Flakes: "I Comb My Hair Sideways" from I Have Hands
Aurora Plastics Company: "No Place For Restriction" from No Place For Restriction
The Thoughts: "1235" from Consider The Bear
Eugene Mirman: "Joking & Lying/Jack In The Box/Extreme Bowling" from En Garde, Society!
Abe Vigoda: "Don't Lie" from Reviver EP

The Belleville Outfit: "Caroline" from Wanderin'
Klaus Nomi: "Metronomi" from Za Bakdaz
Billie Holiday: "Gloomy Sunday" from Lady Day: The Best Of Billie Holiday
Blue Giant: "Lonely Girl" from Target Heart EP

Charles Spearin: "Mrs. Morris" from The Happiness Project
Los Destellos: "Para Elisa" from The Roots Of Chicha: Psychedelic Cumbias From Peru
MC Solaar: "Paris Samba" from Chapitre 7
Dadamnphreaknoizphunk: "Waiting (feat. Jen)" from The Cheerleaders Are Smiling At You

The War On Sailing. Detailed & delineated Sundays 7 to 9am on KVRX Austin.

"War On Sailing" Playlist March 8, 2009

2009-04-27T13:16:00.001-06:00

Some people, I hear tell, can recreate radio shows from playlists in the same way baseball fans can recreate ball games from the descriptions in the little boxes in the newspapers. This playlist, then, is for those people.

Ryan Lee Crosby: "Nicoline" from Out To Dry
One Happy Island: "Shorthand" from Promotional Sampler
Mystic Zephyrs: "It's Much Too Soon" from Maybe
Tanya Donelly & Dylan In The Movies: "The Lovecats" from Just Like Heaven

Dim Dim" from Riri: "Little Darla Has A Treat For You - Volume 17
Squarepusher: "The Coathanger" from Just A Souvenir
Hypnoz: "Generation Qui En Veut" from Compte Avec Moi
Bran Flakes: "Dance Of The Sugarsnap Fairy" from I Have Hands
Yusef Lateef: "Nile Valley Blues" from Reevaluations: The Impulse Years
Fight Bite: "Age Of Faith" from Emerald Eyes

Johnny Dollar: "Action Packed" from Gene Vincent Cut Our Songs: Primitive Texas Rockabilly & Honky Tonk
Gary Numan: "Me! I Disconnect From You" from BBC Sessions
Amar Singh Chamkila: "Jija Lak Min Le" from Kings & Queens - The Best Panjabi Roots Music
Billy Eckstine & His Orchestra: "I Love The Rhythm In A Riff" from The Savoy Story
Academy Of St. Martin-In-The-Fields Under Neville Marriner: "W.A. Mozart: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik (Serenade), K. 525; 1st. Movement" from Amadeus: Original Soundtrack Special Edition: Directors Cut

Lee Fields: "Problems" from Problems
The Final Solution: "Girl In My Life" from Brotherman Soundtrack
Norman Rose: "Deteriorata" from Greatest Hits Of The National Lampoon
Robyn Hitchcock & The Venus Three: "What You Is" from Goodnight, Oslo
Abashed: "Exploitation Is Cool!" from Green Light Go!

Dent May & His Magnificent Ukulele: "College Town Boy" from The Good Feeling Music Of...
The Colours: "Helplessly Hoping" from Colours
Ezra Weiss: "Get Happy" from Get Happy
Peanuts Hucko: "Memories Of You" from Peanuts Hucko - Vol. 2

Elder Utah Smith: "Two Wings & Every Man's Got To Lay Down & Die" from I Got Two Wings
Claude Rains: "Joseph & His Coat Of Many Colors" from Bible Stories For Children
Ashra: "Deep Distance" from New Age Of Earth

You don't just have to do for this show, either. There are more at kvrx.org. Your brain will bleed.

"War On Sailing" Playlist March 1, 2009

2009-04-27T13:11:00.001-06:00

Do I look fat in this playlist?

Bosque Brown: "Train Song" from Baby
Blue Giant: "Lonely Girl" from Target Heart EP
La Fille d'Erne: "Ta Petite Amie (I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend)" from Ramones Forever: An International Tribute
Howlies: "Sea Level" from Trippin' With Howlies
Big Sonny & His Furies: "Fail Safe" from Fail Safe

Distant Seconds: "Half A Believer" from Spectral Evidence
The Juan MacLean: "One Day" from The Future Will Come
Mux Mool: "Night Court" from Ghostly Swim
Spoonie Gee: "The Big Beat" from The Big Beat
Captain Dan & The Scurvy Crew: "Hook It Up" from Rimes Of The Ancient Mariners

Freddy Kempf: "Impromptu No. 4 In C Sharp Minor, Op. 66, 'Fantaisie-impromptu'" from Chopin: 4 Ballades / Polonaise-Fantaisie / Fantaisie-Impromptu
Glenn Miller & His Orchestra: "Song Of The Volga Boatmen" from A Legendary Performer
Frank Teschemacher (with Eddie Condon & Quartet): "Indiana" from Clarinet Masters
George Wild Child Butler: "Axe & The Wind" from Willie Dixon - Mr Dixon's Workshop

Kutumba: "Maitighar" from Folk Roots
Rokia Traore: "Kounandi" from Tchmantche
Charles Steven Page: "Suddenly" from Bizarro Compilation #1
Juni Jarvi: "If We Just Want To" from Wherever Thou Art

Del Reeves: "Barroom Talk" from Friends & Neighbors
Salesman: "Beekeeper" from Sweetheart
Rattlesnake Cooper: "Rattlesnake Blues" from Howling Wolf Blues: The Story Of Talent & Star Talent
Johnny Nicholas: "Tell Me Why" from Bocce Boogie

Earthtribe: "Indian Dope Trick" from Indian Dope Trick
Spaceships Are Cool: "Let Things Go" from Spaceships Are Cool
Robert Tilton: "Singing In Tongues" from Jesus Made Me Do It Volume 2
Fishboy: "Talking To The Doctor After Pressing The Elevator Button That Grew On Your Forehead Overnight Causing Your Legs To Grow Uncontrollably" from Zipbangboom

You'd tell me, right? Right?

"War On Sailing" Playlist February 22, 2009

2009-04-27T13:04:00.001-06:00

I heard tell of a President's Day like no other, where all the famous dead presidents appeared in a deejay's head, & he woke up only slightly more confused than he normally did, it being 6am on a Sunday & only thirty minutes since he went to bed. Then, without warning, he played this music on the radio:

Bennis Hess: "Novelty Yodel" from Wild Hog Hop
Pains Of Being Pure At Heart: "Come Saturday" from Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
Tears Run Rings: "Send Me Back" from Always, Sometimes, Seldom, Never
Dear Nora: "The Sign Of The Times" from Three States: Rarities 1997-2007

Yuksek: "Break Ya" from Away From The Sea
Powerfunk: "Kill Your Children" from Pie!
Roxanne Shante: "Let's Rock Y'all" from Bad Sister
Femi Kuti: "Do You Know" from Day By Day
Oto Psoa: "Les Chemins d'Allahabad" from Asian Vibes
The Appleseed Cast: "Like A Locus (Shake Hands With The Dead)" from Sagarmatha

Buddy Tate: "Texas Twister" from Buddy Tate: The Texas Twister
Ernie K-Doe: "Here Come The Girls" from New Orleans Funk
Original Dixieland Jazz Band: "Livery Stable Blues" from The First Jazz Recordings, 1917-1921
Harry Simeone Chorale: "Onward Christian Soldiers" from The Ember Records Story Volume 1

Bronnt Industries Kapital: "Underground" from Haxan
Bell Telephone Labs: "Computer Speech" from Computer Speech
Lucksmiths: "California In Popular Song" from First Frost
Sally Timms: "Dreaming Cowboy" from Cowboy Sally's Twilight Laments... For Lost Buckaroos

The Secret History: "The Ballad Of The Haunted Hearts" from Desolation Town EP
This Microwave World: "In Hospital" from The Same Things Kill Your Kids
Sad Day For Puppets: "Marble Gods" from Unknown Colors

Mrs. L Reed & Mrs T A Duncans: "Light In The Valley" from Goodbye, Babylon
Big Joe Williams: "Coffeehouse Blues" from 55 Years Of Blues
Lee Hunter: "Back To Santa Fe" from Down Home Blues Classics 1943-1953
Sidike Diabate, Batrou Sekou & Djelimedi Sissoko: "Asumuka" from African Roots
Xela: "You Are In The Stars" from Tangled Wool

Where did this happen? Perhaps you didn't hear it, but you can find it on Sundays from 7 to 9am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin.

"War On Sailing" Playlist February 15, 2009

2009-04-27T12:29:00.002-06:00

Do you remember the mid-Februarys? They say that they never quite catch on, but you can get caught on one of them. Here's what was caught on this past mid-February:

Belle & Sebastian: "Stars Of Track & Field" from The BBC Sessions
Provision: "Intruder" from Visualize
Klaus Nomi: "Valentine's Day" from Za Bakdaz
Edan: "Syllable Practice" from Primitive Plus
Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip: "Angles" from Angles

Natacha Atlas: "When I Close My Eyes" from The Best Of Natacha Atlas
Rokia Traore: "Tounka" from Tchmantche
L'Altra: "Goodbye Music" from In The Afternoon
Antony & The Johnsons: "Kiss My Name" from The Crying Light
Phil Phillips: "The Evil Dope" from The Evil Dope

Freddie Keppard: "Messin' Around (Cookie's Gingersnaps)" from The Legend
Hank Locklin: "You're The Reason" from Happy Journey
Kinney Abair & Sonny Boy Terry: "Mr. Rockefeller" from Texas Harmonica Greats
Jimmy Holiday: "The Turning Point" from Dave Godin's Deep Soul Treasures: Taken From Our Vaults, Vol. 1

Rusty Warren: "The Newlyweds" from Knockers Up
Distant Seconds: "Your Politics" from Spectral Evidence
Voyeurism Is The New Tattoo: "Luxuriator" from Luxuriator
The Reflecting Skin: "Traffickers" from Ghostly Swim
Benga" from 26 Basslines: "Diaries Of An Afro Warrior
The Mackrosoft: "Hold Up" from Antonio's Giraffe

Michael Jacobson: "Concerto Da Camera: Allegro (Fisher Tull) (with the Baylor University Brass Quintet)" from Mixed Company
Dent May & His Magnificent Ukulele: "I'm An Alcoholic" from The Good Feeling music Of...
Tamiya Lynn: "Mojo Hannah" from In Yo' Face!- The Roots Of Funk, Vol. 0.5
Ruthie Foster: "Stone Love" from The Truth According To Ruthie Foster

Burning Hearts: "The Galloping Horse" from Aboa Sleeping
Aissaoua Brotherhood Of Marrakesh: "'Ada (Part 2)" from Morocco The Music of Islam, Vol. 5: Aissaoua Sufi Ceremony
Angelo Badalamenti: "Dance Of The Dream Man" from Music From Twin Peaks

The old post is still standing. It stands Sundays from 7 to 9am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin. Then, slightly worn out, it sits again.

"War On Sailing" Playlist February 8, 2009

2009-04-27T12:13:00.001-06:00

One mild February morning, this happened:

South Austin Jug Band: "Po' Boys In The Glovebox" from Strange Invitation
Lucksmiths: "Day Three Of Five" from First Frost
Pataphysics: "You Make Me Feel Like A Weirdo" from Take A Look Out Your Window
Pains Of Being Pure At Heart: "Everything With You" from Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
Kryptic Krew feat Tina B: "Jazzy Sensation (Manhattan)" from Jazzy Sensation

Macott: "Live Again" from Art Project
Gavin Bryars: "White's SS" from From Brussels With Love
Tsimba itsoka: "Hapana Kuti Mbijana" from Oliver Mtukudzi
Lee Wiley: "Let's Do It" from Two Classic Interpretations Of The Immortal Cole Porter
New York Electric Piano: "Fireblossom" from King Mystery

Graham Chapman: "Chapter One - Perinatal Development & A Few Other Bits (Excerpt)" from A Liar's Autobiography
Manfred Krug: "Wenn's Draussen Grün Wird" from Ein Hauch Von Frühling
Archibald: "Stack-A-Lee, Pts 1 & 2" from Gettin' Funky: The Birth of New Orleans R&B, Vol. 1
Raymond Scott: "Sleepy Time" from Soothing Sounds For Baby: Volume 1 (1 To 6 Months)

Fireworks Night: "Down To The Lake" from A Mirror, A Ghost
Evil Mom: "If I Were Zooey Deschanel" from If I Were Zooey Deschanel
Distant Seconds: "Even The Help Are Dancing Now" from Spectral Evidence
Lucy Stewart: "The Laird O'Drum" from Classic Ballads Of Britain & Ireland Vol. 2
O Death: "A Light That Does Not Dim" from Broken Hymns, Limbs, & Skin

Bearsuit: "More Soul Than Wigan Casino" from Oh:io
Cake On Cake: "Classical Music Quiz" from Hymns I Remember
Glowstick Mountain: "Grandma" from Business Deal Band Lotto
Loney Dear: "Airport Surroundings" from Dear John

Robert Fripp: "Evensong: Tallinn" from At The End Of Time: Churchscapes Live In England & Estonia
Secede: "Kingdom Of Hearts" from Tryshasla
Lena Horne with Henry Levine's Dixieland Jazz Group: "Aunt Hagar's Blues" from 1936-1941
Arthur Godfrey: "Sumer Is Icumen In" from Sing-A-Round With Arthur Godfrey

It happened Sunday 7am to 9am, & will again, though most definitely not in this sequence. At 91.7 on the dial, KVRX Austin.

"War On Sailing" Playlist February 1, 2009

2009-04-27T12:06:00.002-06:00

Look, kids! Another playlist! It's astonishing what happens when one writes down what one is playing on the radio!

Benny Barnes: "A Poor Man's Riches" from Country Music At Its Best - Music Sampler Vol. 4
Miss Lana Rebel: "Road Song" from All I Need
Pure Jade Green: "How's He Gonna Find Me" from Psychedelic States Texas In The 60's Vol. 1
Bambara: "Shake" from Bambambara
Frank Caliendo: "Scooby Doo/Super Friends" from Make The Voices Stop

Business Lady: "Royal Dancing" from Torture Footage
Freescha: "Foresty Forest" from Christmas Lights
Arliss Parker: "Oh My" from Handsome Like A Lion
Harpo Marx: "Harpo Woogie" from Harpo In Hi Fi/Harpo At Work
Tricorn & Queue: "A1" from Continual Passage
Erik Satie: "Ogives IV (Reinbert de Leeuw, piano)" from Early Piano Works

Baby Face Leroy Foster: "My Head Can't Rest Anymore" from An Introduction To Chicago Blues
Dennis Brown: "Westbound Train" from The Story Of Jamaican Music: Tougher Than Tough
Joe Carroll: "Land Of Ooh Bla Dee" from Man With A Happy Sound
Johnny Littlejohn: "Bloody Tears" from The Best Of Slide Guitar

Fatback Band: "King Tim III (Personality Jock)" from Kurtis Blow Presents The History Of Rap, Vol. 1: The Genesis
Sugarloaf Gangsters: "Sayin' It & Doin' It" from G.A.M.M Allstars Doin James
Blackbird Harmony: "Turpentine" from Hardwood Exits
The Tallest Man On Earth: "Into The Stream" from Shallow Grave
The Secret History: "Mark & John (Bring On The Glitter Kids)" from Desolation Town EP

Distant Seconds: "The Manual" from Spectral Evidence
Tennis Pro: "Shelly Gets High" from Are You There God? It's Me, Tennis Pro
Religious Knives: "Decisions Are Made" from The Doo
Miss Frances: "Fun With Instruments" from Fun With Instruments

Frantics: "Worshippers 'R' Us" from Boot To The Head
Gerald Wilson: "Guarachi-Guaro - Part 1" from Chronological 1946-1954
Cracow Klezmer Band: "Galgalim" from The Cracow Klezmer Band Plays John Zorn Sanatorium Under The Sign Of The Hourglass: A Tribute to Bruno Schultz

The War On Sailing. Now with nutritional vitriol! KVRX Austin!

"War On Sailing" Playlist January 25, 2009

2009-04-27T11:55:00.002-06:00

The past, captured in a list of things, to help you remember what you did on this day in history. Hoorah!

Ui: "Sexy Photograph" from Sidelong
A Certain Ratio: "I Feel Light" from A Mind Made Up
Doug Sahm: "The Ballad Of Davy Crockett (with Tom Blackburn)" from Get A Life
Phosphorescent: "Pick Up The Tempo" from To Willie

Asmus Tietchens: "Den Stiftsherren" from Aus Freude Am Elend
Joseph Arthur & The Lonely Astronauts: "Say Goodbye" from Temporary People
13th Floor Elevators: "We Sell Soul (The Spades)" from The Psychedelic Sounds Of The 13th Floor Elevators
Patricia Barber: "C'est Magnifique" from The Cole Porter Mix
Sarah Webster: "Fabio" from Soul Through A Lickin' Stick

The Krayolas: "Yakety Song" from La Conquistadora
Ewan MacColl: "Dirty Old Town" from Black & White: The Definitive Ewan MacColl Collection
English Beat: "Sole Salvation" from Special Beat Service
Chris Kenner: "Packin' Up" from Land Of 1000 Dances
Kenny Clarke: "The Squirrel" from Jazz In Paris: Plays Andre Hodeir

Dick Dickenbock: "The Dick Dickenbock Report 012509" from The Dickenbock Report
Pnuma Trio: "Misery Loves Company" from Character
Ghettosocks: "Steal From Walmart (Instrumental Version)" from Get Some Friends
Squarepusher: "Potential Govaner" from Just A Souvenir
Thievery Corporation: "Mandala" from Radio Retaliation

Max Tundra: "Will Get Fooled Again" from Parallax Error Beheads You
Edip Akbayram: "Yakar Inceden Inceden" from Love, Peace & Poetry: Turkish Psychedelic Music
Femi Kuti: "Dem Funny" from Day By Day

Luxuriator: "Fins" from Luxuriator
Distant Seconds: "We're Unstoppable" from Spectral Evidence
Dezurik Sisters: "I Left Her Standing There" from Flowers In The Wildwood - Women In Early Country Music
Rev. H.R. Tomlin: "Lord I Just Can't Keep From Crying" from Complete Recorded Works 1926-1927
Hubert Laws: "In The Beginning" from In The Beginning

The War On Sailing: Sundays for a little while longer from 7 to 9am at 91.7 fm KVRX. Don't say you weren't told.

"War On Sailing" Playlist January 17, 2009

2009-03-10T13:54:00.003-06:00

The slow catch-up continues. This happened almost two months ago. I still wince when I hear these melodies.

"Get Yourself Together (French Version)" Velocette from Get Yourself Together
"When Will It Finally End" Cause Co-Motion from It's Time: Singles 2005-2008
"I Love Movies" Doug Benson from Professional Humoredian
"Headless Horseman" Mitch Hedburg from Do You Believe in Gosh?

"Baby Version" Dennis Alcapone from Forever Version
"Moses Dub" Mad Professor from The Dubs that Time Forgot
"Hot Dogs With Everything" Pogues from Haunted
"Reprise" The Steak House Mints from Out Of The Sky
"Evil Blues" Melvin Lil Son Jackson from Rockin' & Rollin', Vol. 1: 1948-1950
"She's Got Something On Me" Cedric Burnside & Lightnin' Malcolm from 2 Man Wrecking Crew
"Crawling & Creeping" Asa Martin & James Roberts from Oh My Little Darling

"On My Mind" Secret Agent 8 from Secret Agent 8
"In Control" B12 from Last Days Of Silence
"Fanfares" Philip Jeck from Sand
"Make It Funky (12" Mix)" Ice T from Rhyme Pays
"E.S.T. (Trip To The Moon)" Alien Sex Fiend from The First Alien Sex Fiend Compact Disc
"Senses On Fire" Mercury Rev from Snowflake Midnight

"Butterfingers" Bernard Purdie from Legends Of Acid Jazz
"Happy" Mufuti Twins from Crooning Over Sperrmull Tapes
"Waters Rise & Lower" Allisons from The Allisons
"Note Crisis" Laika & The Cosmonauts from Cosmopolis 1988-2008
"The F.B.I." Lily Tomlin from This Is A Recording
"Narcisse" Martin Rev from Les Nymphes

"Tapha Niang" Toumani Diabaté's Symmetric Orchestra from Boulevard De l'Indépendance
"Monkey Bee" Monkey from Journey To The West
"The Vice & Virtue Ministry" Happy Bullets from The Vice & Virtue Ministry
"The Hold Up" Andre Williams & The Diplomats Of Solid Sound from Aphrodisiac
"Ol' Corn Likker" Carolina Chocolate Drops from Dona Got A Ramblin' Mind
"Cathedral Tunes" State Bird from Mostly Ghostly

"Splitting In Two" Alternative TV from The Image Has Cracked
"I Wanna Be Young" Ariel Pink's Haunted Graffiti from Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1
"My Girl's A Barrier Machine" Blitter from American Breakbeat
"Sing, You Sinners" Pivot from O Soundtrack My Heart

"The Living Piano" Nick Hennies from Habitat
"Waterbrush" Robin Rimbaud from The Garden Is Full Of Metl
"Someone To Watch Over Me" Blossom Dearie from My Gentleman Friend
"Teenage Kicks" Portatastic from Some Small History
"Anecdote" Ambulance LTD from Ambulance LTD

"On Signing Of The Civil Rights Bill" Lyndon B Johnson from The Greatest Speeches Of All Time
"Walk" Burning Spear from Putumayo World Party
"Hai Mohabbat" Lata Mangeshkar & Suresh Wadkar from CompilAsian NR1
"Nine Million Rainy Days" Postmarks from By the Numbers
"Like Dylan In The Movies" Belle & Sebastian from The BBC Sessions

"Corinne Corrina" Sleepy John Estes With Hammie Nixon from On 80 Highway
"Then My Gal's In Town" David Cross from Jazzin' The Blues Vol. 1 (1929-1937)
"Maggie's Farm" Boulder Acoustic Society from The Caged Bird
"Broke Down" Slaid Cleaves from Broke Down
"Summer's Not The Same Without You" James Yorkston from When the Haar Rolls In
"You'll Lose A Good Thing" Barbara Lynn from Birth Of Soul, Volume 1

"Saint Vitus' Dance" Xex from Group: Xex
"Everybody Monkey" Freddy Cannon from Freddy Cannon His Latest & Greatest
"Jesus Christ's Ring" Alexandria Hughes Little from Bizarro Compilation #1

Remember, The War On Sailing: The Radio Show happens Sunday mornings from 7 to 9am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin. It's worth skipping Saturday night for!

Remembering Dogface Clifton

2009-03-09T16:07:00.004-06:00

I was in the marketplace of ideas on the other side of Remington Avenue last Thursday next haggling over the price of strawberries & the Protestant concept of "free will" when word came down from unreliable sources that Homer Baraka "Dogface" Clifton has at last shuffled off his mortal coil. By all accounts, he was rather old, but he was also tenacious, & many folks expected him to outlive us all, usually to his face, if only to shut him up when he was complaining about the rheumatism. His death went unnoticed in the press because he was not in the least bit famous, but scholars of The War On Sailing knew him by sight, & unfortunately by smell.

Born somewhere on or near an apple cart just a few miles outside of Pennsylvania, Clifton was used as a glorified road sign & dinner bell for his hard-working parents, who sold cynicism door-to-door in the otherwise positive glow of post-war America. Accused often of heresy & redaction during his formative years, Clifton left formal schooling after accidentally making out with Neal Cassady, who had been introducing himself around town as Marie The Bellhop, & who was reportedly charmed by Clifton's inability to whisper. Clifton was to compulsively enroll in various schools, programs, seminaries, drug tests & surveys the entire rest of his life, but unsurprisingly never was able to attend or finish any of them. He was fond of saying, "I just like to sign on the dotted line."

Drafted to serve in Vietnam despite being unable to read an eye chart or even hear the instructions, Clifton hopped a boat & fled to Cambodia, incorrectly believing he was going to Cornwall. A lengthy imprisonment gave him a great deal of time to work on his hobby of inventing difficult Tom Swifties (one of his most famous was, "'They just took my left ventricle & right aorta,' he said, half-heartedly") & to examine the details of a government in decline. After he accidentally bested Saloth Sar (later known as "Pol Pot") in a game of Theravada Buddhism Horseshoes when the future dictator was touring rural prisons, he was expelled from the country. A chance encounter with a record by British mod/psychedelic band the Creation coincided with his first attempt at snorting crystallized cough syrup, & Clifton realized for the first time the central factors in what we now call "The War On Sailing."

It was at this time that he received his famous nickname, which people had called him since adolescence, actually, because he kind of looked like a dog. That condition got worse as he got older, much to the chagrin of dogs, all of whom were always more attractive than Clifton.

Hiding out for a long time (the entire 1970s) in a deaf couple's basement in Canberra, Australia, Clifton wrote several memorable observational treatises which have served as references for the entire Oceanic critique. In particular, it is widely thought that Clifton's polemics against SEATO, which he called "an anagram that smells like butt," brought the organization down despite its ineffectiveness in the United States' invasion of Vietnam. Clifton also privately published at this time angry letters he wrote to SEATO headquarters in Bangkok, although he did managed to ask for coupons at the end of every one.

"He was a showman," a colleague at the time wrote in personal correspondence upon hearing about Clifton's death. "Since nothing ever made any sense to him, he forewent the whole idea of reasoned argument. He was bellicose but conciliatory, blustery but demure, formal in manner but informal in personal hygiene. He was a little hard to be around, if you can believe that."

He accepted a seat in the California Underground Quilters Parliament at the beginning of the 1980s, but resigned once he explained that he had just stowed away on a liner for months just to get a new chair. Falling in love with the beach in Southern California, his affections were subsequently spurned. (Explained the beach, "I'm more attracted to surfers.") He moved, broken-hearted & drunken, to Utah, where he worked as a wife-tagger for a fanatical Mormon splinter group which claimed their holy writings demanded that all men have at least four hundred wives each. To help the husbands identify them, Dogface made attracted tee shirts for every wife, some with catchy sayings that later, in a manner that is still unclear, became popular slogans for fast food chains such as Wendy's & Taco Bell.

He wrote little (well, that wasn't on a tee shirt) in those days. His letters to the Christian Science Monitor, while generally on target about Broadway shows & the skin cancer chances of famous Republicans, were generally devoid of the insight which made his 1970s writing so powerful. In particular, Clifton refused to discuss populist movements, the decline of Disney animation, or anything having to do with the television show "Who's The Boss" - three of the great pillars of War On Sailing scholarship of the 1980s. His old compatriots, more or less disgusted by what they saw as his decline, but also probably too busy watching "Night Court," quickly abandoned him, & he seemed to be entering what many would consider obscurity.

But in the mid-90's, a traffic accident with a cast member of "Friends" propelled him back into the spotlight, & he became a staff writer for "E! News Daily," a "newscast" on a vapid pay cable channel which reported primarily on the cast of "Friends." Clifton inserted clues to those in the know about the actual state of the world, which he discovered to his delight was being re-written on the fly by powerful Hollywood moguls who actually did have four hundred wives each (& for whom he also made tee shirts which, as is now well-understood, became the names & plot-lines for every horror film released since 1997). It was heady stuff, & those of us who remember those days look back fondly on a brief moment when an actual "news" telecast contained real information.

Sleeping with the enemy took its toll, so Clifton began sleeping at ramshackle Hollywood parties, including a famous weekend at Tom Cruise's place, which he would never speak about, but which always produced one small tear at the corner of his left eye. He began writing pieces for the Internet, most of which he'd delete a few days later, so trying to catch a Clifton commentary became a frustrating game for his admirers. The fire had died a little during the Bush monarchy, but his continuing obsession with a group of far-right-wing Boy Scouts in Birmingham, Alabama, shed more light on Dick Cheney than the Vice President could tolerate, & a group of thugs armed only with Ralph Reed masks assaulted Clifton last year when he emerged from Nick Nolte's goldfish pond to steal some cheese crackers for breakfast.

Clifton made a slow but creaky recovery, & hopes were high that he'd be back sleeping on Bill Maher's lawn in no time. But it was not to be. An infection characterized by doctors as "reluctant" caused Clifton to return to the hospital, where he managed to infect not only his doctors, but also two nurses, a bedpan cleaner, the three other patients in his room, & former Laker Norm Nixon. He died not very peacefully, screaming at the top of his lungs, in his hospital bed, earlier this year.

Former friends are considering a collection of his many articles, letters, screeds & (in his later years) twitters.

"War On Sailing" Playlist January 10, 2009

2009-02-05T14:28:00.003-06:00

A four-hour War On Sailing? What're you, nuts?

"Parade" Blue Train from Land Of Gold
"Perfect Games" The Broken West from Now Or Heaven
"The Faucets Are Dripping" Broadside Singers from Broadside Ballads, Vol. 3
"Dark Autumn Hour" Frontier Ruckus from The Orion Songbook
"She's My Baby" Peppermint Harris from Best Of Harlem & Jax Records, Vol. 2
"Shake Your Boogie" Billy Boy Arnold from Broadcasting The Blues

"Bad Taste" Compulsive Gamblers from The History Of Memphis Garage Rock: The 90's
"To Fix The Gash In Your Head" A Place To Bury Strangers from Stuck On Amp - Live From Radio K6
"Afterglow" Momus from Voyager
"These Jeans! Why They're... They're Made Of Taffy" Rad Wolf from For Your Consideration
"Rose" Zeale 32 from Zeale 32

"I Live Alone" Cynics from Get Our Way
"Klezmer A La Bechet" David Krakauer from A New Hot One
"Boo-Bah-Bah" Bob Vido from One Man Band
"The World" Dalek I Love You from Compass Kumpas
"One With The Underdogs" Terror from Less Than Zero

"A Sudden Manhattan Of The Mind" Max Richter from 24 Postcards In Full Colour
"Kasbah Rockers (vocal mix)" Kasbah Rockers with Bill Laswell from Kasbah Rockers
"Natt" Ismael Lô from Natt
"Keep On Walking" Mad Juana from Bruja On The Corner

"Colonel Impossible" Furtips from When My Baby Smiles At Me I Go To Rio
"You Can Find Me" Black Fiction from Ghost Ride
"Trust To Lose" South San Gabriel from Dual Hawks
"How To Catch A Lizard" Larkin Grimm from Parplar
"Daddy Rhythm Guitar" Paul Burch from Bloodshoot Records Honky-Tonk Compilation
"Hole Of Doubt" The Accident That Led Me To The World from The Island Gospel
"Black Dog Blues" Bayless Rose from American Primitive Vol. 2

"Accept" Aardvark from Find The Cow
"Funky" DJ Shadow & Cut Chemist from Hard Sell (Encore)
"Mestizo Eyes" Bobbi Humphrey from Fancy Dancer
"Halyards" Forty Seven Times Its Own Weight from Cumulo Nimbus

"Stop It" Pylon from Hits
"Magic Moments" Table Table) from Messthetics #104 DIY '77-81 South Wales 1
"Blessed Be The Nation" Studs Turkel from Where Have All The Flowers Gone: The Songs Of Pete Seeger
"Raincoat Song" Decemberists from Always the Bridesmaid: A Singles Series
"Die Wikingjugend Hat Mein Madchen Entfuhrt" Die Arzte from Blitzkrieg Over You: A Tribute To The Ramones

"Butch's DreamP" ygmylush from Mount Hope
"Let Your Light Shine On Me" Mud Boy & The Neutrons from It Came From Memphis Volume 2
"Mumbling Yeah (Kabale Und Liebe & Daniel Sanchez)" Luciano from Fabric 41
"Giant Step Forward" Dalton Mullins from Kaleidoscope
"We Will Fall" Stooges from The Stooges

"Crosseyed Cat" Magic Slim & The Teardrops from Midnight Blues
"When I Been Drinking" Big Bill Broonzy from Complete Recorded Works Vol. 11 (1940-1942)
"Listen Close" MC Frontalot from Final Boss
"El-Oh-En (featuring Jehst)" Sir Smurf Lil from A New Bloodline

"Instincticide" Lines from Flood Bank
"Build Your Own Los Angeles" Distant Seconds from Spectral Evidence
"Paint You" Meneguar from Strangers in Our House
"Freddie & The Trojan Horse" Radio Dept from Freddie & The Trojan Horse
"The End Of The Asterisk" Los Campesinos! from We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

"Cry Me Not" Booker Ervin from The Freedom Book
"Introduction (Excerpt) (read by Nicholas Ball)" Christopher Hitchens from The Portable Atheist
"Sonata For Piano No. 2, Op. 64 'The Fire Sermon"': I. Molto Allegro" Izumi Tateno from Rautavaara
"The Weight" Staple Singers from Soul Folk In Action

Yes, yes, way behind. The show struggles forward, Sundays at 7am om 91.7 KVRX Austin.

Cogwell Machine: Birth, Uses, Stuff

2009-02-05T14:00:00.003-06:00

Enrest Lemmoin invented the Cogwell Machine in his second wife's sewing room on a cold January morning this very day, February 5, 2009, in 1859. While English by birth, he was British in temperament, & lived his entire life in the small village just outside the hamlet located due east of the growing suburb south of Baltimore, Maryland. Not far enough south, though, as his village was either in the United States or in the United States Virgin Islands. Not even a hastily modified land-bridge could help the hapless atlas markers.

Enrest showed a propensity for proposals are a pretentious age. Ever full of ideas, young Enrie (as he wasn't called by virtually everyone who knew him) stuck his button-up nose into imaginary arguments between peddler & pedant, cop & choreographer, shopkeep & shut-in, artist's model & model citizen. His "solutions" (as he called them, making the quotes with his fingers) were more often than not embraced by the disputers, if only to make Lemmoin go away. His self-esteem thus enhanced, Enrie lived to butt in another day. & another day. & another day.

Graduated from a tiny arts college located in the storeroom of West Point in 1844, Lemmoin immediately enlisted in the Peace Corps, one hundred & twenty years before its invention. Having no government sponsorship, his ill-conceived plan to work in a small village in central Africa turned disastrous, but since Lemmoin barely made it out alive & swore never to speak of it again, we shan't either, except to say that it was not there, as previously imagined, that Enrest acquired his taste for human flesh. That would happen when he became friends Stephen F. Douglas.

Still spry & nimble though possessed of a crushing ego, Lemmoin took to inventing in the inventive 1850s. That decade saw the invention of the baseball bracket, the curlicue curtain, the car stereo (though not just recognized as such), the Society For Creative Anachronism, grape jelly on a stick, malaria (not considered a great invention), dental dams, fast-acting baby oil, & that picture of a heart with an arrow through it, among others. Lemmoin jumped into the market with both pants down, & found employment at Hooper's Inventions, Unlimited.

Old Man Hooper (whose really name was Young Man Hooper) ran a tight ship, although he allowed the famously seasick Lemmoin to work in his Manhattan office. Lemmoin was essential in the invention of such common household items as the stapler, the common house string roll, & refrigerator magnets, but he dreamt bigger, his dreams aided by the enormous amount of opium he smoked, & the enormous amount of gin given to all the employees of Hooper's Inventions, Unlimited. He'd return home every night with ideas cracking through the back of his head - although later, he'd admit it might just be blood.

The Cogwell Machine was patented just before the Civil War got all whiny. Demand at first was scarce, but as Americans (in rebellion & not) learned about the wonders of this modern labor-saving device, it was reduced to nothing. Even Abraham Lincoln mentioning that he had one in White House during his annual weekly radio address failed to help the product, mainly because he was out of town that week, so David Brenner did the address. The failure of the Cogwell Machine drove Enrest Lemmoin to the brink of despair, & then over that brink, into the sad pool of blood & bones called suicide.

Lemmoin died unhappy, leaving behind his three wives, nineteen children, kin in central Africa, & the fortune he made inventing refrigerator magnets. All three wives remarried the same person, & that person's grandson discovered the Cogwell Machine in one of his funny-looking relative's attics one day. Amazed that somone in his family, at that point the scions of New England aristocracy & three-time winner of Lifetime Achievement Awards from Inbreeding Today, could have invented something so practical terrified him, so he burned down the house. Ironically, though he lost an uncle, an aunt, two cousins, two wives, his left arm, part of his face, & a pet goldfish named spot, the fire fighters were able to save the prototype of the Cogwell Machine, which was quickly secured by the Department of the Secret Stuff & flown by unhappy butterflies to Washington.

Where it languishes to this day. Yes, the rumors are true! The Cogwell Machine not only exists, but it works! Rumor has it former Vice President Cheney spent more time with it than with his terrorist torture subjects. What does it do? Oh, you know what it does. When can we see? Oh, I believe we'll see - soon. Soon.

"War On Sailing" Playlist January 1, 2009

2009-02-02T16:51:00.002-06:00

A new year, the same old thing.

"This Gift" Sons & Daughters from This Gift
"On A Saturday" Herman Dune from Next Year In Zion
"Autoharp Concerto" Grandpa Jones from Family Album
"Valse Des Reeds" The Savoy Family Band from Turn Loose But Don't Let Go
"S Y S L J F M (The Letter Song)" Joe Tex from I Believe I'm Gonna Make It: The Best Of Joe Tex
"Bizarre Triangle" Hanway Troof from Islands Of Ayle

"S.O.C.A." Asian Dub Foundation from Punkara
"Making A Case For Magic" I Am Robot & Proud from Uphill City
"Strychnine, Breathless Ways" Centro-Matic from Dual Hawks
"You Stood Me Up" Benji Hughes from A Little Extreme EP
"Help Wanted" Company Flow from Funcrusher Plus

"Mama Don't Want No Peas An' Rice An' Coconut Oil" Cleo Brown from Complete Recorded Works March 1935 To June 1935
"Transcription Of Organ Music" Allen Ginsberg from Howls, Raps & Roars
"Uncle Joe" Buffy Sainte-Marie from I'm Gonna Be A Country Girl Again
"Schönes Mädchen" Hauschka from Ferndorf
"Ce N'est Pas Bon" Amadou & Mariam from Welcome To Mali
"4-4-44" Youssou N'Dour from Rokku Mi Rokka

"The Eyes Of Texas" Milton Brown & His Brownies from From the Vaults: Decca Country Classics 1934-1973
"Hello Sunshine" Langhorne Slim & The War Eagles from Langhorne Slim & The War Eagles
"Hey Bartender, There's A Bug In My Beer" Warner Williams & Eddie Pennington from Down Home Saturday Night
"You Only Live Twice" Postmarks from By The Numbers

"Non-Stop Beatles Disco" Cafe Creme from Non-Stop Beatles Disco
"Baby Please" Walter Meego from Voyager
"Null" Midori Hirano from Klo Yuri
"Beatitudes" Cars & Trains from Rusty String
"Play The Role (Liquid Soul Remix)" Bavu Blakes from Nobody Leavin

"Singing Lesson 1 Pt 2 - How The Voice Works" Explore Your Voice from The Confidence To Sing
"Anua" Eddie Henderson from Realization

The War On Sailing. Sundays, 7 to 9am. 91.7 fm KVRX Austin. Like you didn't know.

Arts &/Or Crafts

2009-01-27T14:25:00.002-06:00

The Never Clean live in the Untidy Areas where Nothing happens. Leaving aside their allegiance to the Filth & to Disaster, it's fully possible to imagine a political or cultural scenario where the Never Clean serve a purpose, never useful, always Insidious, for the Powers-That-Are. & my friends, not only has this happened repeatedly in the past few Whens, it may yet be happening Now.

It is a strange fact of sociology that, although there are the Never Clean, there are not the Always Clean. For although most people will tell you they live somewhere in the discomfort between Normality & Hyperbole, they can never quite achieve the latter. Don't get me wrong - it is inherently human that we strive toward the Hyperbole - & fall toward it, too, on its other end. Or else there would be the need for Cure songs. But that we can never reach the more happy Hyperbole (the unhappy Hyperbole would probably be eternal damnation, so perhaps we never reach that, either) is an essential part of our natures.

Perhaps, then, the Never Clean are also mythological, & this essay spoke out of turn. Frankly, the author of this essay had not expected to be blind-sided by a kind of inner dialogue more often reserved for the dog-end of a long night of drinking. There were many other insights that this essay was prepared to share, but, as it stands, they are rendered suspect by the admission that the Hyperbole can never be reached, whether the reach be grasping high or digging low. Therefore, the tag "Never Clean," containing, as it does, the Hyperbole in its own title, becomes a useless description of a class of humanity which this essay endeavored to show as willing tools to the Powers-That-Are.

Damn it! This always happens. Weeks of gathering data for examples & extrapolation are completely ruined by attempts at poetic turns of phrase. Oh well. Never mind, then.

"War On Sailing" Playlist December 27, 2008

2009-01-26T17:30:00.003-06:00

A four-hour extravaganza played at year's end.

"Happy & Safe" Airfields from Up All Night
"Freedom Highway" Mavis Staples from Live: Hope At The Hideout
"Ooh Wee Baby" Carl Campbell from Shout Baby, Shout Roots Of Rock In Texas Boogie 1948-1950
"The Walk" Indian Jewelry from Perfect As Cats: A Tribute To The Cure

"Wait A Minute" Osbourne from Ghostly Swim
"Warm Architecture" Lorna from Writing Down Things To Say
"Speed Boat To Heaven" Alaska In Winter from Holiday
"Blow A Kiss" Lines from Flood Bank
"Bèlaya Bèlaya" Mahmoud Ahmed from Ethiopiques, Vol. 19: Alemye Mahmoud Ahmed

"Diseases Of Yore" MC Frontalot from Final Boss
"Feel It" Afros from Kickin' Afrolistics
"Dallas After Midnight" Brian Burns from Highways, Heartaches & Honky-Tonks
"Why Sting Is Such An Idiot" Allen Clapp & His Orchestra from One Hundred Percent Chance Of Rain
"Sea Sick" Love Is All from A Hundred Things Keep Me Up At Night

"Fresh Egg Boxes" Jazz Symphonics from The Beginning
"Don't Try" Meridene from You're Not Pretty, You're Worse
"Catfight" The Diving Captain from Catfight
"Ate It Twice" Boston Spaceships from Brown Submarine
"Open The Door" British Sea Power from Do You Like Rock Music?
"You Really Wake Up The Love In Me" The Duke Spirit from Neptune

"Shango" Michael Pugliese from Wendy Mae Chambers: 12 Squared
"Aslan Makes A Door In The Air" Rad Wolf from For Your Consideration
"Mr Roberts # 1" National Lampoon from That's Not Funny, That's Sick
"Abandon Ship" April Showers from Abandon Ship
"The Love Theme" Microfilm from The Slingshot Orchestra

"Mandinga" Novalima from Afro
"Cuando Maravilla Fui" El Guincho from Alegranza
"Painting" Atmosphere from When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold
"Wash Out" The Arch Cupcake from Wash Out EP

"Macho Beagl" eBunnygrunt from Standing Hampton 7"
"Say What You Feel" Cause Co-Motion from It's Time: Singles 2005-2008
"Pan Handle Rag" Buddy Charlton from Ernest Tubb Presents The Texas Troubadours
"The Hollerin' Mountains" State Bird from Mostly Ghostly
"How To Play The Bongos" Jack Costanzo from Ultra Lounge Vol. 15: Wild, Cool. & Swingin' Too

"It's Never That Easy Though, Is It?" Los Campesinos! from We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed
"C'est La Vie (Disco Mix)" Caramel from Punkpopgaragemods
"Suite Bergamasque - III. Clair De Lune" Peter Frankl from Debussy: Piano Works, Vol. 1
"Words Of Advice" William S Burroughs from Spare Ass Annie & Other Tales
"The Place You Love Is Gone (Indian Giver)" Finally Punk from Hypertension 7"

"They Blow My Mind" Blair from Night Life
"Letter Codes" Build Buildings from Ceiling Lights From Street
"Taken To Antrim" Arliss Parker from Handsome Like A Lion
"Video Boys" Circuit 7 from Video Boys
"Robot Ponies" Laura Barrett from Nothing On But Your Radio: Live Sessions From CJSW 90.9

"Grooveyard" Harold Land from Harold In The Land Of Jazz
"You've Got Some Neck" Giraffe Running from Giraffe Running
"I Touch Myself" Genitorturers from Covered In Goth
"Bledstyle" Kasbah Rockers with Bill Laswell from Kasbah Rockers
"Topkapi" Transglobal Underground from International Times

"IGA" Sleepy John Estes With Hammie Nixon from On 80 Highway
"She Stays Drunk All The Time" Billy Bizor from Blues Masters
"Swing Swing Swing" David Soldier & Richard Lair from Thai Elephant Orchestra
"Sewn Two" Mountains from Sewn

Please note the new day & time for The War On Sailing: Sundays from 7 to 9am. On 91.7 KVRX Austin. I won't tell you again.

Yeah, yeah I will.

Who's Who In The Minneapolis Zoo

2009-01-26T16:46:00.002-06:00

One might be forgiven for reading the above subject line & say to oneself or perhaps to another, sitting nearby, whom one has singled out as a person who might enjoy the gainsaying of a blog page, "There's no Minneapolis Zoo! There's the Minnesota Zoo, which is about twenty miles south of the Twin Cities, but there's no Minneapolis Zoo itself! What a mistake!"

I honestly worry about the sort of people who feel the need to quibble & nitpick in such a manner, not the least reason of which is the simple courtesy of questioning the assertion of the blog title. For example, this author might well be engaging in a "puff-piece" about the Minnesota Zoo, which is close enough to Minneapolis to engage in a "nickname" of sorts. As well, the author may well have been taking too many over-the-counter pain medications & may have simply "mis-print" the word, as he may have simply meant "Minnesota" but wrote "Minneapolis" because the words are so closely related. Or there may well be a Minneapolis Zoo that the person simply does not know about - which is entirely the case.

Because at the Minneapolis Zoo, the charges are not nature's creatures, caged for the perverse delight of so-called "free" people to view them as they live in mockeries of their natural habitats. No, the charges at the Minneapolis Zoo are none other than human beings themselves!

Scandal! Triptych! Diorama! It's more true than one might dare fear. & before there are other assumptions hurled at this writer, specifically ones about the underground human slave trade, I wish also to simply ask that the reader bear with me. True, the human slave trade has a very profitable hub in Minnesota, primarily because of all the lakes, but the Minneapolis Zoo has a different sinister scheme, one being replicated in many dying industrial cities across the United States & Europe, which is this: the displaying of human beings in mockeries of their natural habitats.

Imagine, if you will, a housewife abducted from her Tupperware bacchanalia in Rochester & put on display in a glass-case as a representative of the "Now Generation." Or an aging golfer on the fourteenth hole in the Boca Raton Community Gardens snatched away & placed at a kitchen table as an example of a grandparent with Alzheimer's. Or three children from a reform school in John McCain, Arizona, dressed as hip-hop artists & forced to reenact historically inaccurate gang violence for a wide-eyed, affluent audience. This is the Minneapolis Zoo. This is what the powers-that-be are doing in our crumbling economy.

Outraged? You ought to be. Instead, you're given an invitation, & though you imagine leopards with cancerous scrotal tumors belching at you behind plexiglass, what you get is far more intriguing: a bevy of unhappy southern women beating up black men as a demonstration of the "PUMA" of the last election cycle. Or a Chicano worker dressed as Santa Claus being forced to sleep cold nights in the Wal-Mart power-tool department. Or an overgrown lawn to which a sorority girl & a member of the cast of one of the cancelled "Law & Order" shows have been inexplicably tied, to represent god-knows-what.

These are the things the rich, famous, lucky, disturbed, politically well-connected, & media-employed are not only watching but fostering. This author received an invitation accidentally; it was meant for my nearest neighbor, a giant corporation dedicated to polluting America's lakes & rivers. I went, & discovered something so awful it makes Cirque Du Soleil seem as innocuous as Ban De Soleil.

Skeptics are invited to seek their own "New City Zoos." There are reported ones in Dallas, Vancouver, Los Angeles (not hard to find), Denver, Pittsburgh, Portland, Des Moines, & Lexington. They are expanding - & more & more innocent people may be involved. A crisis is brewing of national import - please learn more before you too become just another exhibit!

As a postscript: Xhibit the rapper is not currently an exhibit.

"War On Sailing" Playlist December 11, 2008

2009-01-20T12:46:00.002-06:00

"Pukarta Chala Hoon Main" Mohammad Rafi from The Ultimate Sixties Collection
"Dark Autumn Hour" Frontier Ruckus from The Orion Songbook
"Austin-Tatious" Dave Biller & Travis County Pickin' from Texas Boogie: A Collection Of Texas Songs
"You're The Top" Patricia Barber from The Cole Porter Mix
"Papa's Gone" Fred Gardner's Texas University Troubadours from Jazz In Texas 1924-1930

"Mingus" I'm From Barcelona from Who Killed Harry Houdini
"The Impossible Years" Graham Gouldman from The Graham Gouldman Thing
"Play" Chop Chop from Screens
"Still Island (Still'n'Slow Mix)" DJ Krush from Steppin' Stones: The Self-Remixed Best Soundscapes
"Oh My" Arliss Parker from Handsome Like A Lion
"I'm Back" Lowkey from Dear Listener

"Mambo No. 8" Perez Prado from The Best Of Perez Prado
"Hound Dog" Big Mama Thornton from Big Mama Thornton: The Complete Vanguard Recordings
"Bring It On Home" Sam Cooke from The Man & His Music
"Crayon Box" Gerbils from Are You Sleepy?
"American Pep" Imperial Marimba Band from American Pep
"Psyko" Laika & The Cosmonauts from Cosmopolis 1988-2008
"Hips & Abdomen" Cathi Stout from Believercise

"Lo Mismo" Ana D Que Tú from Satelite 99
"O Casamento Da Raposa" Nicolas Krassik from Caçuá
"Salvation" Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan from Sunday At Devil Dirt
"Ballad Of Charles Whitman" Kinky Friedman from New Testaments & Old Revelations
"Sinner's Prayer" Lowell Fulson from Broadcasting The Blues
"Can't Explain How It Happened" Ivory Joe Hunter from Complete Stax-Volt Singles 1959-1968

"Nova" Nomo from Ghost Rock
"Be Still My Soul" Kosuke Mine Quartet from Yellow Coccus In The Blue Sky
"Guy In Traffic" Louis CK from Live In Houston
"Alfred Hitchcock" Mockingbirds from Mockingbirds
"Still Frame (Lusine Remix)" Lusine from Podgelism
"Image-Autumn-Womb" Goldmund from The Malady Of Elegance

It may have happened over a month ago - in a different year, even - but this playlist has exactly the same relevance it had when first it was played. & then, not so much. Please listen to the new season of "The War On Sailing" starting Sunday the 26th only on KVRX. At 7am. Yeah, sorry about that.

Stayed Of Execution

2009-01-20T12:29:00.002-06:00

Good news! Bad news! Someone put cheese on my sandwich news!

Yes, kind floorboards, "The War On Sailing" radio show has been renewed on KVRX 91.7 fm Austin for another few months. We campaigned against it. We made a viral video with a virus in a music video, but to no avail. It seems too much of a good thing is not important in this grey area we are starting to call "Obama's America." I don't want to have to keep up, but I suppose I shall.

This time around we'll be "pulling out all the stops." By which I mean, the buses will not stop in the regular places. Why? All the bus stops have been pulled out. It'll be smooth sailing for the bus, from the garage & back. It no longer even needs to stop at red lights. It's a worry-free bus. Like the bus in "Speed." Without the bomb or Keanu Reeves.

Which is my way of saying that "The War On Sailing," once very nearly listenable, may yet be. & we have something of a chore ahead of us, as the show will air on Sunday mornings from 7 to 9am Central Standard Time, when the only people awake are in the drunk tank from the night before (or in church - same difference). It shall be a long road & we shall limp feebly down it, only to wake up somewhere someday thinking, "Did I really just kill a hobo?"

Please listen. The rest is yet to come.

"War On Sailing" Playlist December 4, 2008

2008-12-17T13:16:00.001-06:00

The penultimate regularly scheduled War On Sailing radio program went something like this:

"These Things Take Time" Brunettes from Mars Loves Venus
"Sugar Glass" Soft Targets from Heavy Rainbow
"Superman" Clique from The Clique
"Would You Have Me Born With Wooden Eyes" James Yorkston from When the Haar Rolls In
"You Can't Buy Love In A Bottle" Floyd Tillman from Floyd Tillman's Country

"You Are The Best Thing" Ray La Montagne from Gossip In The Grain
"Wild Mab Of The Fish Pond" Charlie Barnet from 1940 Vol. 2
"Intention" Josh Gabriel from Eight
"You Are A Commodity" Landau from Thepicompromise
"Something To Write Home About" I Am Robot & Proud from Uphill City

"All Love Broke Loose" Wink Martindale from Hey! Look What I Found! Vol. 7
"Letter To The Better (Remix)" Masta Ace from Take A Look Around
"We're Turning Again" Frank Zappa from Have I Offended Someone?
"Op. 34: XV Fugue" London Symphony Orchestra from Benjamin Britten: Young Person's Guide To The Orchestra

"FCC Station Identification Regulations" Cary Grant from The Circle 1939
"Give It Up Or Turn It Loose" DJ Ayres from G.A.M.M Allstars Doin James
"Tonk-A-Lonk" Cal Green from Wild & Funky Sax & Guitar
"Sportif (Sportsman)" Youssou N'Dour from Rokku Mi Rokka
"Omuti Tide" Fela Kuti from Koola Lobitos 1964-1968 - The '69 Los Angeles Sessions

"Make You See" A Block Of Yellow from Do I Do
"Nobody Noticed" Prats from Now That's What I Call Prats Music
"I Remember" Whitley from The Submarine
"Coffee's Cold" Abigail Washburn from Song Of The Traveling Daughter
"We Are But Rats Onto Its Bone" Aidan Coughlan from Mystery's Mist

"Sing Sing Sing" Randy Van Horn Singers from Sing A Song Of Benny Goodman
"Hooray For Hollywood/Spanish Flea" The George Garabedian Players & The Awful Trumpet Of Harry Arms from Hooray For Hollywood
"Another Girl, Another Planet" London Punkharmonic Orchestra from Symphony Of Destruction (Punk Goes Classical)

"Hoot Your Belly" Jimmy Williams from Not The Same Old Blues Crap 3
"Morning Breaks The Sleep Record" Halves from Haunt Me When I'm Drowsy
"Poor Ellen Smith" Ted Lundy & The Southern Mountain Boys from Best Loved Bluegrass: 20 All-Time Favorites

Actually, it went exactly like that. Minus a few quibbles. Not to worry.

For Close Comfort, Too

2008-12-17T12:52:00.004-06:00

Reasonably priced, exceptionally well-worn. All-weather, seasonally sound. Vetted by over twelve product-liability organizations including but not limited to Damaged Newborn Incorporated, Smashy The Car, Elevensies, Head Neck & Shoulder Trauma 'R' Us, Weather Prophecy UK, Sempleton Smear, & Dolores Rainier, PhD. Focus-group tested in all Western & most Eastern European countries as well as most of the "red" states of these United States except Louisiana & Alberta. Subject to rigorous hypotheticals at food fairs & fun runs during the hot summer of 2007 & part of the warm autumn of 2006. Trendy but singular. Dependable, reliable, controversial, standard. Kid-safe, animal-friendly, for use in virtually every home, rented or foreclosed-upon. Solar powered (no batteries required) or operational with old-fashioned alternating current. For use with ages six months & up although you must be at least one meter tall to ride the ride. Not available for sale in "dry" counties or the Low Countries. Limited amounts so stock up today. Patents pending, patents impending, registered trademark, no contract, limited license. No signature or blood work required; acceptable use of the product implies understanding of property rights. Unacceptable use of the product is not recommended. Salt-free, fat-free, lactose-intolerant, manufactured on machines that may or may not have processed peanuts, coca leaves, or low-income families. Chemically neutral unless operated with alcoholic machinery. Happily the product is refunded if not entirely satisfied. Today's solution for tomorrow's youthful indiscretions. Kosher, no animal products intended, safe for diabetics & megalomaniacs. The taste grows on you. The growth tastes like you. A transformation of sensation for the "do it" generation. Ask for it by name! Tell your friends about it by name! Enjoy it by name!

"War On Sailing" Playlist November 27, 2008

2008-12-15T16:42:00.003-06:00

Two shows aired on November 27. Both are explicated below.

Morning:
"Satan's Doll" Art Van Damme from Accordion A La Mode/A Perfect Match
"The Millions Too Many" A Northern Chorus from Nothing On But Your Radio: Live Sessions From CJSW 90.9
"Like A Tiger" Fourth Of July from Fourth Of July On The Plains
"Letter From God To Man" Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip from Angles
"Armed & Dangerous" P.K.O. from Radio Rhythm

"Fool In Rain" Pivot from O Soundtrack My heart
"4 Dead Monks" Red Snapper from Making Bones
"How To Catch A Lizard" Larkin Grimm from Parplar
"Austin City Girls" Mark Zeus from Thunderboltz
"Futuro Futuro" Whales & Cops from Great Bouncing Icebergs

"Les Confidences D'Un Joueur De Clarinette Op. 141 (1934) (Dirk Altman, Clarinet)" Charles Koechlin from Music For Clarinet
"Ton Up Boy" Morecambe & Wise from Classic British Comedy
"Love Makes A Woman" Barbara Acklin from Beg, Scream, Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of 60's Soul
"Black Man Time" I Roy from Arise Rootsman: Trojan Roots 1965 - 1983
"Siwula & Carsten Radtke" Blaise from Was It The Eastside

"Crazy Crazy" Chris from Chris!
"Tora Tora Tora" Pretty & Nice from Get Young
"Jesus Grow A Handlebar Moustache For Me" Pataphysics from Take A Look Out Your Window
"Water" Hanway Troof from Islands Of Ayle
"Riptides" Dub Pistols from Six Million Ways To Live
"Hashouma" Kasbah Rockers with Bill Laswell from Kasbah Rockers

"My Woman Has A Black Cat Bone" Hop Wilson from Houston Ghetto Blues
"Taildragger" Gravelroad from Shot The Devil
"I've Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman" Bobby Bare from Drunk & Crazy
"The Blue Danube" Music Box from Music Box Dances Played On Victorian Musical Boxes

"Tribute To Beethoven" Mart-ie from Avant-Garde Grandpa
"Inky-Dinky Spider" Kids Next Door from Hey! Look What I Found Vol. 7

Night:
"Eat Y'Self Fitter" The Fall from Perverted By Language
"Last Choice" Love Is All from A Hundred Things Keep Me Up At Night
"Pushover" Bearsuit from Pushover
"In A Different Light" Discount Chiefs from Messthetics #104 DIY '77-81 South Wales 1
"She's The One" Wry Catchers from History Of Texas Garage Bands In The 60's Vol. 4: West Texas

"One Note Samba" Postmarks from By The Numbers
"Ballad Of John & Yoko" Los Nortes Americanos from Tijuana Beatles
"Unripened Fruit" Quitzow from Art College
"Culture Is Not Your Friend" Abakus from We Share The Same Dreams
"Girls" Walter Meego from Voyager

"The Little Red Caboose" Henry Thomas from Texas Blues: Early Blues Masters From The Lone Star State
"Let Us Make A Record" Sister Gertrude Morgan from Let Us Make A Record
"Zen Gospel Singing" Limeliters from Until We Get It Right!
"Let's Eat" Firesign Theatre from Forward Into The Past
"Martian Theme Song" Satellite Singers from My Favorite Martian

"The King James Version Pt. 2" D-Frost Beats from G.A.M.M Allstars Doin James
"Slow Motion" Afrique from Soul Makossa
"Blue Boy" Orange Juice from Hallam Foe OST
"Going To Heaven To See If It Rains" Close Lobsters from Going To Heaven To See If It Rains
"Transformer" Marnie Stern from This Is it...

"Theme From Star Trek" Maynard Ferguson from Hot
"Hungry Fraser Dub" Mad Professor from The Dubs That Time Forgot
"Early Warning" Standing Waves from Early Warning 7"
"One Hundred Hundred" Low Red Center from Low Red Center
"You Better You Bet" Binghampton Crosbys from Roadtrip To Munzville

"The Eight Seasons Of Chromalox" Chromalox from The Eight Seasons Of Chromalox
"Ich Bin Blau" Torfrock from Volle Pulle!
"Grebo Guru" Pop Will Eat Itself from Box Frenzy
"My Guru" Dan The Automator from Bombay The Hard Way

Look for the War On Sailing radio show during the end of this year & the beginning of the next... It could be anywhere!

The War On Sailing Radio Show: Interruption In Proceedings

2008-12-15T16:38:00.003-06:00

Alas, the War On Sailing radio show known as "The War On Sailing," which has tarnished the airwaves for months now Thursday mornings on KVRX 91.7 fm will be on hiatus for a short time while the checks clear. Host Vance Chamberlain & associates will occasionally pop up on the frequency as events conspire, but please watch this space for developments. Thanks to all the kind listeners as well as the unkind non-listeners. You make the War On Sailing the single most important event in the history of the universe (Earth division).

Playlists will be updated slowly. Be patient with the mentally challenged robot in charge.

"War On Sailing" Playlist November 20, 2008

2008-12-02T13:05:00.002-06:00

Look! Another playlist! Inconveniently posted nearly two weeks after the show! Can we help you more?

"Rusalka's Song To The Moon" Stan Lippeatt & Thoresby Colliery (Joy Mining) Band from Friends
"Silimu Yaheeza Abantu (AIDS Has Finished Our People)" Kanihiro Group from Singing For Life
"Atide" Kotoja from Essential Afrobeat
"Snoopy Waves" Deerhoof from Offend Maggie
"Static" Zom Zoms from Business Deal Top 40 Of 2005

"Too Thirsty 4 Love" Quintron from Too Thirsty For Love
"Let's Break Into The 80's" Master Genius from Let's Break Into The 80's
"Hammerwerk" Der Hässliche D from Ganz Einfach
"Existence" Bugge Wesseltoft from Sharing Sonet
"Bright & Shining" Koushik from Out My Window

"A Sleepin' Bee" June Christy from Off Beat
"My Old Man" Smothers Brothers from Think Ethnic
"Pills" Allan Sherman from My Son The Box
"Accordingly" Chris Whitley from Dirt Floor
"Money Talk" Willie Big Eyes Smith from Born In Arkansas
"Oh John" Jimmy Reed from Just Jimmy Reed

"White Elephants" Panda Riot from She Dares All Things
"Blue Nile" Gang Gang Dance from Saint Dymphna
"Cab Riding Hobbyists" Eight Frozen Modules from Random Activities & Broken Sunsets
"Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" Klaus Nomi from Simple Man
"Beatitudes" Cars & Trains from Rusty String

"Villduprovaden" Ehlmsie Rocon from Alba Absurdia
"Get Up Edina" Desmond Dekker from Original Rude Boy
"Funny Man" King Reggie from Best Of Sioux Label: Heavy Reggae From 1971-1972
"Under Pressure" Xiu Xiu from Women As Lovers

"Texas Tea" Jack Teagarden from Introduction To Jack Teagarden: His Best Recordings Best Of Jazz
"Time Nor Tide" Hank Locklin from Please Help Me I'm Falling
"Jesus Is My Air-O-Plane" Mother McCollum from Guitar Evangelists (1928-1951)
"Sweet Sunny South" Tommy Jarrell from The Legacy Of Tommy Jarrell, Vol. 3: Come & Go With Me

The War On Sailing airs Thursday mornings from 5 to 7am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin, & you can listen live at kvrx.org. If you are so inclined. Be so inclined.

Panda Crisis Escalated!

2008-12-02T12:42:00.002-06:00

From the newswire:

"Continuing Panda Crisis worsening Hollywood Hills! Moreover standard Edward Asner Emmy-Nominated Takeover! Cast-iron Container unusable in Current Predicament! Let's Sandpaper Mutual Protection Team Temporary scanning Opportunity!"

From the editorial pages:

"Never before in the vertiginous heights of alacrity has headline fervor so infected and delighted an impassive populace as the indefatigable pronouncements of the risible news media."

From the on-the-spot commentary:

"Panda pretty! Pretty panda! Panda wanna eucalyptus leaf? Panda wanna? Panda? Wanna? Uh? Uh! My hand! My hand!"

From the bloggers (present company excluded):

"The MSM is AWOL on WTF is happening in CPC. If the PTB haven't LTM, we're still looking at SOL PDQ SVP."

From the man on the woman on the street:

"Panda Crisis? I'm more worried about my wife. I've been standing on her for days & she looks unfazed!"

From the Panda King:

"There will be yet time for bells & whistles. Today, though, more treasure & blood. More treasure & blood my lovelies! More treasure! More blood!"

To be continual!

"War On Sailing" Playlist November 13, 2008

2008-11-26T10:31:00.001-06:00

The State Of Emergency was declared too late! The show must go on!

"Suite No. 3 For Cello: Bourree" Pablo Casals from My First Record
"Hejran" Niyaz Nine Heavens from Six Degrees
"Map Of Dusk" Bombay Dub Orchestra from 3 Cities
"When My Dream" Bart Davenport from Palaces

"Walking The Dog" Eric Weber from Picking Up Girls Made Easy
"Face First" Impossibles from Ska Sucks
"Hands In The Air" Mighty Underdogs from Droppin' Science Fiction
"Nie Nett (Sleepwalker Remix) (feat Das Bo & Ferris MC)" Absolute Beginner from Boombule: The Remixed Album
"103" Whispertown 2000 from Swim
"Don't Go To Heaven Alone" Believers from Hallelujah Hoedown
"Sing It Sweet" Boulder Acoustic Society from The Caged Bird

"Don't You Feel My Leg" Blue Lu Barker from 1946-1949
"Pink & Black" Sonny Fisher from Rockin' Bones: 1950's Punk & Rockabilly
"Flat Foot Floogie" Mills Brothers & Louis Armstrong from The 1930's Recordings - Chronological Volume 5
"Window Pane" Coil from Love's Secret Domain
"Delta Bay" Empire Of The Sun from Walking On A Dream
"Lux Lisbon Is A Stone Fox" Rad Wolf from For Your Consideration!

"My Sweetheart" Cedric Burnside & Lightnin' Malcolm from 2 Man Wrecking Crew
"You Better Hold Me" James Reed from Bay Area Blues Blasters
"Ghostly Appearance" Karl Blau from Nature's Got Away
"Fox On The Run" Dondero High School A Capella Choir from Pop Concert 1996
"Down The Mountain" Annuals from Such Fun

"Dutch Kitchen Bounce" Arnett Cobb from The Wild Man From Texas
"Easy Going Freak" Fred Anderson/Hamid Drake from From The Ocean To The River
"Le Diable" Jacques Brel from Jacques Brel - Grand Jacques
"Led Zeppelin" Michael Mills from Hidden & Satanic Messages In Rock Music

"She's Crazy About Her Lovin'" Mississippi Sheiks from Stop & Listen
"Singing In The Bathtub" R Crumb & His Cheap Suit Serenaders from Singing In The Bathtub
"Cigarettes & Whiskey" Ramblin' Jack Elliott from Thank You For Smoking OST

Don't let curfew keep you from listening! Wake up at 5am & listen till 7am every Thursday on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin, & online at kvrx.org! Stay away fascist! You're not welcome here!

Genuflection For Our Time

2008-11-26T10:00:00.002-06:00

As we approach (with approbation) another holiday season, emphasis ought to be given, we feel, to imaginary traditions, never practiced or followed, before we kowtow to the (frankly) blatantly Iron Age rituals we use our platinum credit cards to observe.

The War On Sailing would like everyone to begin the holiday season by handing out maps to different cities or countries (you can buy them in used bookstores or steal them from used gas stations) to strangers you happen to meet while out & about. The National Geographic maps from different periods of time are especially fun. Offer no explanation, simply say, "Have a map!" If pressed, perhaps you can tell everyone you're an out-of-work cartographer.

The War On Sailing encourages the substitution of tofu for virtually every normal holiday foodstuff, at least half the time. Tofurkey, tofu nog, tofu candy canes - there are any number of confusing substitutions you can make that will have at least one uncle leaving in a huff pretending to quote the Bible.

The War On Sailing appreciates the atonal or otherwise stony delivery of your favorite carol. Imagine how Nico would sing it, & there you are. Reciting them as if you're a modern poet in a modern poetry reading is also fine. The key is to convince others you're "reimagining" the stodgy seasonal ditty, while really you're just trying to annoy.

Lest you think that the War On Sailing wants to replace "good tidings & good cheer" with "confusion & spite" as the target emotions for the yuletide, we want to encourage more than good wishes - we demand you be supportive. For even the most rudimentary of tasks, you should shout, "Excellent work!" Often call for "three cheers!" for a co-worker or a family member who needs a boost. Serial hand-shaking is also much desired. The more folks shake hands, you know, the less they have palm-space for guns, knives, or other implements of violence.

The War On Sailing would also ask that the more mischievous of you make a habit of gainsaying during the month of December. This is especially delightful with political-minded relatives or friends, & works with both the liberal- & the conservative-minded. Preface any remark to a strident opinion with, "Do you really think that's true?" Of course they will, so you can follow with, "I just don't think that's true." Most people of this ilk will strive to prove their point, & it takes virtually no knowledge of the subject matter to simply deny an assertion out of hand. Exasperation for them can mean hilarity for you!

Finally, the War On Sailing reminds you that killing a tradition is not nearly as dishonorable as it seems. Slavery, female circumcision, bowl game parades - these are all "traditions" which are considered morally reprehensible by most persons in the universe today, but once upon a time they were accepted, even defended, by the vast majority of people. Alas, they were never truly replaced with an opposite number, & that's the task we've set out for you.

If only to have a little fun, this holiday season, kick your favorite tradition where it counts.

"War On Sailing" Playlist November 10, 2008

2008-11-24T12:27:00.002-06:00

This was not actually a "War On Sailing" show, but a sub show for "Gobblins For Breakfast." However, it wears the "War On Sailing" seal of approval as it should.

"Manners Can Be Fun" Frank Luther from Manners Can Be Fun
"Island Life" I Am Robot & Proud from Uphill City
"Phones, Machines & King Kong (feat. Daniel Johnston)" B. Fleischmann from Angst Is Not A Weltanschauung
"Lover Man" Jennifer Hartswick from Putumayo Presents Women of Jazz
"Sweet Safronia" Slim & Slam from Slim & Slam: 1938-1939

"Oh What A Feeling" The Organ from Thieves
"Photoshop" Sparks from Exotic Creatures Of The Deep
"Lesson 3 (History Of Hip Hop)" Steinski from What Does it All Mean?
"The Queen & I" Justified Ancients Of Mu Mu from 1987 What The Fuck's Going On?

"Behind The Mask" Eccodek from Shivaboom
"Telstar" Colonel Elliott & The Lunatics from Star Trek/Interstellar Reggae Drive
"Shine Your Monkey" Persian Market from Psychedelic States: Texas In The 60's Vol. 1
"Don't Let The Joneses Get You Down" Temptations from Emperors Of Soul

"Es Ist Schon Spät" Ilka Lux from Es Ist Schon Spät
"Whistle" Sporto Kantes from Un Hexagone Pop Multicolore
"Computer Toy" Sputnik Booster from Robot Science
"Automatic Lover" Teddybears from Automatic Lover

"Disney's Ice Parade" Ballboy from I Worked On The Ships
"California In Popular Song" Lucksmiths from First Frost
"The Exploding Boy" Lemon Sun from Perfect As Cats: A Tribute To The Cure
"What Goes On" Meat Purveyors from More Songs About Buildings & Cows
"Rock & Roll" Ramonalisas from Rock & Roll

"Ode To Abner" Human Highway from Moody Motorcycle
"I Don't Have A Job" Majestic 12 from Searching For The Elvis Knob
"This Time Next Year" Cause Co-Motion from It's Time: Singles 2005-2008
"L-Y" Tom Lehrer from The Remains Of Tom Lehrer
"Goth Girls" MC Frontalot from Nerdcore Rising
"Drugs" This Mortal Coil from Filigree & Shadow

"Bo Mambo" Yma Sumac from Mambo
"And She Sang" Puppini Sisters from The Rise & Fall Of Ruby Woo

The War On Sailing airs, you know, Thursdays from 5 to 7am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin. You may listen live online at kvrx.org. So why don't you?

Do Cell Phones Cause Male Pattern Baldness?

2008-11-24T12:03:00.003-06:00

It behooves you - as well as I - as well as they - to keep track of the current literature, specifically the scientific literature - also, the airport-novel literature, but that's for another essay - on how human beings constantly create things - we call it "technology" - the effects of which we not only fail to foresee, but also we choose to deny or ignore. Until, of course, it is far past too late.

Cellular phones, invented by the Romans but not feasible for mass production until the Nazis, came into their own in the late 20th century. Powered by the body scrapings of ghouls, these helpful communication devices have proliferated to the point that, in the United States alone, even the unborn are offered cell phone plans. But wait! I hear you interrupt. Parts of ghouls? Wouldn't that make them radioactive? Of course it would.

Below are some common claims about cell phone effects & the latest scientific responses to them. Please take them with a healthy dose of skepticism. If you see something you know to be false, text me.

Claim # 1: Cell phones feed off the plasma in your blood.
True. Ghouls, while perfectly fine as a power source for jumbo jets & all-night raves in abandoned warehouses, need human blood plasma to sustain themselves - even in tiny pieces - over long periods of time. The Catholic Church pioneered ghoul technology after they exploded the first atomic bomb in 1254 CE, but ghoul technology remains hopelessly misunderstood - partly because the church tends to fund more grants to prove the Bible can zip around in the air by itself.

Claim # 2: Ringtones are codes designed for secretly communicating with alien circus freaks.
Undetermined. The rise of alien circus freaks in most of the world's alien interactions has coincided with the rise of cell phone technology. However, as captured alien circus freaks have apparently only mastered Esperanto, it's impossible as yet to know why they have begun visiting Earth en masse. If you speak Esperanto, please contact your local alien apprehension squad. If you cannot find your local alien apprehension squad, please look in the phone book under "contact lens repair." There. That's them.

Claim # 3: A cellular phone can distill liquor.
False. Who told you that, anyway?

Claim # 4: Several legislative bodies all over the globe, including the United States, are debating adding amendments to their respective incorporation documents guaranteeing their citizens the right to a cell phone.
Undetermined. But would it surprise you?

Claim # 5: Cell phone are of the devil.
A little bit true, a little bit false. Of course, there is no "devil," although there are some American politicians who believe so & have acted accordingly, drinking the blood of children & gutting environmental laws. But if "of the devil," one means "evil," then most certainly cell phones have more of a capacity for evil than good. While a cell phone might be handy, for example, when your automobile breaks down by the side of the road, so you can call for help or chat with your mom or what-not, an annoying cell phone ring is 452% more likely to get you beat the fuck up than a home phone.

Claim # 6: All I need is my cell phone & a label maker & I am set.
What? Who submitted this? I'm trying to write a serious article here. Come on!

Claim # 7: While we don't know what cell phones are really doing to us & to our environment, they can't be as bad as the paranoid folks think.
Dream on, bright eyes.

"War On Sailing" Playlist November 6, 2008

2008-11-19T13:16:00.001-06:00

The War On Sailing continues its mighty plod. Here is a playlist from two weeks ago. Where were you?

"Too Bad" Rabble from Give Us Back Elaine
"Mashed Potato Canada" Carlos del Junco from Steady Movin'
"That's Groovy" Classic Example from The Classic Example
"Israelites" Desmond Dekker from Original Rude Boy
"Liquidator" Harry J Allstars from Liquidator: Best Of Harry J Allstars

"Evidence" Times New Viking from My Head 7"
"9mm Goes Bang (Instrumental)" Boogie Down Productions from Criminal Minded
"Tea Ski" Mitch Hedburg from Do You Believe In Gosh?
"Channel 1" Cinematic Orchestra Suite from Motion
"Heartbreaker" Metronomy from Nights Out
"Understanding Marx" Red Shadow (The Economics Rock & Roll Band) from Live At The Panacea Hilton

"Kansas City Man Blues" Sidney Bechet from Young Sidney Bechet 1923-1925
"She's About A Mover" Sir Douglas Quintet from Nuggets
"The Wild Side Of Life" Hank Thompson from The Best Of The Best Of Hank Thompson
"Bucket's Got A Hole In It" Washboard Sam from When The Sun Goes Down, Vol. 3: That's Chicago's South Side
"Bohemian Rhapsody" William Fairley Engineering Band from Golden Jubilee
"Monastiraki" Chasapiko from Michalis Terzis: Best Greek Songs

"Be A Star" Oh No Oh My from Dmitrij Dmitrij
"Prince Of Peace" School Of The Seven Bells from Alpinism
"Mean & Evil Blues" LC Williams from The Big Three
"Lonely Man" Magic Slim & The Teardrops from Midnight Blues
"Don't Sit Down" Rockyfellers from Lost Treasures! Rarities From The Vaults Of Del-Fi
"My First Zonee" Legendary Pink Dots from Plutonium Blonde

"Sucker DJ (Genie Mix Radio)" Dimples D from Sucker DJ
"Bible Thumper" Solid Gold from Bodies Of Water
"Go Not Happy Day" Jonathan Krisp from No Horse No Wife No Moustache
"Rewriting The National Anthem" Albert Brooks from Comedy Minus One
"Thunder Road" Coupe De Grass from Rhythm & Bluegrass

Do tell! "The War On Sailing" airs Thursdays from 5 to 7am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin & kvrx.org. You know?

2040 C.E.

2008-11-19T10:43:00.002-06:00

Red "Tucker" Fosberg has once again produced his famous "2040" list, a compendium of predictions, based almost entirely on the opposite of probability, statistics, & scientific fact, of what the world will be like in 2040. A provocative list, much discussed in very small circles, Fosberg's "2040" has been produced every year since Fosberg was four years old, when his list predicted, somewhat direly, that "In 2040 giant waterbug monster will kill everyone." Fans of Fosberg appreciate that this early sophistication has not been improved upon in the list's many years.

The War On Sailing blog is proud to present excerpts from Fosberg's 2008 "2040" list. Now in its seventh decade, the list remains the only predictive list which has been utterly different every time it's published.

From Fosburg's preface:

"In 2040, I plan to be dead. I have therefore spent my entire life wondering what the world would be like if I could live to be that age. Although the 1975 2040 list predicted that I would actually be alive in 2040 but as a disembodied 'selfish gene,' the foolishness of that prediction was revised in my 1980 2040 list, in which I predicted that, in 2040, I would have been dead for half a century. Happily, that prediction turned out to be untrue, as has the especially hysterical one in which I imagined that, in 2040, the Insect King would finish his forty-year reign of terror after his workers had consumed the last human. I don't know what I was thinking then. I might have been getting the house sprayed for termites. In any event, enjoy this list, &, as always, don't tell me when my predictions come true. They're supposed to."

My favorite prognostications from this year's list:

"In 2040, thumbs and pinky fingers, generally comfortable on opposite ends of the hand, will finish the strange, rapid evolutionary process of fusion, making a bony claw which will be instrumental in the Avian Civil War to follow."

"In 2040, science will invent a cheese that, once consumed, will make it possible for humans to breathe in liquid. Not water, unfortunately, but in milk, colas, beer & some runny yogurts."

"In 2040, a band of renegade outlaw clowns will win the Nobel Prize for Piracy by kidnapping the entire country of Indonesia & holding it hostage. None of the tiny islands will be spared."

"In 2040, the last remaining examples of paper currency which are not preserved in digital form in digital museums will be passed out to the AfrAsian mutant population to line their nests & feed their pods."

"In 2040, the Undersea Kingdom of Houston will finally end its terrorist attacks against the surface world."

"In 2040, the unexpected return of Jesus will coincide with the unexpected return of Horus & the resulting embarrassment of the two godlings will be endlessly mocked in the media."

"In 2040, chewing gum will once again be legalized, after previously subjugated dentists are freed."

"In 2040, everything will be changed & nothing will hurt you any more."

"War On Sailing" Playlist October 30, 2008

2008-11-13T10:45:00.002-06:00

There are radio shows, & there are radio shows. This is one of those.

"Joséphine Naboyi Ye" Franco from Classic Titles - Very Best Of
"Hello Blood" We Versus The Shark from Dirty Versions
"When Day Is Done" Feathers from Cicadelic 60's Volume 7: From Texas To Tucson
"Just Say Goodbye" Her Space Holiday from Sleepy Tigers EP
"Everybody Is Christ" Cindytalk from Camouflage Heart

"Pretty DarkN" ightmares On Wax from Thought So...
"Geniuser" Untie My Hands from Mud Black
"Ce Jeu (Tepr Remix)" Yelle from Ce Jeu EP
"Sei Finalmente" Amalia Rodriques from Caso Do Fado
"The Stand Ins" Okkervil River from Jagjaguwar

"Right Behind You Baby" Ray Smith from The Sun Records Collection
"Looped" Tommy Ridgley from Crescent City Soul: Sound Of New Orleans
"Crazy Blues" Mamie Smith from Mamie Smith Vol. 1 (1920-1921)
"Jam Master Jay" Run-DMC from Greatest Hits

"Humdinger" Old Crow Medicine Show from Tenneessee Pusher
"Yearling's In The Canebrake/The Gal On The Log" Captain MJ Bonner from Old Time Texas String Bands Vol. 2: Dallas Bound
"I Like Bears" Kimya Dawson from Alphabutt

"Little Mama" Monk Higgins from Little Mama
"BBoy Breakdown (You Got The Job Mix)" Steinski from What Does it All Mean?
"January 8th" Women from Women
"No Secret Why" The Coast from Expatriate

"The Demon Spell For Energy" Louise Huebner from Seduction Through Witchcraft
"Don't Shake Me Lucifer" Roky Erickson & The Aliens from The Evil One
"Devil's Got Your Mind" San Francisco TKOs from Golden State Funk

"I Am Dead" mrhamburger from Songs For The Active Dead
"Re: Your Brains" Jonathan Coulton from Thing A Week Two
"If You Shoot The Head You Kill The Ghoul" Jeffrey Lewis from It's The Ones Who've Cracked That The Light Shines Through
"Astro Zombies" Doleful Lions from Song Cyclops Vol. 2
"Monster" Automatic from Not Accepted Anywhere

"Children's Day At The Morgue" Sheldon Allman from Sing Along With Drac
"Zap The World" Jack Wild, Billy Hayes & Martha Raye from Pufnstuf OST
"Old Witch, Old Witch" Burl Ives from A Twinkle In Your Eye

By the way, no one ever gives me candy for doing radio, which I think is a pity, as I like candy, & there's always the possibility that more candy might mean better radio. Just saying. The War On Sailing does air on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin from 5 to 7 am Thursdays & online then as well at kvrx.org. Do NOT drink shots with a straw. Please.

Proud Colossus!

2008-11-12T13:26:00.002-06:00

The invention of the oud in the early Middle Ages is the subject of a provocative new documentary (currently unreleased & feeling a little rejected in its metal container) by former filmmaker & current electrical engineer Hermann Wrassler. Wrassler, whose lovely wife Maybelline is the leading Avon Brand Raspberry Rouge salesgirlie in the South-West Idaho District for three years running, can't play the instrument & is in fact completely tone deaf (also, color-blind & uppity-nosed), & so relied on expert testimony from friends of his who speculated on the past, future, current whereabouts & possible philosophic/political bent of the instrument which most scholars believe preceded the lute & which some betting men wager could hand the lute its ass in a basket.

Wrassler remains passionate about the project despite mistakenly returning one copy he had to Netflix instead of the recent Indiana Jones sequel. Netflix executives reportedly sent it on five more times until someone complained that they had gotten the wrong movie, & that person had mistaken Harrison Ford for Henry Ford, at whose auto plant the customer once lost the use of every long vowel after a mishap with a power window. But Wrassler was not cheered by the meager reception his magnum opus has thus far received:

"Did you see the last Indiana Jones movie?" he said, exasperated. "That fucking sucked!"

Scholars of the War On Sailing often find themselves enraptured by musical instruments, a common way to mis-transmit information in repressive or otherwise nonsensical cultures. Tweed Muppet's landmark seven volume History Of The Tambourine once reportedly sent Vladimir Putin into a rage because it revealed KGB techniques that he - Putin - thought were invented in his lifetime. As well, Young Sandy Arfster's Oboe, written & re-written at least two dozen times during her lifetime, & three times since her death, is widely read not only to discover what a "double reed" is but to understand how Hoover failed as the economy crashed around him.

Is the same true about Wrassler's "filmic history" of the Middle Eastern stringed instrument called the oud? The five Netflix customers who have seen it chose not to review it for the DVD rental agency, & the agency would not reveal the names for further research. What of Wrassler's friends? Have they seen it?

"I have no friends," said Wrassler.

Too many complete works are either unavailable (think of the last seventeen novels JD Salinger has written) or have been completely destroyed (think of the first seventeen novels JD Salinger wrote) for scholars to be sanguine about this short film (apparently only thirteen minutes long, minus previews) which was filmed on location in South-West Idaho, with some scenes secretly shot in a Home Depot ten minutes before closing. Repeated requests to Wrassler by this writer were denied, although when I offered to throw in a donut, he hesitated.

More research, as always, is needed.

"War On Sailing" Playlist October 25, 2008

2008-11-11T12:34:00.002-06:00

Someone was saying something about something while something was playing really loud sometime, but I'm pretty sure that this is what happened on the War On Sailing radio show the entire while:

"Goin' Man Huntin'" Jo Ann Garrett from Eccentric Soul: Twilight's Lunar Rotation
"The Storm" High Places from High Places
"Comarovo" Alexandroid from False Starts
"Yo Yo Affair Pts 1 & 2" Fresna from Madlib The Beat Konducta - WLIB AM: King Of The Wigflip
"Apollo" Kid Capri from The Tape

"Don't Be Fooled" The Flying Toubillon Orchestra from Escapements
"Kill Or Be Killed" Youngmond Grand from Youngmond Grand
"Border Guards" Rosebuds from Life Like
"Big Rock Candy Mountain" Highwaymen from Standing Room Only!
"Perspex Icon" Wire from Object 47

"Dog Hill" Boozoo Chavis from Dat's Zydeco: The Best
"O-O-Wah" Mel Williams & The Montclairs from He Digs Doo Wop Vol. 1
"Give My Regards To Broadway" Al Jolson from The History Of Pop Radio (1927-1929)
"Not Another Face In The Crowd" Thrills from Not Another Face In The Crowd
"Rodeo - 4 Dance Episodes" Los Angeles Guitar Quartet from The Best Of The Los Angeles Guitar Quartet
"Sona Yar (Sona, My Love)" Gevorg Dabaghyan from Lost Songs From Eden
"Dueling Tubas" Martin Mull from Martin Mull & His Fabulous Furniture In Your Living Room!!

"Brainwave" Nomo from Ghost Rock
"Daphne Walking" Melodians from Swing & Dine
"Do What You Can" James Jackson Toth from Waiting In Vain
"Go Way From My Window" Carolyn Hester from Carolyn Hester
"Crystal Stilts" Crystal Stilts from Alight Of Night
"Soldiers Of A Pure War" Mydolls from Cottage Cheese From The Lips Of Death

"Lowres" Kronos from Kronopolis Rising
"Duck You Sucker" Claude Denjean from Open Circuit
"MMany Ways To Say I Love Yo" Mr. Rogers from Bedtime
"Sugar Crystals (feat. Ulrich Schnauss)" Airiel from The Battle Of Sealand

"If Ever Married I'm" Blossom Dearie & Cast from Ben Begley's Unpublished Cole Porter Vol. 2
"In Honolulu In Der Hafenbar" Hula Hawaiian Quartett from Am Weißen Strand Von Soerabaja
"Habanera From 'Carmen'" Leona Anderson from Music To Suffer By

Oh, & you can hear this show in spite of itself on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin & that link'll let you listen anywhere in the world, Thursdays 5 to 7am Texas time.

Astride The Auld Libertine

2008-11-11T11:55:00.004-06:00

"Frank Pankuk, a Hungarian, boarding at No. 72 East Fourth-street, was called on last evening by his brother Joseph, a worthless young ruffian, 21 years old, who wanted money. Frank refused to give it to him, whereupon Joseph pulled a revolver and fired two shots at his brother. One took effect in his right breast, inflicting a dangerous wound. Joseph fled, and had not been arrested at a late hour. The wounded man was removed to Bellevue Hospital."

So reported the New York Times on January 9, 1885. But about the incident's outcome, the paper is silent - as is history itself. What happened to Frank Pankuk? Did he live? How dangerous was his wound? How did he, a simple boarder, afford his bill at Bellevue?

& what about that worthless young ruffian, Joseph Pankuk? Was he ever caught? Did he ever shoot anyone again? Will he continue to be vilified by history, being an unhappy example of young, worthless Hungarian ruffians?

Alas, the "grey lady," the "paper of record," does not answer these questions. Frank Pankuk, a young adult Hungarian male who had arrived in the United States in early 1883 in order to find work in the slave labor trade, distinguished himself early on as an obvious foreigner & strange-looking person who couldn't speak English very well. His brother Joseph, too, seemed very much unlike average New Yorkers unless they had recently arrived from Eastern Europe or were in some ways unpleasant to the observer. The two brothers chose not to live together, Joseph instead preferring to hang out with other young ruffians, & Frank being far more comfortable with sitting in his filthy room drawing pictures of naked women in his bible.

Why wouldn't the New York Times report these obviously untrue facts? & why, after deigning to report on a bloody skirmish between the two brothers, not bother to report on their fates? What was more important? Teddy Roosevelt at Harvard? Kaiser Wilhelm learning how to tango? Sarah Bernhardt in La Fille de Roland? The discovery & subsequent loss of Fred Hermsch's entire oeuvre? What I had for breakfast?

Surely you can see my point. Alas, we may never know what fate befell the Pankuk brothers, but you can make sure the same thing never happens to you, especially if you're Hungarian, a young ruffian, &/or living in the 19th century. So please do. & tell them it has everything to do with the War On Sailing.

"War On Sailing" Playlist October 16, 2008

2008-11-10T10:23:00.002-06:00

Though this show happened in your past, it looks much like you imagined your future would look. In 1994. Don't you remember?

"B-Boys B-Girls" Rock Steady Crew from Ready For Battle
"Uneasy Affair" Lines from Memory Span
"Sloppy Drunk" Walter Brown from Play The Blues - The Best Of
"Rockin' Bones" Flat Duo Jets from Two Headed Cow
"Parralax//Vivid" Bichi from Notwithstanding

"Close Up" Lambchop from OH (Ohio)
"Dicks Hate The Police" Dicks from Dicks: 1980-1986
"Hotels & Beds" Mitch Hedburg from Do You Believe In Gosh?
"Yodeling Polka" Spade Cooley & The Western Swing Dance Gang feat. Tex Williams from Shame On You
"Petty Bourgeois Dub" Mad Professor from Anti-Racist Dub Broadcast

"Giily Gilly Ossenfeffer Katzenellenbogen By The Sea" Max Bygraves from The Best Of Max Bygraves
"Chelsea Girls" Nico from Chelsea Girls
"Drumboogie (vocal, Irene Daye)" Gene Krupa & His Orchestra from The Many Faces Of Boogie Woogie
"Come Rain Or Come Shine" Art Blakey's Jazz Messengers from Moanin'
"El Vestido" Juana Molina from Un Dia
"Málaga" Esteban Sanchez from Albéniz: Iberia; España; Recuerdos De Viaje; Sonata No. 5

"Snoopy Waves" Deerhoof from Offend Maggie
"Should I Stay Or Should I Go" Ukelele Orchestra Of Great Britain from Anarchy In The Ukelele
"You'll Never Get That Guy" Manhattan Love Suicides from Burnt Out Landscapes
"Zombies" Tastydactyls from Waking The Giants
"Enjoy Yourself" Jolie Holland from The Living & The Dead

"A Good Love Is Like A Good Song" Dottsy from The Sweetest Thing
"Lock You Up" Upchuck from Gone But Not Forgotten
"Nang Meaw Pee (The Ghost Of Catwoman)" Surapon Alias The Fox from Thai Beat A Go-Go Vol. 2
"Spider-Man On Hollywood" Wedding Present from El Rey
"Major Tom" The Space Lady from The Space Lady By Amazing Thingz
"Brother, Be Ready For That Day" Grady & Hazel Cole from Flowers In The Wildwood - Women In Early Country Music

The War On Sailing airs Thursdays from 5 to 7 am in Austin on 91.7 fm KVRX. There can be no other explanation for it.

Contents May Unsettle After Opening

2008-11-10T10:05:00.003-06:00

While the international debacle in regards to feral children continues unmolested, let quasi-independent observer & part-time committed activist Ernest Growl weigh in on this airy subject:

Contrary to popular misdirection, there is no "problem" with feral children provided you have a continual demarcation between so-called "raised by wolves" types & "raised by douchebag" types. The three Austrian girls, for example, whose mother kept them in a cellar for seven years - raised by a total douchebag. The young Romanian boy allegedly reared by dogs who was discovered in 2002 - a feral child. Let's put too fine a point on it: you cannot bandy the phrase "feral child" about when you just want to inflate the numbers so you have extra heft to your empty doctoral dissertation. You should write about Bruce Springsteen like you wanted to & forget this subject. You'll get a PhD! They give them out like condoms!

As a former feral child (I was raised by pumas because my parents couldn't afford to get me into a decent prep school), I can say with virtual certainty that being able to clean oneself with one's tongue is a talent that verges on the heaven-sent. I can also say that, although English is my second-language, it has none of the elegance of the truly subtle purr-speak of most felines. These kinds of insights are not only exclusive to me & my feral brethren, they are highly disputed among the jealously elite we call the "raised by their own kind." Are these haters able to kill & eat their own dinner despite the fleas? Are they able to differentiate a threatening footstep from a friendly padding? How about in a thunderstorm? How about while tripping balls on catnip? Why do they, then, insist on reporting on & classifying "feral children"? You wouldn't let someone who didn't know Czech teach Czech to some No Children who were Left Behind, would you? You wouldn't.

This maligning of the feral child & mislabeling of the truly abused must end here & it must end now. Although we'll totally understand if you need time to think about it. There are maybe only a few dozen feral children & obviously tens of thousands of abused children, so we understand that our anger at being treated this way is not proportional to the number of those who are suffering. We're not dumb. & we also won't mind if there's government money available for us which we are - oh, let's just pile it on - for which we're just too socially awkward to ask. We were raised by turtles! & peregrine falcons! & grizzlies! & evangelicals! Help us with some cash!

For more information on feral children, please visit big ominous forests & ask the animals there if they've found anything that belongs to you. They'll know what you mean. They'll take you straight to the feral child nursery. Just take care they don't eat you - animals in the forest are hungry!

"War On Sailing" Playlist October 9, 2008

2008-11-10T09:55:00.001-06:00

This was a golden time, when a person named "McCain" might well have led a country named "America." But what happens when an evil sprite named "Palin" goes all "Monty-Python" on him? We may always know!

"Terminal Silver" O9 from Church Of The Ghetto PC
"Poney Pt. 1" JDH & Dave P from Go Commando
"Do The Funk" LSD from Watch Out For The Third Rail
"Niggy Tardust" Saul Williams from The Inevitable Rise & Liberation Of Niggy Tardust
"Picong Duel" The Mighty Sparrow & Lord Melody from Calypso Awakening From The Emory Cook Collection

"Kagayake" Polysics from We Ate The Machine
"Mambalita" Orchestra Superstring from Orchestra Superstring
"The Purpose Of A Rake" The Boy Bathing from A Fire To Make Preparations
"Don't Say It's Too Late (Live)" Explosives from KaBOOM!
"Painted Shut" Jay Reatard from Matador Singles '08
"So Young" Clyde Stacy & The Nitecaps from Teenage Crush Vol. 4

"Le Premier Chagrin D'Amour" France Gall from L'Anthologie
"Drowning On Dry Land" O.V.Wright from The Soul Of O.V. Wright
"Four Or Five Times" Sister Rosetta Tharpe from The Original Soul Sister
"Words" Dogs from Different

"A Twist In The Sky" Lesser Gonzalez Alvarez from Why Is Bear Billowing?
"A Turtle Lives In The Waters" The Giants Of Gender from The Giants Of Gender
"What Makes Me Happy" Bears from Simple Machinery
"Your Soul Mate" Stephen Colbert from I Am America (& So Can You!)
"The Only Ones" All Girl Summer Fun Band from Looking Into It

"Ethyl In My Gas Tank (No Gal In My Arms)" Jimmie Heap & The Melody Masters from Release Me
"Saturated Beyond Repair" Giant Sand from Provisions
"Call It Stormy Weather" T-Bone Walker from Father Of The Modern Blues: 1929-1950
"Puncha Puncha" Avishai Cohen Trio from Gently Disturbed
"Lonely Woman" Marzette Watts Ensemble from Marzette Watts Ensemble

"Monkey Bee" Monkey from Journey To The West XL
"Nancy Walker" I Hate Men from I Hate Men
"Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town" Walter Brennan from Yesterday, When I Was Young
"Turn The Lights Down Low" Hazeldine from Down To The Promised Land: 5 Years Of Bloodshot Records

The War On Sailing airs Thursdays from 5 to 7 am in slightly hungover fashion only on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin. You have been wooed.

Zazen & The Art Of Mandible Rewiring

2008-11-10T09:33:00.003-06:00

Brief items shall be the order for the day for the War On Sailing from this moment until the moment it stops. Things have changed too slowly to be quickly overlooked in this rapidly decelerating world. So I must be quick. Or else everything may grind to a halt.

The radio show is not perchance the tour de force perforce that one might have originally perceived it to be. Indeed, it's not so much a pearl of great cost as a mock pearl tossed before mocking swine. Just the tonic, indeed, for these troubled timbers. While we have as a matter of course not focused on either the current financial crisis nor the current American election - seriously, we're not that easily fooled - we have decided to support the castanheiros in South America in their desire to rename the month of August "Brazil Nut Month." Well! The meeting at which this decision took place was not well-attended, but that's because it was not well-advertised. Which is all well & good.

A correspondent in Corcova has asked in slightly trippy Romanian if we intend to become more up-to-date in the manner accustomed to "posting playlists on the world-wide-wonk." I am entirely sure this is a reference to a game that Vladimir Putin has been known to play with extraordinarily renditioned guest-workers from the Caspian, but we shall demure in the name of global sanctimony & instead reply, "We'll try." We who watch & learn & report on the War On Sailing are kept very busy with alcohol & pencils, & it's truly a wonder that Your Historian has managed to play records two hours a week in the short term. Don't hassle me with your sighs, Chuck.

Stay tuned for regular outbursts. No one need know you were here. Just walk along as if nothing has happened.

"War On Sailing" Playlist October 2, 2008

2008-10-08T12:40:00.002-06:00

Last week's playlist, delivered with this week's exhaustion. Please to enjoy, if you didn't the first time.

"The Door Opens" The New Year from The New Year
"Ending The Orange Glow" Talkdemonic from Eyes At Half Mast
"Afterglow" Akira Kosemura & Haruka Nakamura from Afterglow
"In Technology We TRUST" Blotnik Brothers from Mizuage Satamile

"Frown On The Moon" Sonny Burns from A Real Cool Cat
"Let Us Bomb" Jon Hartmann from George Bush Sings...
"Viola Sonata, Op. 25, No. 4" Nonuko Imal & Roland Pöntinen from Hindemith: Viola Sonatas/Meditation
"Freakout 3" Odd Nosdam from Level Live Wires
"Brian Wilson" D-Sisive from The Book
"Bilinque In Paris" Pascal Lejeune from Acoustic France

"Lydia The Tattooed Lady" Groucho Marx from American Songbook Series: E.Y. Harburg
"Blue Grass" Ronnie Ross from Sax Greats - Vol. 2
"Mighty Like The Blues" Hazel Scott from The Women (Jazz Female Artists 1939-1952)
"Boogie'n With George" George "Harmonica" Smith from Now You Can Talk About Me
"Crown Of Age" Ettes from Look At Life Again Soon
"Surfin' USA (Summer Mix)" Jesus & Mary Chain from The Power Of Negative Thinking

"Eyes Wide Terrified" Johnny Foreigner from Waited Up Til It Was Light
"Untitled" The Remote Viewer from I Can't Believe It's Not Better
"Love No" Teenagers from Reality Check
"Hey Bartender" Floyd Dixon from Swing It, Daddy-O!
"Nine Behind" Travis Haddix from Daylight At Midnight

"From This Moment On" Kenny Dorham from Kenny Dorham Sings & Plays: This Is The Moment
"Always On Your Mind" Jennifer O'Connor from Here With Me
"The Ex-President's Waltz" David Massengil from Fast Folk Musical Magazine
"Ungrateful Baby" Delroy Wilson from The Delroy Wilson Collection: 26 Massive Hits From Studio One

"The Music Man" Rusty Goffe from Cabaret Time With Rusty Goffe
"Little Birdie" Holcomb & Ward from The Music Of Roscoe Holcomb & Wade Ward

As always, please remember: you can hear "The War On Sailing" every Thursday morning from 5 to 7 am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin. Ask yourself: dare I miss it? Answer yourself: what's it to you?

Why answer a question with a question? Do you know?

"War On Sailing" Playlist September 27, 2008

2008-10-08T12:09:00.002-06:00

Called in at the last minute to sub a show, your historian took his opportunity to future explore the complex issues of The War On Sailing in this early Saturday morning edition.

"Morspcether" Afropolice from Break A Code
"No Deliveries List" Styrofoam from A Thousand Words
"Bruce" Wevie Stonder from The Wooden Horse Of Troy
"Graveyard Girl" M83 from Saturdays=Youth
"Gonorrhea" Bran Flakes from My Malady

"People Will Say Mambo" Permian High School Stage Band from Permian High School Band, Odessa, Texas, 1960-1961
"Rings" Nomo from Ghost Rock
"Doughnut Run" A-Bones from Music Minus Five
"Would You Like A Bite Of My Fruit?" Faux Jeans from The Mongolian Invasion
"Mama Bought A Possum" Tommy Allen from When They Close The Last Honky Tonk
"Smoothie" Kimya Dawson from Alphabutt

"Can't Believe You Love Me" Ambassadors from The Sound Of Philadelphia - Philadelphia Roots Vol. 2
"Tounka" Rokia Traoré from Tchamantché
"On The Radio" Crash Crew from Crash Crew
"Slouched Over Rmx" Take from Earthtones & Concrete
"I (Haruka Nakamura Remix)" Flica from Windvane & Window
"Messe Joyeuse" Monade from Montre Cosmic

"The Ballad Of Batman" Campers from Campark Vol. 14 - Novelty, Instro & Rock/Soul
"Clean My Sins" Mojomatics from Don't Pretend That You Know Me
"Sister Nicotine" Bantam Rooster from Deal Me In
"Bear Face" Abe Vigoda from Skeleton
"Rib Joint" Sam Price & His Texas Bluesicians from Sam Price & His Texas Bluesicians 1929-1941
"Crow Jane" Cephas & Wiggins from Richmond Blues
"Party Tonight" Henry Qualls from Texas Blues Guitar Summit

"La Boheme" Guido Gialdini from La Boheme
"(Ghost) Riders In The Sky" Baja Marimba Band from The Best Of The Baja Marimba Band
"Track Two" Emo Phillips from Emo
"No" Vivian Girls from Vivian Girls

"Hurt So Good" Susan Cadogan from Susan Cadogan
"Heartbeat" Herbie Hancock from Man-Child

The War On Sailing happens all the time, but the The War On Sailing radio program regularly airs Thursdays from 5 - 7 am only on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin.

"War On Sailing" Playlist September 25, 2008

2008-10-08T11:43:00.002-06:00

You know that stank-ass Steve Miller Band song where he keeps singing "Time keeps on slipping into the future" - well, it's true. & it's true even when you're not high listening to some classic rock station & daydreaming about asking someone like Yoda how to increase your sexual potency. But in any event, here's more music playing on the War On Sailing radio show.

"Fruity Pebbles IV: Lizzie's Stomach" Real Quiet from Tight Sweater: Real Quiet Plays The Music Of Marc Mellits
"The Magic Of Your Love" Majestic Arrows from Numero Group
"All My Brothers Are Clean" Billy Jones & The All Stars from Funkin' On The 1
"Roady" Fat Freddy's Drop from Based On A True Story
"The Grace & Beauty Rag" Knocky Parker from Jazz & Blues Piano Vol. 2 (1924-1947)
"Marry The Unknown" Conrad Ford from Secret Army

"Company Q Whistle March" New Christy Minstrels from Today/Ramblin'
"Fences Around Field" Death Vessel from Nothing Is Precious Enough For Us
"Do You Love Me" Rainbow Red Oxidizer from Recorded Lies
"Wild Wild Ride" Adventure from Adventure
"Wir Kinder Vom Bahnhof Strom" T Raumschmiere from Radio Blackout

"Old Man" Bryan Maclean from ifyoubelievein
"A Hanging" Steven Severin from Maldoror
"You'se A Viper" Stuff Smith from Radio Days Vol. 2
"Guns Of Navaronne" Joe Reisman & His Orchestra from Hey! Look What I Found! Vol. 11
"Mwafwaka" Mapumba from African Party
"Amari Szi, Amari" Caspian Hat Dance from Caspian Hat Dance

"Gommorah (A Nursery Rhyme)" Rodriguez from Cold Fact
"Lula's Bar & Pool" Shoulders from Trashman Shoes
"Dancing With My Eighty Wives" Individuals from Fields/Aquamarine
"I Gotta Habit" Cool C from I Gotta Habit

"Veronika" Tricky from Knowle West Boy
"Disobediance by A. A. Milne" Jenny Agutter from Poetry Please: The Anniversary Edition
"In Your Headphones" Dressy Bessy from Holler & Stomp
"La Bamba" West Lothian Schools Brass Band from Cartoon
"The Line" Unbearables from Autonomy Vs Shame

"Lady Love Bug" Clodagh Rodgers from You Are My Music
"Praise The Lord & Pass The Ammunition" Southern Sons from 1940's Vocal Groups (1941-1944)
"Menage á Trois/Spooky Scat" Les Primitifs Du Future from Tribal Musette

"Big Bertha The Truck Driving Queen" Bud Brewer from Big Bertha The Truck Driving Queen
"Rambling Yodeler" Cliff Carlisle from A Country Legacy 1930-1939
"Song Of A Drunken Nightingale" Bill Fox from Transit Byzantium
"Hey Hey Bartender" Del McCoury from 16 Down Home Country Classics
"I Am A Poor Pilgrim Of Sorrow" Old Regular Baptists from Classic Mountain Songs

It happens here & then: 5 - 7 am, KVRX 91.7 fm kvrx.org. Be there when if possible ever.

"War On Sailing" Playlist September 18, 2008

2008-10-08T11:40:00.003-06:00

Very late is this playlist. I canna keep up.

"You, Bo Diddley" Bo Diddley from The Black Gladiator
"Reservoir Park" The Duchess & The Duke from She's The Duchess, He's The Duke
"Honey Bun" Charlene Arthur from Honey Bun
"Suspended In Gaffa" Ra Ra Riot from The Rhumb Line
"Suprise Ending" Bitesize from Sophomore Slump

"Pirates" Mr. Gnome from Deliver This Creature
"Babo-ling" Harry Babasin Quintet from Jazz In Hollywood
"Raga In D" Ted Lucas from Numero Group
"January Summer" Drum Komputer from Ambient Systems - Limited Edition
"Notanumber" Apparat from Algorythm
"Telephone" Helen Myers from Let's Play!

"When It's Sleepy Time Down South" Teddi King from All The Kings' Songs
"I Want What I Want When I Want It" Dee Dee King from Standing In The Spotlight
"Memphis Shakedown" Memphis Jug Band from Violin, Sing The Blues For Me
"Goodbye Maggie" Lilly Brothers from The Prestige/Folklore Years Vol. 3: Roots & Branches
"Panic In Hanoi" Lee Harvey Oswald Band from Blastronaut
"Latin" Sic Alps from A Long Way To A Shortcut

"Bad Times" Scotty McKay from Kicksville Vol. 4
"The King Of The Trailer Park" Justice Of The Unicorns from Angels With Uzis
"Killing The Cool" Low Line Caller from Hi Def Soft Core
"My Wife & My Dead Wife" Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians from Luminous Groove Sampler

"Tinindo Trincando" Novos Baianos from Andy Votel Presents Brazilika
"Moça Flor" Clara Moreno from Meu Samba Torto
"Finale From The William Tell Overture" David Morris & The Scottish Co-op Band from World Champion Whistling
"Dirty Looks" Don Caballero from Punkgasm
"It's A Super Spectacular Day" Bobby Alto & Buddy Mantia from Mad Super Special Summer 1980

"Impossible Things # 2" Looper from Up A Tree
"Oj, W Bernie W Magazynie" Wiejska Ork. Kmiecia from Historic Polish-American Recordings - Chicago & New York 1927 - 1933
"Jerry, Go Oil That Car" Haywire Mac from Classic Railroad Songs From Smithsonian Folkways

Listen to The War On Sailing Thursdays 5 to 7am only on 91.7 fm KVRX! You'll never know what you're missing until you're caught it. Then you can miss it with good reason.

Playing "Catch-Up" With Playlists

2008-09-10T09:49:00.007-06:00

& we should be caught up! Remember to listen to "The War On Sailing - The Radio Show" on Thursday mornings from 5 to 7 am live on the 91.7 frequency in Austin & the surrounding provinces &/or online around the internet-netted world at kvrx.org!

September 4, 2008

"Out" Ellen Allien from Sool
"Assembly Lines" Daedelus from Love to Make Music To
"Sidewalk Killer" I-Roy from Don't Check Me With No Lightweight Stuff (1972-1975)
"Return Of The Super Ape" Lee Scratch Perry from Return Of The Super Ape
"Killed A Girl" Late Fees from The Late Fees

"Absolutely Not" Local Disappointment from Florida's About To Pop!: A Pop Comp: Take II
"We Are The Champions" Palast Orchester featuring Max Raabe from Party Time
"The Next Spot" Herbaliser from Same As It Never Was
"You Can't Take It With You Baby" LC Williams from Texas Blues
"Can Can Summer" The Fall from Imperial Wax Solvent
"We Love You" Psychedelic Furs from The Psychedelic Furs

"Symphonie De Chamber No. 2 Op. 49 'Pastorale'" Darius Milhaud & The Orchestra Of Radio Luxembourg from Symphonie De Chambers Nos 1-6
"Twelve, Over & Under" David Liebman from Conversation
"AFFCO" Skeptics from In Love With These Times
"People Are Wonderin'" Baby "Pee Wee" Parham from Bay Area Blues
"Tarona 2" Various Artists from Invisible Face Of The Beloved: Classical Music Of The Tajiks & Uzbeks
"Oh Papa" F. Kenya's Guitar Band from The Guitar & The Gun

"Alright" Sways from Happy Days Are Coming
"Under The Burka" Muslimgauze from Tandoori Dog
"Sweet Thing" Drew Brown from Life Beyond Mars: Bowie Covered
"Blow Gabriel Blow" Martha Tilton from The Complete Standard Transcriptions
"Moonminer" Pram from The Moving Frontier

"Slow Down" Doug Sahm from San Antonio Rock: The Harlem Recordings 1957-1961
"Time & Space" The Accidental from There Were Wolves
"Why Don't You Haul Off & Love Me" Red Foley from Company's Comin'
"Hot For Teacher" Richard Cheese from Tuxicity

"A Sailor's Not A Sailor (Til A Sailor's Been Tattooed)" Mitzi Gaynor & Ethel Mermen from There's No Business Like Show Business
"Cowboy" Dickson Hall from My Rifle, My Pony & Me - Movie & TV Soundtracks

September 11, 2008

"Clever Hans" Lucksmiths from Boondoggle
"The Bellhop" Pomegranates from Everything Is Alive
"My Ears Should Burn" Claude Gray from Songs Of Broken Love Affairs
"Roots Of A Tree" Tim Fite from Fair Aint Fair
"Herkimer The Homely Doll" Sterling Holloway from Herkimer The Homely Doll
"Apples" One For The Team from Build It Up

"My Woman & The Devil" Mercy Dee Walton from One Room Country Shack
"Early One Morning" Chris James & Patrick Rynn from Stop & Think About It
"Falling In Love Again" Marlene Deitrich from Marlene Deitrich
"The Motorcade Sped On" Steinski from What Does it All Mean?
"The Beat That My Heart Skipped" Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip from Angles

"Bang Bang" Jimmie Davis from Louisiana
"Is That A Monkey You Got?" Bill "Jazz" Gillum from The Best Of The Blues Vol. 3
"A Place In My Heart" Appreciations from The Northern Souljers Meet Hi-Rhythm
"Gatur Bait" Gaturs from Wasted
"Mosquito Song" Seun Kuti & Egypt 80 from Many Things

"All The Rage" The Royal We from The Royal We
"Hate Thing" Bizarre Music Machine from Acceptance, Hate, Sadness & Hope
"Centrifuge" Dead Amps from Reloader
"Slim Jim Baby" Johnny Dollar from Gene Vincent Cut Our Songs: Primitive Texas Rockabilly & Honky Tonk

"Bad Losers At Yahoo Chess" Half Man Half Biscuit from CSI: Ambleside
"Hoom-Pum-Billi-Billi" Bobby Aro from Finn-Glish Fun
"Autumnal Ego" Alias from Resurgasm
"Collapsing At Your Doorstep" Air France from No Way Down
"Push & Pull" Suite Crude from Space Age Gutbucket Afrodelic Jazzploitation

"Is It Possible?" Ray Noble & His Orchestra from Ray Noble & His Orchestra
"Arkansas Hard Luck" Lonnie Gibson from The Roots Of Rap

Three More August "War On Sailing" Playlists

2008-09-04T14:36:00.006-06:00

I will attempt to post the song's playlist with more creepy regularity. Remember, you can always see them in a big pile at kvrx.org . Please note the extensive documentation & the dogears all over the place.

August 25, 2008

"Everything Sticks To Him" Hideki Kaji from Tea
"Tremor" Japancakes Waking Hours from Warm
"Confessin' The Blues" Walter Brown from Play The Blues! The Best Of Walter Brown
"Never Be Dead" Agnostic Mountain Gospel Choir from Ten Thousand
"Sapo No Saco" Jararaca & Ratinho from Acervo Funarte De Musica Brasilia

"Latch Key Kid" Fall from Imperial Wax Solvent
"Nazi Cowboys (On Welfare)" Stick Men With Rayguns from Some People Deserve To Suffer
"Zipper In My Spine" Robyn Hitchcock & The Egyptians from Luminous Groove Sampler
"Does It Hurt" Wipers from History Of Portland Punk Vol. 1
"Jazz" Steinski from hat Does it All Mean?
"On The Dance Tip" King Tee from At Your Own Risk

"Get Up Early In The Morning" Pat Butram Get Up from Early In The Morning
"Nowhere Man" Big Savad & The Deep Manko from Celebrating The Eggman: A Tribute To John Lennon
"Slick" Ramsey Lewis from Salongo
"Rhythm No. 7" Advanced Waveform Synthetics from Sham

"After Summer" Pia Fraus from Springsister
"Happy Hour News" Firesign Theatre from Forward Into The Past
"Walk By Your House" Individuals from Fields/Aquamarine
"Police Gun Jitters" Flesh Eaters from No Questions Asked
"La Bella Cubana" Bebo Valdes from Bebo
"Molto Vivace" Hellenic Trio from Works Of Greek Composers I

"Gearzy's Boogie" Watermelon Slim & The Workers from No Paid Holidays
"The Yodelin' Teacher" The Texas Drifter (Goebel Reeves) from Sounds Like Jimmie Rodgers
"Squirrels" Neva Denovo from You May Already Be Dreaming
"The Man I Love" King Sisters from For You
"G'wan I Told You" Hociel Thomas from Hociel Thomas & Lillie Delk Christian (1925 - 1928)

"Mule Train" Count Prince Miller from Trojan Country Reggae Box Set
"Southern Comfort" Blood Of Abraham from Future Profits
"The Standoffish Cat" Mrs Jynx from Vlodrum 2

August 28, 2008

"Overture from Die Soldaten" Gürzenich-Orchester Köln from Zimmerman's Die Soldaten, An Opera In Four Acts Wergo
"Fruitless Ways" Black Swans from Change!
"Is There Anybody Here?" Phil Ochs from Farewells & Fantasies
"What The Dickens" Twink from A Very Fine Adventure
"Pokies The Bear (Remix)" PJ Pooterhoots from No Go

"Parisian Goldfish" Flying Lotus from Los Angeles
"Pay Ya Dues" Low Profile from We're In This Together
"They Have A Name" The Chap from Mega Breakfast
"Sad Girl" Jives from Making Time
"The Beach" Meho Plaza from Meho Plaza
"The Duck" Jackie Lee from 18 Northern Soul Floor Shakers

"Shim-Me-Sha-Wabble" Mutt Carey & His New Yorkers from Portrait Of A New Orleans Master
"Dagenham Dave" Stranglers from No More Heroes
"Ain't I'm A Dog" Ronnie Self from Columbia Rockabilly Vol. 1
"The Entertainer" Tony Clarke from Beg, Scream & Shout: The Big Ol' Box Of 60's Soul

"Finland" Monty Python from Monty Python Sings
"Influential You" Negativland from Thigomatic
"Indian Alphabet Chant (A I Iddy I O O O)" Lucia Pamela from Into Outer Space With Lucia Pamela
"Look Youthman" Barrington Levy from Englishman
"Bani" Balla Tounkara & Balla Kouyate from Malifoly

"Catfish Blues" Mississippi Marvel from The World Must Never Know!
"No Mo Whiskey" Smokey Hogg from Change Your Ways
"Love Makes Me Do Foolish Things" Eula Cooper from Eccentric Soul: The Tragar & Note Labels
"Go Vote Nixon-Lodge" Clancy Hayes Dixieland Band from Go Vote Nixon-Lodge
"A Fond Farewell" Wayne Horvitz Gravitas Quartet from One Dance Alone
"Fractious Fingering" Fats Waller from 1936

"Moon's Tune" Moon Mullican from Roots Of Rockabilly Vol. 1 (1950)
"Boo Hoo Hoo" Strapping Fieldhands from Discus
"Basin Dub" 2562 Aerial from Tectonic
"Whistling Rufus" Peerless Orchestra from Whistling Rufus
"The Murder Of The Lawson Family" Carolina Buddies from People Take Warning! Murder Ballads & Disaster Songs 1913 - 1938

August 31, 2008

"I Know You Well (If You Want It Mix)" Shack from Zilch
"Postcards From Tiny Islands" Walkmen from You & Me
"Truck Driver's Blues" Cliff Bruner & His Texas Wanderers from Cliff Bruner & His Texas Wanderers
"Steel Guitar Heaven" Ry Cooder from I, Flathead
"How Can I Miss You?" Monette Moore from Monette Moore Vol. 2 (1924 - 1932)

"Hummingbird" Miss Murgatroid & Petra Haden from Hearts & Daggers
"Koalas" Mitch Hedburg from Strategic Grill Locations
"Make A Better World" Doug Cox & Salil Bhatt from The Future Of The Blues: Vol. 3
"Stimmung: Mode 11" Paul Hillier & Theatre Of Voices from Stockhausen: Stimmung
"Night & Day" Coleman Hawkins from Body & Soul: Original Recordings 1933-1949
"Mr. Judge" E.T. Mensah & Dr. Victor Olaiya from Highlife Souvenir Vol. 1: Highlife Greats Of Africa

"Self Portrait With 'Electric Brain'" Stereolab from Chemical Chords
"Mr. Bill" Grandmaster Caz from You Need Stitches: The Tuff City Sessions 1982-1988
"Something For You Mind" Speedy J from Networks 1 An Intellinet Compilation
"Bar Of Soap" Ramonalisas from Wintersliding
"Picnic" Cineplexx from Picnic

"What Did You Learn In School Today?" Chad Mitchell Trio from Reflecting
"Writer's Minor Holiday" Calexico from Carried To Dust
"The Things That I Used To Do" Guitar Slim from Creole Kings Of New Orleans
"Turn It Off" Caesars from Strawberry Weed
"99" Barbara Feldon from Get Smart OST
"Trust Me, I Am Not A Stalker" Small Cities from The Small Cities EP
"Brave New World" Telefones from Rock-Ola!

"Psalm 23" Prince Far I from Psalms For I
"String Quartet N. 8 In C Minor Op. 110 (Shostakovich)" Quartetto Cassoviae from Dvorak/Haydn/Shostakovich String Quartets
"Impossible" Marie José from 1940
"Lemon Meringue" Band Of The Coldstream Guards from Marche Militaire
"You Gots To Chill" EPMD from Strictly Business

Hey! New "War On Sailing" Radio Time!

2008-08-27T16:29:00.002-06:00

"The War On Sailing" - the radio show - will be airing on 91.7 fm KVRX, the student radio station at the University of Texas, from 5 to 7am on Thursdays during this season. We're excited though of course we've been doing a sub-par job reporting on the War On Sailing. That will hopefully change. We're also in talks with a grumpy podcaster about sharing space with his grumpy podcast. Listen if you can! Keep watching this blog for more information!

A Collection Of War On Sailing Playlists For August

2008-08-25T14:44:00.018-06:00

Your Historian has been remiss in collecting the various "War On Sailing" playlists as the radio show evolves. Please accept my most sincere apologies & enjoy this unbridled collection of shows. A new show time will shortly be announced. Watch this blog.

August 7, 2008:

"Patient Flees" Wire from Object 47
"Bruised Tangerines" Black Hollies from Casting Shadows
"I Hate CDs" Legendary Stardust Cowboy from I Hate CD's: Norton Records 45 RPM Singles Collection Vol. 1
"The Homeless & The Hummingbirds" Alaska In Winter from Dance Party In The Balkans

"Patato Chips" Slim Gaillard from The Chronological Slim Gaillard 1951 -1953
"Dr. Fox PhD" Maynard Ferguson from The One & Only Maynard Ferguson
"Steak" Patton Oswalt from Feelin' Kinda Patton
"Magazine Queen" Computer Vs. Banjo from Computer Vs. Banjo
"Oh Ye Ye" Chrissy Zebby Tembo & Ngozi Family from Love, Peace & Poetry - African Psychedelic Music

"Hitched To The Sun" Mumblers from Thickets & Stitches
"Knocking Down Windows" Mance Lipscombe from Texas Songster
"Boo Hoo" Marvin Rainwater from Whole Lotta Woman
"Batman (The Original Swing)" B.O.S.E. from Batman (The Original Swing)
"Mi Confesion" Gotan Project from Lunatico
"Ex Fan De Sixties" Stereo Total from Casablanca

"He's Gonna Step On You Again" John Kongos from Kongos
"Shakedown" De Novo Dahl from Move Every Muscle, Make Every Sound
"Tuff Life Boogie" The Fall from B Sides 458489
"Dirt Never Burns" Mute Socialite from More Popular Than Presidents & Generals
"Groovy" Charles Brown from 1944-1945

"You're Not My (Myers-Brigg) Type" Mess Up The Mess from You Remind Me Of Summer Vacation
"Brush Up On Your Shakespeare" The Odd Couple from The Odd Couple Sing
"Day Job Fool's Gold" SSION from Sleazetone
"The Model" Nullsleep from 8-Bit Operators Tribute To Kraftwerk
"A Cause Des Garcons (Tepr Remix)" Yelle from Pop Up

"That's Him" Mary Martin from American Songbook Series - Kurt Weill
"Marieke" Jacques Brel from Ne Me Quitte Pas
"A Shot In The Dark" John Zorn & Naked City from Naked City
"Brother Hominy Grit" Lightnin' Rod from Hustlers Convention
"I Am Hip Hop (feat Asheru)" Jazz Liberatorz from Clin d'Oeil
"Can't Go Halfway" Harmonettes from Cult Cargo: Belize City Boil-Up

August 12, 2008

"Where It Ends" Boy in Static from Violet
"1, 2, 3, Go!" Parallelograms from split 7" with the Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
"Filipino Dancehall Girl" Ry Cooder from I, Flathead
"Alone In The Make-Out Room" Broken Family Band from Balls

"Amores Bongos" Herbaliser from Same As it Never Was
"Why Don't You Eat Where You Slept Last Night?" Zuzu Bollin from The Blues Came From Texas
"No Curse No Drunk No Fight" Middle States from Happy Fun Party
"Dr. Seuss's ABC" Jason Alexander from Green Eggs & Ham & Other Servings Of Dr. Seuss
"The Castle" Clinic from Funf
"Baby It's Cold Outside" Hot Lips Page with Pearl Bailey from 1946-1950
"Valentine Waltzes Part 1" George Antheil from Antheil Plays Antheil

"Gone Astray" Percy Mayfield from Down & Out: The Sad Soul Of The Black South
"Soul Of A Convict" Porter Wagoner from Soul Of A Convict
"You Can't Always Get What You Want" Luther Allison from Paint It Blue: Songs Of The Rolling Stones
"In Ecclesiis (by Giovanni Gabrieli)" Gloria Dei Cantores from San Marco 1527 - 1740

"Give Us Bubblewrap" Half Man Half Biscuit from CSI: Ambleside
"Dean Beard" Rock Around The Town from The Best Of Sun Rockabilly Vol. 2
"Kyzyl Gül" Kenjegul Kubatova from Bardic Divas: Women's Voices In Central Asia
"Blue Skies" French Impressionists from A Selection Of Songs
"Sun Holiday" Orwell from Le Genie Humain
"Baseball Bat" Fire Hydrant Man from Good Morning Mr Presley

"Rock Nice" Jewel T from The Best Of B-Boy Records
"Pacific Rhythm" Quiet Village from Silent Movie
"Set Yourself Up" Jah Woosh from Collection 1972-1976
"Have You Got The Love" Mighty Tones Of Joy from I Started Walking 7"
"A Song For Lost Blossoms" Harold Budd & Clive Wright from A Song for Lost Blossoms
"Oh, Deadly Nightshade!" New Bloods from The Secret Life
"Moviedisco" Felix Da Housecat from Virgo Blakto & The Movie Disco
"The L.S. Bumble Bee" Peter Cook & Dudley Moore from The L.S. Bumble Bee
"Alevi Song" Ashiq Faizullah Chinar from The Silk Road: A Musical Caravan

August 19, 2008

"Happiness Is Easy" Talk Talk from The Colour Of Spring
"Search For Nature & Love" Eat Forever from The Land Of Eat Forever
"Ain't She Sweet" Gene Austin from Voice Of The Southland
"Game" The Great Northwest from The Widespread Reign Of The Great Northwest
"Mountain Music" Momus from Folktronic

"Night Time Is The Right Time" Roosevelt Sykes from As Good As It Gets: Country Blues
"Kroost Kids" Kettel from Myam James Part 1
"Fader Party" Majesticon from Ten Years Of Big Dada Recordings
"Nrrrd Grrrl" MC Chris from MC Chris Is Dead
"Salva" Pram from The Moving Frontier

"Radiation Squirm" Judy's from The Wonderful World Of Appliances
"Something New" The Airborne Toxic Event from The Airborne Toxic Event
"I Keep On Drinkin'" Blind Willie McTell from King Of The Georgia Blues
"No No No" Dawn Penn from Studio One Rockers
"Rubber Room" Fred Lane from From The One That Cut You

"Applecider" Clams from Sakura
"The Echo" Young & Sexy from The Ark
"Dooley" Dillards from There Is A Time (1963-1970)
"St. Joseph's" Avett Brothers from The Second Gleam
"The Collected Speeches Of Groucho" Marx Brothers from Original Voice Tracks From Their Greatest Movies

"Kings & Queens" David Ramos from This Up Here
"Mali Bamako" Aurlus Mabele from Stop, Arrêtez!
"One Black Rat" John Dee Holeman from You Got To Lose, You Can't Win All The Time
"That's How You Got Killed Before" Dave Bartholomew from Go Daddy Go - Juke Joint Jive
"Til Your Mainline Comes" Spectrum Meets Captain Memphis from Indian Giver
"As Time Goes By" Dooley Wilson from The Very Best Of The 40's Vol. 2
"When I'm Gone" Wayland Seals & The Oil Patch Boys from When I'm Gone 7"

"Coolin' In Cali" 7A3 from Coolin' In Cali
"Point Blanc (Remix)" Keith Leblanc from Serenity Dub 1.1 am

August 22, 20088

"Drummer Man" The Brady Bunch from The Kids From The Brady Bunch
"I Write The Songs" Me First & The Gimmie Gimmies from Have Another Ball
"Let's Think About Living" Bob Luman from Classic Country: The Golden 60's
"Harper Road" Sun Kil Moon from April
"Red Hot" Billy 'The Kid' Emerson from The Sun Records Collection

"Lokadu Augumum" Olafur Arnolds from Variations Of Static
"Kazooed On Classics" Temple City Kazoo Orchestra from The Rhino Brothers Present The World's Worst Records!
"Richard Nixon Died Today" Negativland from Thigomatic
"Olli Red Sox" David Cross from Comedy Death Ray
"Whistle" Todd Sickafoose from Tiny Resistors
"Lonely Woman" Ornette Coleman from The Shape Of Jazz To Come

"126TINK" K Rad from Deli Mood Spot
"Ghetto Dub" King Tubby from King Tubby's Meets Scientist At Dub Station
"Bug-A-Boo" Ed O.G. & Da Bulldogs from Life Of A Kid In The Ghetto
"Red Car" Trees from Sleep Convention

"You Can Call Me By My Name" Colourmusic from F, Monday, Orange, February, Venus, Lunatic, 1 Or 13
"Earthquake Shake" Skunks from Can't Get Loose
"The Prisoner" The Duchess & The Duke from She's The Duchess, He's The Duke
"Candy Man Blues" Mississippi John Hurt from Avalon Blues: The Complete 1928 Okeh Recordings
"Dedication To Pete Johnson" Memphis Slim from Classic Piano Blues
"Red Eyed & Rowdy" Jim Reeves from The Best Of Jim Reeves

"El Pescador" Ocote Soul Sounds from The Alchemist Manifesto
"Jail Bait" Andre Williams from Movin' On - Greasy & Explicit Soul Movers (1956 - 1970)
"Didn't Leave Nobody But The Baby" Jessica Lurie from Licorice & Smoke
"Isotope" Joe Henderson from Power To The People

"Beef" Boogie Down Productions from Edutainment
"Paper Cut" Mr Mendez & Element from AK1200 - Lock & Roll - A Drum & Bass Mix

Camera Eyeball

2008-08-12T11:58:00.003-06:00

After reading a recent post about the failed short story writer & moderately unsuccessful documentary filmmaker, Savage H. Puncture, the editors of Get Ye Gone! magazine forwarded the following interview excerpt with the man, which was to be published in their tenth issue, although they had only been able to afford to publish two. Get Ye Gone! magazine is now only available at the editors' commune outside Edmunton, Alberta, & you can't take it out of their library. Not even with a card.

Introduction: Savage H. Puncture of Oxnard, California, smells of diesel & fish. His hands are covered with notes he has written to himself &, on his left thumb, to his ex-wife Marie, who still owes him money. He's a nervous sort who slurps loudly from a giant-sized Big Gulp & who claims to be "scratching his teeth" while he swallows small handfuls of cake sprinkles. We spoke to him on the front doorstep of his West Philadelphia apartment, which he had locked himself out of, as he waited for a locksmiths or something to come by.

Get Ye Gone: Mr. Puncture, you're not known for being a friendly man.
Savage H. Puncture: Come over here & say that!
GYG: You are a prolific writer but not a profitable one. You once joked that you had written more books than you ever sold.
SHP: Than were in print.
GYG: Excuse me?
SHP: You got the joke wrong. It's "I've written more books than are in print."
GYG: Is that possible?
SHP: What, that you got the joke wrong or that I've written more books than are in print?
GYG: Either.
SHP: Well, you didn't the joke.
GYG: Shouldn't a joke have a punch line?
SHP: I'll show you a punch line.
GYG: You have another book of short stories coming out, is that correct?
SHP: Indeed, in September from the Atkins Diet Press.
GYG: At what stage in your writing career do you think you're currently at?
SHP: You did that thing there, with the prepositions.
GYG: I beg your pardon?
SHP: You had the whaddayacall redundant prepositions. "At which stage are you at." That's what you said.
GYG: Do machines pray?
SHP: What the hell sort of question is that?
GYG: It seems to me that, as humans, we imbue our creations - art, poetry, music, movies - with feeling & that's what makes them alive to us. Is we create machines, do we not imbue them with soul too?
SHP: You remind me of this fruitcake I used to see down at Raymond's on karaoke night. He was always going on about shit like, do flowers give a damn? can you breathe in heaven? will you blow me for a fin?
GYG: What was that last one?
SHP: Drunks ain't proud.
GYG: Should a writer sleep more or less than a non-writer?
SHP: More. Sleeps helps with the hangover.
GYG: Unlike mainly authors who haven't really been published, you've stayed unmarried. As well, romance plays a very small part in your body of work. Why is that?
SHP: I have very dry skin.
GYG: I don't understand.
SHP: Let's move on.
GYG: Okay. Your recent novel Bernard Sprains His Groin was optioned for a movie starring Keanu Reeves. Though it seems to have been delayed for now, you've been vocal in your opposition to the movie. Is it because of Keanu Reeves?
SHP: Ah hell no. It's because of who they cast to play the groin.
GYG: Who's that?
SHP: Scott Baio.
GYG: Ouch.
SHP: I know!
GYG: Before we go, do you have any words to say to aspiring writers out there?
SHP: Yeah. Don't write for fanzines or small newspapers. People who write for those things are trapped their for life.
GYG: Thank you, Mr. Puncture.
SHP: Thank you, Mr. Pedophile.

The War On Sailing August 5, 2008: Getting To Third Base

2008-08-07T15:33:00.004-06:00

A third show was witnessed by three lonesome squirrels & a weak hurricane.

"The Struggle" The Dead Texan from The Dead Texan
"It Ain't Easy" Robert Forster from The Evangelist
"I Know What It Is To Be Young (But You Don't Know What It Is To Be Old)" Orson Welles with the Ray Charles Singers from I Know What It Is To Be Young (But You Don't Know What It Is To Be Old)

"Extra Sharp Pencils" Negativland from Thigomatic
"Hide From The Cold" Jane Bradfords from The Jane Bradfords
"Break On Through" Marc Ribot's Ceramic Dog from Party Intellectuals
"Elysian" Zool. from Vadem
Kensington" Azeda Booth from In Flesh Tones

"Pack Fair & Square" Big Walter & His Thunderbirds from Texas Music, Vol. 1: Postwar Blues Combos
"The Master's Bedroom Is Worth Spending A Night In" Thee Oh Sees from The Master's Bedroom Is Worth Spending A Night In
"The Old Man's Back Again (Dedicated To The Neo Stalinist Regime)" Scott Walker from Scott 4
"Full On" Jah Wobble & Evan Parker from Passage To Hades

"Don't Look At Me That Way" Jeri Southern from Meets Cole Porter
"Arabian Fantasy" Lenny Breau from The Hallmark Sessions
"Poor Little Thing Cried Mammy" Three Georgia Crackers from The Story That the Crow Told Me, Vol. 1: Early American Rural Children's Songs Classics
"Boogie In The Park" Joe Hill Louis from Sun Spots, Vol. 1
"I Choose You" James Pants from Welcome
"On The Cut" Bomb The Bass from Into The Dragon
"Bird In Hand" Lee Scratch Perry from Return Of The Super Ape

"Lawyer Houston Dallas Bebop Blues from Atlantic Blues 1949 - 1943
"Yellow Dog Blues" Katherine Handy & James P Johnson from Classic Piano Blues
"The John Deere Tractor Song" Don Walser from Dare To Dream
"My Revenge" Julie Ocean Long Gone and Nearly There from Transit Of Venus
"Unsafe At Any Speed" Bubblegum Lemonade from Ten Years Younger
"Senja" White Shoes & The Couples Company from White Shoes & The Couples Company

"Skinhead & The Hippie" Peter Wyngarde from When Sex Leers Its Inquisitive Head
"Dastgah Of Chahrgah" Dastgah Systems from Classical Music Of Iran

Listen on Tuesdays at 5pm only on kvrx.org! It's the only place where the massaged truth is achy!

A Life Bereft Of Croutons

2008-08-04T14:19:00.003-06:00

Catapult! said the mizzenmast. Crouton! said the sailor salad! It's Fourteen Buffet Days again in downtown Akron!

All the televisions are left on fire for the clearance sale, & former Olympic bronze medal winners play erstwhile superstars on gigantic heterosexual parade floats, masking their musk by wearing magical cologne to keep the locals' loins itchy & raw. The crowd is not what it used to be but weighs nearly twice as much as it ever did, & fried things are offered at ridiculous prices to those who don't yet have something in their hands nor a prescription drug habit. Someone feels unexplainably sad until the Fire Marshall accidentally shoots a stray dog with a stray bullet.

Later, over a shrimp cocktail & a highball, Mayor Wilt Chamberlain (no relation) weeps into his hands when he is informed of yet another government subsidy going to nearby Youngstown. He whispers into his iPhone & rattles off a rhyming response to Youngstown Mayor Larry Bird (no relation either) which manages to insult not only his parents & children, but also an ancestor that Chamberlain read about who enjoyed finger-fucking the Ohio state animal, the White-Tailed Deer. He seems satisfied, although later in the night a sheriff from Youngstown named Kobe Bryant (unbelievably, no relation), claiming to be acting alone, shits on Mayor Chamberlain's front porch, puts a bag over the Mayor's head, & sets him & the house on fire.

Shaquille O'Neal (no relation - you know), a cub reporter at the Akron Daily Bells & Whistles, leaves the Akron Zoo, where he had been writing his weekly piece about Mama Bear & her children, at the behest of his editor, who also has the name of a famous basketball star but I am tired of writing "no relation" so I won't bother telling you. The editor gets O'Neal into an interview room with Bryant, but accidentally shoots him with a tranquilizer dart when Bryant notices that O'Neal is packing, & tried to show him how to properly clean his gun. Bryant, unfortunately, is allergic to the tranquilizer, which is part codeine & part Seven-Up, & dies in O'Neal's arms in a kind of "Pieta" pose that O'Neal remembers whenever he can't maintain an erection.

Word reaches Cleveland as the Fourteen Buffet Days come to an end, so the crack reporting squad from the Plains Dealer decide instead to drive over to Chicago for a girlie show & prostitution in the naughty part of town. What they could have discovered if they had instead just driven once around Akron, which has some passable strippers if you don't look at the deep unhappiness in their eyes! We're talking corruption in some of the middest of levels! We're talking the manufacture of pre-packaged faith for consumer gnawing of a flavor nearly as bitter & despairing as that a few miles over in New York City! We're talking people still wearing slacks to bowling nights!

Do not blame young reporter O'Neal. The first visit from the authorities scared him, but when he was warned by the fellow at the 7-11 who had never spoken a word to him before in English, he knew there was a conspiracy & that his name had been added to a list of "fuck you" by people who have a moderate amount of power but almost no sense of humor. (He knew, as we all do, that they think pain is funny, but that's about it.) So he returned to the bear beat. But he did write an email to a stand-up comedian who taught improv to people who head injuries in Canton, in which he mentioned something about the day's events in passing, & the comedian promptly received a head injury of his own. O'Neal got the message, & allowed Mama Bear to maul him two days later.

Parades appear something like panacea to the people of mid- to small-town America, & so they're planned to the last detail, much like carnivals, to appear amateurish, shabby, & tedious. That they sometimes turn deadly should not be surprising. That no independent Parade Movement hasn't appeared to confront & contrast despicable events like the Fourteen Days Buffet is also not surprising. Nothing should surprise you. That's how they win.

The War On Sailing July 29, 2008: The Second Of Shows

2008-07-31T10:51:00.006-06:00

The War On Sailing lived through a second radio show, which is more than I can say for Air America. If you heard, or if you didn't hear, here's what was or was not heard:

"Use It Before You Lose It" Bobby Valentin from Explosivos (Deep-Soul From The Latin Heart)
"I Heart Rainbows" Twink from A Very Fine Adventure
"Bikini Girls With Machine Guns" Cramps from Stay Sick!
"Nobu Take" Colin Stetson from Warfare: Volume 1

"A Dog Like You" Misty's Big Adventure from Misty's Big Adventure & Their Place In The Solar Hi-Fi System
"From Seas" Bridal Shop from From Seas
"Hug Me! Kiss Me! Love Me!" Helen Kane from Boop-Boop-A-Doop
"The Paisley Window Pane" Wendy & Bonnie from Sundazed
"Superboy & Supergirl" Tullycraft from The Singles
"Invisible Man" Adem from Takes

"Breakfast Feud" Charlie Christian (Benny Goodman Sextet) from The Genius Of The Electric Guitar
"Hurtin' House" Esther Phillips from What A Diff'rence A Day Makes
"The Weasel Pops Off" Les Elgart from Sophisticated Swing
"The Creep" Jay Epae from Wild Things Vol. 2 - Wyld Kiwi Garage 1966 - 1969
"Restless Legs" Half Man Half Biscuit from Achtung Bono
"I Gotta Plan (For Saturday Night)" Deadly Snakes from Love Undone

"Summer Is Almost Here" Pas/Cal from I Was Raised On Matthew Mark Luke & Laura
"Baral Orgen 2" Frog Pocket from Gonglot
"The New Soma" Sound Tribe Sector 9 from Peaceblaster
"Cold Cuts" Kool G Rap & DJ Polo from Road To The Riches

"Narcolepsy" Luxuriator from Luxuriator
"Jumbler" Tilly & The Wall from O
"Onomatopeia" Fishboy from Zipbangboom
"At The Feast" Congos from The Heart Of The Congos
"Hot Buns" Willy Baby from ll Night Soul Stomp! Dancefloor Boogaloo Romp!

"Spook" Sun Girl Girls from Mister Lonely OST
"The Conqueror Worm" Ken Nordine from Closed On Account Of Rabies: Tales Of Edgar Allan Poe
"Monkeyland (Live In Bremen, 1983)" Chameleons from Script Of The Bridge (25th Anniversary Edition)

"Socopogogo (YMCK Version)" YMCK from Family Music
"Ram-Pam-Pam" Josephine Baker from Exotique

These shows are generally not fit for public consumptiveness, but every effort is made to pipe them in to Guantanamo Bay & other torture sites in the world. Until then, tune into kvrx.org Tuesdays at 5pm CST to hear the show as it is live, though not lively.

The War On Sailing July 22. 2008: A First Show!

2008-07-23T13:20:00.004-06:00

Here is what happened in musical terms on the first "War On Sailing" radio show. No ideas were harmed in the making of this program.

"Trip To Rio" Cubismo Grafico from Tout!
"The Richest Kids In Town" This is Ivy League from This is Ivy League
"Luck Of Love" Bicycles from The Good The Bad & The Cuddly
"Boom Sha-Ka-La" Hopeton Lewis from Gay Jamaican Independence Time

"What Did The Purple Dog Say" Death Killers from The Death Killers
"Lumberjack" Wighead from Lumberjack
"I'm The One" Ugly Beats from Bring On The Beats!
"Don't Take Me Home Until I'm Drunk" Wedding Present from El Rey
"Ain't No Justice" Shorty Long from Essential Collection
"Levee Camp Moan Blues" Texas Alexader from Vol. 1 1927-1928
"Just Whaling" Louis Myers from Booze, Blues, Harps & Guitars

"Golden Years" Susumu Yokota from Life Beyond Mars: Bowie Covered
"GI Blues" Sasaki Isao from GI Blues
"Guilt" Long Blondes from Couples
"Honky Tonk Train" Quire from Quire

"Thou Swell" Margaret Whiting from Isn't It Romantic: Capitol Sings Rodgers & Hart
"I Got The Whiskey" Red Clay Ramblers from The Red Clay Ramblers
"Doris" Shellac from Uranus
"Boll Weevil" Carl Sandburg from The Great Carl Sandburg: Songs Of America
"Shimmy She Wobble" Napolean Strickland from Mississippi Delta Blues Jam In Memphis Vol. 1
"Flying Home" Illinois Jacquet (with the Lionel Hampton Orchestra) from Swing Era: His Best Recordings

"Mahogany" Me First & The Gimme Gimmes from Have Another Ball
"Perfectly" Foxymorons from Calcutta
"This Is Not A Photograph" Mission Of Burma from The Definitive Editions
"Oz On 45" Squirrels from Scrapin' For Hits
"I Wanna Be A Girl" King Khan & The Shrines from The Supreme Genius Of King Khan & The Shrines

"A Cock-Eyed Optimist" Johnny Mathis from Rhythms Of Broadway
"Words To My Song" Dry Bread from Numero Group
"The Showstarter" Fakts One (feat The Perceptionists) from Long Range
"Love The Dread" Mikey Dread from Dread At The Controls
"Pagina Dos" Prefuse 73 from Reads The Books

"39 De Fievre" Marie-France from 39 Degrees De Fievre
"The Game" Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan from Mustt Mustt

We are currently working on a way to share these shows with you outside of the regular time. Stay tuned, & visit us next Tuesday at 5pm CST at kvrx.org!

The Goodest Of News!

2008-07-21T13:51:00.003-06:00

Hello friends.

As you know, the World of Scholarship has long ignored the War On Sailing, as is their wont; & the World of Ideas has chosen to circle its wagons around what might best be called "agreed-upon rules of public discourse"; & the Popular Culture has let itself be overfed & stroked gently like a dying wildcat rather than hear Truth which may compete with its attention span like summer movie blockbusters; & the Unpopular Culture thinks we can't help them get laid. Which may well be true.

But of all these surely our worst enemy has always been "the Media." The fourth estate, the guardians of democracy, the hen in the cathouse, the bloody turd in the stool sample, the fat people with the buck teeth than cry all the time - the Media has been called these things & more. A whole lot more, actually. We could publish pages. Anyway, we've never attempted to explicate the War On Sailing using any print or broadcast media (present company excluded, because, you know, it's a blog) because the War On Sailing has, at many times, been fought primarily with the Media. Perhaps we were too afraid to become part of the wrong side. Perhaps we were unsure about our incorruptibility. Perhaps we just couldn't get the smell of the rotting corpse of Tim Russert out of our minds. No matter! All has changed!

That's right - premiering tomorrow on Austin radio station KVRX, at 5pm, we present the radio version of this blog, called simply The War On Sailing. The counter-counter-revolution begins here! Or there! Here & also there! & it might just be a simple counter-revolution. I missed an issue of TV Guide & am currently unsure which network is in charge of the Iraq War. My apologies.

The show will feature words & music & therefore there'll be playlist soon posted to this blog. I will also attempt to make the shows available to people who can't listen precisely at that time. Stay tuned! There will soon be a day when all the world knows about the War On Sailing!

Coming To A Recycle Bin Near You

2008-07-15T16:05:00.002-06:00

In Retrospect, Connecticut, the organization United Against Douchebaggery (called NAD for some convoluted reason) meets in early July to choose which Christians it will persecute in the coming year. Chairperson Howard Guise explains to reporters that his organization's interest in the persecution of Christians has nothing to do with any philosophy, doctrinal differences, or anything about the religion per se; he just thinks Christians are douchebags.

One of the local reporters, Ted Hankie of the Miniscule, Connecticut, Weekly Evening Ledger, points out that he's known a lot of Jewish people who were total douchebags, & a few of these Muslims he had to interview one time were exemplary in their douchebaggery, & most certainly the entire chapter of the Teabag, Massachusetts, Secular Humanism Society were such douchebags that they were almost dickheads. Why single out Christians, is his pointed question.

Howard Guise acknowledges that fact - he even points out that he himself can be a total grade-A douche when he hasn't had his morning coffee (for example) or when he is grumpy at long NAD meetings. But, he says to the local group, the other groups - muslims, jews, Monty Python fans - they have a history of persecution for just being who they are. Their persecutors didn't bother to get to know them, just beat them up or relocated or killed them because they happened to be born into some religious faith or whatever. Certainly in a case like this, the persecutors couldn't have known whether their victims were douchebags or not. There is therefore a great chance a lot of cool motherfuckers were hurt or murdered needlessly.

But Christians! says Guise. Jesus, to listen to them you'd think they were the most oppressed group in the universe! Instead, of course, they pretty much run everything in America, with politicians lining up to plant loving kisses on their (mostly) pale white asses. All the time, though, they complain. They whine. If someone who so much as looked like a buddhist got interviewed on television, they'd rip open their bibles to find proof the world was ending & they'd soon have to carpool to work with someone of a different denomination. In short, Guise concludes, they're consummate douchebags.

Surely, though, Hankie has to ask, not all Christians!

Of course not, replies Guise. That's why we meet. To decide which ones were particularly douchebaggish this year. Then we send out our crack squad of persecutors to make their lives a living hell.

Another reporter, Marjory Boulder of the MUFON Mutual News (she accidentally came to the wrong event), asks whether or not the people are alerted about their persecution.

Where's the fun in that, chortles Guise, to much laughter from the assembled press corps. No, no, he says, wiping tears from his eyes, we publish a list in the New York Times. Of course, most of the Christians we choose to persecute not only don't read the Times, the majority of them can't read.

Soon, the hall is filled with NAD members, some of whom haven't seen the others since the event last July. Many books & documents are brought in, noted by some of the press: a copy of the Montgomery, Alabama, white pages; a bound collection called Who's Who In The G W Bush Administration, rosters of Young Conservative groups from several Texas colleges. The process is only for the group, & it takes a while, so the press corps chats with themselves, gets bored, then wanders home.

But for the members of NAD the night is young & the work has just begun!

A Tribute To Horse

2008-06-30T11:25:00.002-06:00

In the majesty of what is rightfully called "that mountain range in Iran," the Alborz hides many secrets for the secret-hunting secret-gatherer. One feels humble, grateful, servile in this strange world of mountains in Iran. I mean, who knew there were mountains in Iran? You could've knocked me over with a feather. Next thing you know there's going to be telling me they get winter weather in Australia!

An hour or so drive from Tehran leads you to Shemshak, a humorously named ski resort where Gentle Face wears his mask of shame. The undisputed master of a dying Persian martial art, Gentle Face has undisputed strength (as far as I know), but has never been known to kill anyone. Not knowingly, with malice aforethought. He has been known to kill a fifth of bourbon on an occasion, but is that a crime? I think not!

In the dizzying heights of the Alborz, you feel willing, like a child, & innocent, like an angel, & you start to imagine that you, too, came from this wilderness. What you're feeling actually is something called hypoxia, & it happens sometimes where the air is thinner. Just rest a bit. Have a drink of water. That's it. Feel better? Good.

Life for Gentle Face has been hard, though he never showed anything but the purest love. He would not say, though it is true, that selfish people, people on antidepressants & mood-enhancing drugs, spoiled his purity with their fucked-up priorities. He does not complain & he will not cry. Not Gentle Face! He ambles slowly on his one good toe to the shack behind the goggle rental stand & warms himself on a stick of incense - truly, all he can afford. He's been whipped, kicked, hounded - although they used poodles since the hounds were sleeping. They say you can see fear in his eyes, though not tears. Never tears!

Gentle Face's unbroken spirit - or his bizarre stubbornness - has made him the perfect foil for competing political interests in that volatile region. He started out as the Shah's butt-boy. Then, when the dust settled, it turned out he was the Ayatollah's catamite. A revolution later, he found himself as Ahmadinejad's "gentleman friend." More recently, with possible invasion looming, he's found himself the homosexual lover of George W Bush. & in all this time, was Gentle Face ever a pitcher? No! No! He's always been a catcher!

Taken for granted, living a simple, intricate life, giving of himself yet asking for nothing, Gentle Face disappeared this past week from the small shack in which he lived. Is he alive or dead? Has he betrayed both his masters & fled to another? Did he just pop out to the store & is foolishly waiting in the longest line? No one knows. & boy are both the Iranis & the Americans pissed off!

Gentle Face did not write anything down - what is important, he would say, is transient, &, as if to make a point, he'd urinate some important thought in the snow. But he did leave a rich tradition of anecdotes from those who knew him. He also left nearly every bowel movement he made in his adult life, in small boxes, lined with ineffectual scented tissues, buried behind his hovel. Strangely enough, no one has claimed them. (I also note that I said "nearly every" bowel movement; he did not save them all! He only saved the ones he thought were perfect. & he had mostly perfect shits.)

Gentle Face sightings have begun, but I believe that, though he's still alive, he's fallen & he can't get up, so he'll wait patiently for someone to help him up. & then he'll move on. I think his time has passed, & he's now looking for that thing we look for our entire lives: some peace & quiet before we die. Or maybe just a small pub with cheap beer & cheese fries. One of the two, anyway.

I Can't Wait For The New X-Files Comedy

2008-06-27T13:18:00.002-06:00

In light of shocking reports about the Queen of Sheba & her pet goat Sofie, the Song Of Solomon Kaffeeklatsch wrote the following report to be read at the 10th anniversary meeting of the Free Bigfoot Now! Society. Installments have been parsed for congratulation. Read & learn:

Sisters, we bring to you sad news from the Homely Land: Capture The Flag is no longer offered as an elective at UC-Irvine. This comes mostly as a sadness for the happy people gathered in gaiters by the gates of Golgotha tonight. If it's a Leonard Cohen song you hear, it's most likely not one of the one happy one he wrote. & that one is only happy if you're in a weird mood. Otherwise, you know, it's kinda blue.

Sisters, bookends being heavier than the books themselves, we step to the catalfalque & say to those taking umbrage, we say, "Stop taking all the umbrage!" Inside the coffin is ourselves, dead & dying, killed by a cancerous capitalistic culture which chomped cookies without care, which was conceived in catastrophe coldly like a chafing child, which constructed cataclysmic cast-iron cauldrons to cook cracked crabs for convenience for carnivores. I am out of alliteration, so shall have carry on with only assonance which, as my mother used to tell me, was better than no ass at all.

Sisters! Do you really need us to write your fan fiction? Do you imagine we'll have time to animate your blooper reel? Get real! That is the problem with this generation & the next: we populate our web pages, but do we really have free hours in our long day to airbrush the semen off the lips of Lindsay Lohan? This is why it seems like there's an extra arm in the picture, sisters - better that than foul truth in advertising, you know what I'm saying, can I get a good god damn, high five?!?

Sisters, we are not famous, nor well-known, nor well-bred, nor talented, nor skinny. But we are also not cowards! How many of you have single- or double-handedly dented an SUV in loving memory of 9/11? How many of you, present company excluded, have pulled out the heart of a hedge-fund manager & made him eat it with his Taco Bell nachos? Didn't we tell you he would like it? Wasn't that just too fucking freaky? & how many of you have said at long last, "No! No! Maybe!" to the universe that fails like every new television schedule in October? Why must I ask you? When will you learn?

Sisters, you can sigh, "Am I wrong?" You can holler back at us, "You've got what looks like arugula in your teeth!" You can tell your next-door neighbor "We're trying bondage now!" But what does it really accomplish other than simple communication? How much more mail must pass between this billing cycle & the next Netflix before we say "No! Unh-uh! No way!"? Is the answer three? Because last month we figured out it was four.

Now you know! At this point let's us empty the baggies & refill them with our own shame. We live in sweet surrender, sisters, with the frangipani dulling the deathly smell of the jacaranda, timeless but fated to kill us all, wet, wild, meek, mild, set, unique. In forty-two flavors not counting flavorless. Because lack of flavor is not a flavor, as silence is not a sound.

Sisters! We have cashews on the buffet tonight! Go nuts!

(This presentation was edited for all intents & purposes. A full transcript & video presentation will show up on C-Span as soon as you've forgotten all about it.)

Analyzed & Filed: Humorous Pantries

2008-05-30T10:17:00.004-06:00

There are travels & there are journeys. There are trips, sojourns, visits, vacations. There are expeditions, odysseys, peregrinations. One walks, drives, flies, perambulates, is carried, crawls, slides, falls. One packs bags, gets travelers' checks, dresses for the weather, renews a passport, waits in line, waits for vehicles, arrives early, arrives late, doesn't arrive at all, loses luggage, finds luggage, stows away in the luggage compartment. The point is, there are travels. & there are journeys.

It was expensive to own horses in the olden days, so forget about having a segue. Modern humans have no idea really what a chore travel was even as recent as a few days ago. Decades I mean. Months, years. Centuries. The point is, you hardly ever went very far. Unless you joined the army, or were kidnapped by mythical bird-creatures called "Rocs." Otherwise, you slept in the same corner of your hovel until death took into its cold, comfortable arms at the ripe age of too fucking young. & that was as recent as days ago!

When the government invented teleportation, it was deemed too fun & too prohibitively costly for anyone except the most expensive leaders to use. This included, at the time, Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser & Warren Beatty, recognized at the time as King Of Hollywood. Alas, teleportation technology was abandoned in the 1980s because Nancy Reagan's astrologer Joan Quigley said so. Only during the Clinton/Blair years was sufficient scientific funding made available, & although no records have ever been kept, the strange reports of Bill Clinton appearing nearly simultaneously at seventeen different barbecue restaurants in six different southern states during one summer day in 1995 cannot be explained in any other way. (To the naysayers: Clinton Cloning was not developed until 1997.)

Will teleportation be the death of travel, or will it enhance the amount of time we stay at different locations? The pundits can't really decide - they're too freaked out by the newest fad in pop science: karaoke cholesterol. For years the people of the world has asked, "Why can't the food we eat sing?" (By which they meant, of course, "after we killed it," as the Edible Songbird Industry remains in existence despite everyone's clear desire that they just go the fuck away.) (That goes for the assholes who eat the songbirds too.) (Let's just call a blanket fuck you over the who motherfucking factory farm industry & get back to the point at hand.) I said people were asking "Why can't the food we eat sing?" Researchers at Brownnose University have come up with something almost as good - food that hums. You can sing along with your meal!

Granted, for now the humming lipid molecules only know the tune to "I Will Always Love You," but remember, the first atomic bomb only killed thousands. Think of what a few government grants & a couple of visits from Jeff Goldblum would do!

We've moved a long way from traveling but there are other kinds of travels which includes digestion. If you squint your eyes & pretend that it's important to you. Therefore, friends, as we near the middle of the beginning of the post-oil era, I shake out my solar-powered candle & bid you a fond how-do-you-do. The ladies may come this way, the gentlemen may keep their seats.

Embedded In Video, Written In Smoke

2008-05-09T09:32:00.003-06:00

[Excerpted from a lecture by Dr. Cornelius Smelly of the University of South Korea West]

We live today in trying me times. For example, YouTube, the online reservation for video encoded & video streamed. Let us look at several examples of YouTube videos which have recently be highly rated for the entire family.

[Dr Smelly is unable to get his computer to work. A student comes to help, but is beaten away by the coachwhip Dr Smelly carries with him to protect him from undergraduates. A tech person lures Dr Smelly away with a cup of hot saltines, & is able to turn the computer on before Dr Smelly begins to describe the videos to the students.]

Yes. Well. Good. Shall we begin? Here is a cute video of a bear mauling a United States Park Service intern. The bear, as you can see, is well-fed on Funyuns - those snacks that look like onion rings & have a vaguely oniony flavor - have you had them, they're awful - the bear has had them & also an entire three liter serving of Diet A&W Tabasco Cherry Root Beer. The message seems to be that this is not "when animals attack" but simple dyspepsia. Amusing. Next slide.

Did I say "slide"? I meant video. I apologize, I get the vapors from too much mimeographing in the early morning hours.

This is a famous viral video of a vile bureaucrat weeping to a Flux News anchor about how mistreated he feels his President to be. Too much mascara, not enough pathos, you say? Good on you! This is in fact not a bureaucrat but a paid Rotarian in cahoots with the herbicide lobby. A brief examination of the Capitol Building's Men's Room on the third floor at around 2:15 (an hour before the vote on the new Foreignness Bill) would have alerted the media to this shady backroom maneuvering; instead, this became the darling of the late-night & early-morning news cycles. Next slider.

Ah! You'll recognize this! A young man at a political rally berates a former vice-presidential press secretary & is beaten senseless by the gendarmes in front of a student body that must be told when & how to breathe. Serves him right. Serves them right. Next side.

Truly a remarkable piece of reverse propaganda, this is not so much a video as a movie trailer of a video which is currently in production limbo. The film purports to prove that science is run by religious Eskimos who want us all to believe that a "theory" is a "fact" when & only when someone disagrees with it. Please note, that phrase, despite what its advocates say, is not in the Bible nor in the United States Constitution. It is in the non-binding treaty William McKinley signed with the Washington, DC, Boys Of The Cloth Brigade in 1901, but it was written in the margins by McKinley while his shoes were being shined. So it's irrelevant to anyone but sexually abused Catholic boys in the first part of the twentieth century. Do we have any here today? Fine, fine. Next sideline.

Ah! Finally! The truth in its most varnished form! While most scholars agree that the Zapruder film is the most hilarious homemade recording of a famous assassination, this video, purportedly from the near future, features the two presidential candidates of the last American election ever, in 2020, being strangled & choked by a bored electorate burning & dying in the ozone-free air. Many dispute its authenticity, noting that the video features a young William Shatner, but many point to that to prove its authenticity. What's that? You've never seen this one? Ah, well. You will. You will.

Close your books. Put down your pencils. Your test is over.

Careful! The Guests Are Loaded!

2008-04-22T18:21:00.005-06:00

No one really ever talks about Johannesburg - no one but me of course. I call it "The Monte Carlo of the Southern Hemisphere." & hardly am I ever wrong. No, from the ten million trees planted by human hands to the ten million beads of sweat that pour off the backs of the slave workers in the gold, coal & gelatin mines, there's an allure to Johannesburg that overtakes & astonishes even the most naive of war criminals.

But travel up the N1 (don't stop at Pretoria! the people there are assholes!) & find your way to Warm Baths & you'll discover the heights & depths of depravity that is "down time" for the financiers & substitute teachers who plan, execute & recklessly carry out the War On Sailing.

Oh, you think I kid? But, you say, what happened to the Den Of Iniquity that was New Orleans? Someone got tired of it! What about, you say, the Firecracker Brothels of Shanghai? Can't you see it's too risky to be there now? Oh come on, you say, what about the Heat Fields Of Romania? Well, they're still there, & a paper on that very subject will shortly be published in the July, 2008, issue of Ceramics Quarterly. You need to observe of the utter moral sense - & the lack thereof - these secretive cabalists truly have. Two examples:

- Sex With Food.

When you can destroy lives with a small notation in a memo sent by a PDA, what fun is it to beat up prostitutes or kidnapped Moldavan teenagers? How can you possibly top the amount of control one of these sadists has over pretty much everyone on the planet? Easy. Have sex with all kinds of food. This has become even more fun with a World Food Crisis looming. For a seventy-year-old Swiss Banker with the blood of a teenager from Plano, Texas, & all new organs courtesy of the "accidental" death in a junior high hockey game in Edmonton, spending carnal hours with bags of rice that could save a Somalian village from starvation is the ultimate high.

If you are in Warm Baths, please avoid any hotel room that promises "Sensual Buffet." You have been warned.

- Protest Singing

These industrialists & photojournalists love their irony & so they organize large "festivals," inviting big names - you know who, & so do they - to come sing songs about them. If the hateful edibles sex is sadism, this is their masochism. "Ooo, tell us how awful we are! Tell us how you oppress people! Tell us how we're ruining the world!" The stooges in the Consolidated Music Industry are more than happy to comply. It's frankly nauseating.

But don't take my word for it. Spread the rumor & see what happens to it! Because that is more than enough proof.

The Other Other Bush Brother

2008-04-17T15:00:00.009-06:00

Now that attention is got, face facts to other options in recent American "war" excursion. Proceed with interview translated from Gromsch with famous American brother of Bush the Younger. Go!

INTERVIEWS: You are famous brother of American king yes?
BUSH BROTHER: This is not true. I am pawn for American military might in Northern California & surrounding areas.
INTERVIEWS: This is not true! Your resemblance is uncanny!
BUSH BROTHER: I get this, yes, & many drinks to be bought for me by ex-military people in Southern United States.
INTERVIEWS: They perhaps think of "The Prince & The Pooper"!
BUSH BROTHER: They are not very smart I believe.
INTERVIEWS: This is very true. Since you are not famous American king brother, can you tell us what plans are for colonization of Islamic world?
BUSH BROTHER: Truly. Since too many of the Americans reproduce in kind, more fertile land will be needed for rapid expansion. This is the curse of the west!
INTERVIEWS: I have heard of this!
BUSH BROTHER: Truly. When magnificent sons of Mohammad fall, blood waters desert to make poisonous land good only for rats & corporations.
INTERVIEWS: A very insidious plan! Is current war in Islamic world phase one of plan or no?
BUSH BROTHER: No! Is final throes!
INTERVIEWS: Please explain.
BUSH BROTHER: Plan began even before the birth of famous Ottoman Empire. Have you heard of the Crusaders?
INTERVIEWS: Ah! Fundamental Christians at Renaissance Faire!
BUSH BROTHER: Truly. Well, when catastrophic world climate change is mixed bag with fear of new change, Crusaders color in portions of their Bible to justify witchcraft.
INTERVIEWS: It is all so clear to me now.
BUSH BROTHER: Let me finish.
INTERVIEWS: So sorry to interrupt.
BUSH BROTHER: In Satanic world to follow, a hell army of Labrador Retrievers feasting on only holy infidel flesh prowls the perimeter when Hollywood expands to grow. Soon every camera catches every tear that fall from eye, & every night a new desecration from misfit occupation.
INTERVIEWS: What is there to do?
BUSH BROTHER: Enjoy! Or, if you are not evil Bush look-a-like, run away to fight another day!
INTERVIEWS: You have been most enlightened.
BUSH BROTHER: I thank you & also the CIA have given us a check for our services.
INTERVIEWS: Aren't they all so nice to be working with?
BUSH BROTHER: Truly!
INTERVIEWS: In next installment, we talk of torture & pain, under pretense of civil discourse.

Box Cutter Elvis

2008-03-27T15:45:00.004-06:00

A note from our correspondent out at Cape Fligely:

The fine spring continues as the glaciers collapses around us. It seems almost like a happy tune, or perhaps the exact opposite thereof. I am reminded not only of Napolean's last words but also of his third words. If only I could get an internet connection here like I could in Omsk!

The woman I love she loves another man. Although this is not why I have stationed myself at the extreme end of my beloved Russia, like a Greenpeace tanker relieving itself seventeen leagues from the protest site. No. As a chronicler, I must chronicle. As a note taker, I must take notes. As a Hemingway fan, I must fan Hemingway. So too it is with the War On Sailing.

A chap called Gordeyov comes by every other fortnight to make sure I am not a chronicle-sicle. He's a well-mannered but it's obvious his most recent sexual partners have walked on four legs. I am not, to be sure, talking about Chernobyl survivors, but the local flora. A man's needs must needs to be tended to, to be sure. If only he & I spoke the same language!

Doubtless you would find this as charming as the Nova crew, which came & went in less than seventy-two hours, didn't. I don't spend every waking moment entirely awake, but I have stared into the sun that doesn't rise, nor fall, depending on the time of the year, & I have been collecting (as you requested) the vital links between Upper East & Right-Hand-Corner West which may prove valuable to someone when the smoke clears.

To wit: nearly no one here knows about the show "Two & A Half Men." Despite a fundamental love-hate relationship with Vladimir Putin, the townsfolk on the cliff down the lane instead choose to spend their time ironing, washing, bickering & dickering. When I even attempted to introduce a simple transistor radio into their homes, I was forced to endure a lecture about salting fish that still burns in my ears today!

Is this the colloquial village which Erasmus alluded to? Or is this the creepy colony which Lovecraft forced to put all its clothes back on? I don't want to die as a didactic dilettante, so I will spare you the extra allusions I've collected during the Writer's Strike - I want us to appreciate this scenery for the pre-apocalyptic milieu it truly is. We can live most anywhere they'll deliver pizza - why not live somewhere where all the stoves are the size of pizza ovens?

There are doubtless other things to report - I've got a hell of problem with a bird that might be an erne but I don't really know if ernes exist, as I only know about them thanks to New York Times crosswords. But a dispatch from a small fire a world away from the front should alert everyone that the War On Sailing waits for no one. Indeed, it is rather anxious & needs to get going.

My love to the bookkeeper!

Archival Brouhaha

2008-03-05T16:26:00.002-06:00

What Election 2008 obscures is obviously more important than Election 2008, as you well know. Scholarship may make molehills out of mountains, & vice versa, & it may also choose to focus on the minutiae which is figuratively the grains of mole that make the mole hill. This is by no means meant to reference the great Battle Of Mole Hill which took the lives of seventeen brewer's aprons back in 1962, nor is this a reference to Molé Hill, a famous sauce maker from Guadalajara whose exploits involving the feeding of the Renegade Black Banditos made him very famous in his neighborhood & led unfortunately to his incarceration & death for making salsa that was just too damn delicious for the local authorities to stand.

I bring this to your attention because, as an avid newspaper clipper, I have watched my shears go rusty (so to speak) from the lack of real information given to even the specialists. As an example: once Rhinoplasty Today! was an important read if you wanted to know how the zombie technicians kept so many terrifyingly old politicians & pundits alive. But now it reads like a how-to manual for the desperate disfigurement of Generation Then. I know this can be helpful as well, but the current generation is involved only implicitly in the War On Sailing. The powers-that-are seem to know someone - I don't dare to believe it's us, friends! - are on to them.

So when the Societal Organization for Archiving, or SOFA, met in early 2008, I was there to observe in my cover identity as an advertising executive & part-time balloon dancer for the Madison Avenue firm of Blow Me & Bother, & although I have already sent a report to SOFA committee, as well as to the Wall Street Journal's matchmaker program, I can report in general that SOFA specialists are in a bind, a tizzy, a snit, a pet & most disturbingly a dither. I have never seen so many people in latex gloves raising angry fists at one another (with the exception of the famous Reagan Major Polyp Surgery of 1988, but that, of course, was a medical & not a partisan disagreement). An horrible example: when one archivist, the great Smithers Doohickey of the University of Filth, attempted to keep the peace with a tender speech & a call for a group hug, he was forced to eat acid-treated copies of what some said were unpublished Samuel Pepys scribbles, fourteen pages total, & forced to wash it down with his own tears. I can say with no doubt that SOFA has lost - well, not a good man - but a trustworthy man. A man who knew how to bag & tag, at any rate!

What is to be done? Isn't conflict the soul of drama? Yes, but whose drama are these usually quiet, unassuming, astonishingly lonesome people acting in? It is certainly not the inherently deliberate & dull drama of Information Science, where the discovery of a heretofore unknown flyleaf has caused blood pressure issues in men in their thirties. No, it is the fact that someone - who? - is involving them in a national conspiracy of which they have no part. They are forced to be extras or walk-ons or (let's face it) caterers by the powerful people - the same people who manipulate "democratic" elections & allow television shows like Jimmy Kimmel's to remain on the air.

I have sent to SOFA a detailed & anonymous list of recommendations for the organization to follow & look forward to reporting the changes made when I attend their next meeting in 2012. As for right now - those of us who require the services of archivists, librarians, data managers, astronauts & strippers - I say to you, tread lightly. They are being manipulated by forces that cannot control, mainly because the forces have no Library of Congress number. Well. Not yet!

Wait - What Just Happened In Cuba?

2008-02-28T16:42:00.002-06:00

Nothing happened. Don't pay attention to it. The Cheese Vendors in Miami & the Hacky-Sack Construction Company in Havana don't care, why should you? Instead, listen to this:

In eighteen eighty seven, on a Wednesday I think, the grumpy bastards who wrote that ridiculous forgery The Protocols Of The Elders Of Zion were having coffee outside a well-regarded Moscow urinal. They had spent the night spreading nasty rumors about their landlord's sexuality (finally deciding that he fucked goats, although a last-minute rally to label him simply "gay" failed only because the main supporters disappeared into the bathroom for fifteen minutes), but, although they looked forward to the future tarring & feathering that was bound to happen, they were slightly dissatisfied. They had been ruining lives with rumors for years now, starting with their athletics' coach in Boy's School, but one could tell they longed for bigger prey. Why not take on an entire race?

In what is always ironic about shit like this, these ne'er-do-wells weren't exactly anti-Semitic. They frankly hated everyone. In less than a year they would have the themes for the Protocols & would only have to wait for Dmitri to come up with a good name. Dmitri wasn't much of a thinker, but he did have a fake ID so he could get the guys booze & he was a little attractive, so women would talk to him. This was an ugly bunch of fellows, so getting a girl close to them was quite the task.

This group of troublemakers need not concern us entirely. I mention that Wednesday in eighteen eighty seven because, after a fight broke up over who spilled the last of the sugar, an American who we'll call Theodore Roosevelt was stumbling out of a Moscow brothel two houses down. This man was in town on a brief Eastern European tour to promote what was soon to be a new weapon in the War On Sailing: radiation. Ostensibly looking for an attractive scientist to "discover" radiation, he had recently met a charming Polish girl named Marie who was on the top of his list. But he had plans to visit both Moscow & St Petersburg & had figured that, Russians being Russian, their scientists might spend time in whorehouses. That was his excuse anyway - he really just wanted to have sex.

As he passed the ruffians, they took notice of what was surely the bushiest damn mustache they had ever seen in their lives, & it astonished them. Their reaction, too, astonished Theodore Roosevelt (not his real name). In the way that history sometimes works - pushing two kinds of people together who probably would never have otherwise had anything to do with each other - there was a sudden moment of emotional clarity, & the coffee-drinking pranksters surrounded the man & gave him what had to be (I assert without a whole of data, but come on!) the first ever Group Hug in Russia. Tears flowed freely, &, even though they picked Roosevelt's pocket, & he stabbed one of them in the butt cheek, they remembered the meeting fondly, years later, when Roosevelt, who was an elected official at the time (but not the president because it's not the same Roosevelt I'm trying to tell you), visited the group (reduced in number to six since the one called Vlad had found a girl & was now working with Lenin as a door-to-door communist) at the circus where they were now working.

They confessed to Roosevelt their authorship of the Protocols & grumbled because they saw copies of it everywhere, & yet hadn't made a dime off it. "Maybe," said Roosevelt, "you should have put your name on it. Authors who sign their books get royalties & stuff." "D'oh!" they all said together.

What does this have to do with the recent events in Cuba? (I know you understand what this has to do with the War On Sailing! You're not idiots!) Well, at the circus, sitting in a stroller lined with the down of revolutionary geese was a young Raul Castro!

That's much more important than the puppet show going on now in Caribbean.

Generation

2008-02-16T10:17:00.002-06:00

This was published in a recent issue of Salamander Fancy magazine. Much thanks to correspondent Hiram Thung for bringing it to our attention:

The community dance center has asked me to prepare some remarks about Lamarck for this tiresome debate about evolution versus bullheaded religious stupidity. As the one person in this room who has ever left the country, I am perhaps the cloest thing to an expert you have. I thank you for asking me up here, & wonder what the fuck is in your drinking water.

When Lamarck, the French naturalist, died in 1829, I can't honestly say I was too bummed out. I couldn't express that in French, though. In those dark days, we didn't have online resources like Babelfish to make fools of ourselves to French people. No, all I had was a phrasebook written by an American army officer from Virginia who learned French in Quebec. Most of the mourners at Lamarck's embarrassingly planned funeral didn't know what the fuck I was saying. Good for me!

How was that different from William Blake's funeral a couple of years before? Two words: the drugs. Holy shit did we get fucked up at Blake's funeral. I think even Blake was fucked up, & that motherfucker was stone cold dead. I know, I know, everyone thought Blake was some sort of crazy religious nut, but all I know is, the dude loves his psychedelics. Hell, he was the only English poet of his day who owned an electric guitar. You know?

Anyway, Lamarck. Eighty years after his death I was sitting outside the railroad station in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, when, as it happened in those days, an argument broke out between a hobo who was talking shit about Mendel & a security guard who was a total Lamarckian. To be fair, they were about to open the meat packing plant then & everyone thought they'd finally be able to quit working at the city's fast food restaurants, which, I gotta tell you, were some of the worst places to work in South Dakota at the time. The manager of the local Taco Bell, for example, was a douchebag without parallel.

So this security guard says, "Lamarck did not die no natural death. Lamarck was killed in the War on Sailing!"

Motherfucker. I nearly shit a brick. It had followed me even there, to the middle of nowhere in a country run by an asshole the size of Teddy Roosevelt's asshole. The guard was wrong, of course. Lamarck had been on the wrong side of the War On Sailing. Blake has been assassinated, though. Still, the point was made. They were on to me. Just as I know you're on to me now.

Listen: you know your enemies by the ideas they spew. Lamarckianism, like Social Darwinism, like Trickle Down Economics, like American Idol, like Intelligent Design, is a meme propagated by our foes to keep us dumbasses. Dumb people believe nearly anything. I have traveled far & wide & pretended to be a dumbass, not just because dumbasses are allowed to eat pretty well (as you well know), but because they are not always ashamed of their strings. So I can occasionally see the marionette. Just like now.

Lamarck had an ironic name, because he didn't hit "la marck." He was way off. You thing you're on the mark? Don't be too sure.

Anyway, thanks for letting me talk. Have a fun debate.

What You Didn't Know About Wafers

2008-01-30T14:16:00.000-06:00

Were it not always thus, the liturgical & the lazy? We who swim in the deep waters wherein the War On Sailing is fought know too too well the intricacies & therefore the inconsistencies of the religious world, the religious world-view. Many books have been written & not quite a few re-written on the subject. There are times when new evidence is apparent & other times when old evidence disappears & shows up again in another place as if to say "I can be new evidence too!" & then there are the warriors, the priests, the warrior-priests, the pedestrians, the poets, the pedestrian-poets, & the priestesses when it's later & women are allowed to become involved. It's more of a muddle than a mess, but if untangling's your thing, you could spend a decent academic career trying to make sense of it all, or an indecent academic career making a buck lying about it to students & New York Times book reviewers.

Into this milieu we throw - regretfully, hesitantly - baked goods. Since human beings need to eat to live, food early on became a regular element in rites, rituals & dinners, sometimes in gratitude for some imaginary being's providing the celebrants with the food, sometimes out of spite for the imaginary being, who often (they are told) has better food he won't share. Into this prosaic stew (no pun intended) (oh, all right, pun intended) many especially irritated initiates decided they would completely piss the imaginary being off by pretending to eat him. While cannibalism has, in most societies, been used mostly as a last-ditch effort to liven up a really awful party, cannibalism-by-proxy has been popular since primates, out of the trees & into the libraries, found out what "proxy" meant & began using the word to confuse stupid baboons. It was not a surprise when the early Christians (so early, in fact, they simply called themselves "Chrises") started to use a wafer, pretending it was their imaginary being, & fed them to each other.

There are rules for how to make & distribute the wafer, of course. In the Specific Telling of the Roman To-Do, it is recommended "that the wafer bread be made wafer thin, with only blessed tongues tasting & slightly blessed fingers touching (too much blessing of fingers makes the wafer too sweet)... When the priest, whose stomach must also be blessed, breaks the wafer thin bread into single wafer thin wafers, he must do so with a minimum of bits on the church floor. In churches where a good doggie is nearby, the good doggie may be blessed & can lick up what are obviously the crumbs of Christ... There are three words that the priest must learn to be able to successfully & regularly break up the wafer thin bread into single wafer thin wafers: practice, practice, practice... Congregants are to be strongly discouraged from watching the preparation, lest they decide that the entire wafer thin bread is the body of Christ & that the parts of the wafer thin bread are parts of Christ. In one gathering in Galatia, one woman refused the host because she was certain it was one of Christ's testicles... The priest is encouraged to break the wafer thin bread into single wafer thin wafers either alone or with colleagues who will not misunderstand the process..."

Why only some Protestants carried on the practice with wafers, while the rest moved on to tastier cookies &/or buttery crackers, is not to be discussed in this monograph. With the importance of the wafer to the regular operation of the church established early on (some say even before Christ, although this is just silly & the people who say it are obviously just looking for an argument), a shadowy group of wafer bakers soon appeared & took over the process. It was this group which gave the Pope & his poker buddies (soon to be called Cardinals) the giant staff called a monstrance, which has in it the world's biggest & tastiest host, edible only by the Holy Father when he's really hungry & the Vatican kitchen is closed. The monstrance is not, as some assume, used in the baking process, but rather is used to knock blocks of stale unleavened bread around the kitchen on breaks &, should there be two host bakeries in the neighborhood, in the streets on sunny days for unofficial street hockey tournaments.

The bakers, while not a secret society per se, are not governed by the rules of capitalism or modern finance, although they have recently gone public & this writer in particular made a sweet pile of change when I dumped my shares last year right before Pope Ratzinger's ill-advised Nazi salute some Israeli visitors to St Peter's Square. He reportedly got a giggle out of it, but it took a lot of wrangling from the two governments to stop an Israeli bombing of Vatican City. & by the way, the SEC totally cleared me of any malfeasance. I was just looking for another investment. It's not like I know anyone who works for the Host Bakers or anything. Anyway.

Going public is only the first manifestation of what two sources I have inside the group call "more publicity & therefore more power to us!" This "publicity" decision is ominous: this is the group to whom Marie Antoinette trusted the creation & distribution of the cake she intended to give to the poor of France during the great French Bread Shortage of 1789, & surely you know how that turned out. An upshot of a more public group might be access to their archives, which have been cooling for some time (apparently, they're edible), but have remained off-limits to researchers. We can hope - & maybe bring our own silverware.

While it is frustrating (& frankly clichéd) to say "time will tell," especially with the rapid speed at which both the violence & the absurdity of the War On Sailing have increased since the turn of the century, at this point this is all we can do.

As a note: Catholic Brand Eternally Good Host Crackers are now available in your grocer's freezer & are delicious with jelly on top. I recommend the "unconsecrated" style, as they have fewer calories.

When You Think You Understand Birthdays

2008-01-20T00:27:00.000-06:00

After the last of the refugees left the crumbling canoes, stumbling onto the San Diego shore & frightening the children, the prospectors, the tree machine salespeople, they one by one turned & looked out at the smoking hulk at the horizon's edge. They wished for something like a sunset to silhouette the sinking ship, but it was midday & all they got was a half-assed fizzling fireball which hopped up like a fat man from an ant-covered garden chair, then plopped down again, rocking the distant liner nearly imperceptibly, but not making a sound nor otherwise causing any memorable pyrotechnics.

The EMT technicians who happened to be passing & said "What the hell" & went to help the wet, shocked former passengers were surprised to hear these otherwise Caucasian-appearing people speaking a medley of what a couple of skinny-dipping linguists said were South Indian languages like Tamil & Malayalam, although the cuter of the two swore she heard Comanche. Most improbably, the only word the refugees spoke in English - & the only word they used when talking to the doctors, policepeople, newspaper & television reporters, representatives of the religious community, car wash technicians & out-of-work clowns who came to help them was this: "Birthday."

How did you get out there? Birthday. What happened out there? Birthday. Where did the ship come from? Birthday. Why were all of you on the ship? Birthday. What is the name of the day when I came out of my mother's womb? Birthday.

This enigma attracted surprising little media attention at the time (it happened on either Super Bowl Sunday or Never Ending Pasta Bowl Tuesday - accounts differ) until now, when Lucas Peabody Assortment has decided to follow up on this mysterious tragedy in his new book How To Be A Man, Make Love With Men & Not Be Gay. Despite its "self help" title, this is a provocatively scholarly work which examines what Assortment calls "the wet boat surviving folks" & traces their inexplicable journey on a huge cruise ship with no international markings, no communication with any other sea- or aircraft, & no apparent survivors among the crew.

Assortment, who is an Austrian slumlord with deep ties to the Bavarian holistic capital punishment movement, provides blurry photographs & crayon-colored maps of what could possibly be images of the ocean - or maybe of a monkey getting a haircut - to discuss his incredible discovery that, despite the fact that he's never left the small village of Prigglitz, where he was born & later conceived, he has not been able to locate the ship's remains under the sea. Add to that the interesting - some might even call them mildly amusing - interviews he conducted with the survivors over internet chat from the late 1990s until shortly after the early 2000s, & you are sucked into Assortment's delicious description of an international cabal foiled by freedom fighters & earnest young men with typewriters wearing codpieces & deeply desperate for a space to practice both their music & their avant-garde cinema.

This valuable tome has begun to shed light on the hegemonic aesthetes for whom the War On Sailing is but a ploy for mind control, bigger golf courses, historical revisionism, & the renaming of an entire generation with anagrams of names everyone likes better. Assortment, though despondent about the future & really, really wanting to have sex with a man but afraid of being "outed," still manages to present a plan for scholarship & cruising which demands our attention. A gripping read.

Sweet Dreams (An Analysis)

2008-01-07T18:16:00.000-06:00

The War On Sailing has long been fundamentally interested in most pseudoscientific & religious dogma, ideas, theory, etc., not because they have any intrinsic value (which is to say, any intrinsic truth) but because of the use of such things as both motivation & controller by those who hold power, & of course the struggle for the ultimate power on this planet is the purpose of the War On Sailing. Why else have a war? Don't answer that.

I was reminded today of this while reading a monograph written by the late Winston Feeler, a completely discredited & therefore noted authority on dreams, in which he argued most ridiculously that dreams are more like a children's dot-to-dot puzzle than most people realize. One could keep a record of one's dreams, he argued, on a blank piece of paper, & then connect the finished record once enough dreams were recorded (say, twenty dreams) & one would have a delightful drawing which said "something" about the dreamer. In my younger days, I did attempt something of this sort, & my dreams, once connected, formed an astonishing likeness of Casper the Friendly Ghost. If I had been able to contact Feeler (he's not dead, he's serving consecutive life sentences in near-isolation for raping & eating three of his more delicious patients), I am not sure what he might have deduced from that. I was & have always been far more interested in Hot Stuff, the Little Devil.

Two dreams Feeler record were of fundamental interest to scholars of our discipline. One patient, identified as Patient Crumble, which is known to have been George H W Bush's nickname for Donald Rumsfeld, described a dream in which he was hanging out with friends in Paris, stole several things, was caught, & then was completely baffled that he couldn't just pay for them & leave, the whole "robbery" being some kind of fraternity prank. This dream was recorded in 1989.

Another dream Feeler records by someone he called Patient Alberto Gonzales (we're currently not sure to whom this refers) is even more interesting: while showing off a new house to friends, one guest of the patient notes that the walls are misaligned, & moves them, so that doorways appear in their natural place, including one doorway which opened up an entirely new room. The patient is delighted, but even in his dreams his friends call him a dumb fuck.

I draw attention to this not because the dreams have any sort of mystical or symbolic meaning - the dreamers are obviously incredibly obvious & unremarkable people whose other dreams include "flying," "watching my parents having sex," & "invading a country full of brown people who have a lot of oil" - but to show just the opposite. Dream symbolism is a cautionary tale - it leads to too many dead ends & encourages you to waste time in other peoples' heads when you least want to be there - when their brains are cleaning house.

I got all this from reading a moronic pamphlet by a damaged man. I am too afraid now to do crossword puzzles.

Nu Jazz Is A Total Scam

2008-01-02T18:01:00.000-06:00

A fragment from a previously unknown correspondent:

"I was walking near the corner of Mulberry & Shields in Fort Collins, Colorado, one rainy summer day when it completely dawned on me that the whole concept of 'genre' was a total scam designed to divide, not unite, music lovers. I was staying with this completely easy chick who lived down on Birch & was flunking out of Colorado State, mainly because she had never finished high school & hadn't therefore been accepted into college, but luckily I wasn't visiting her because of her intellectual properties, if you know what I mean & I think you do. But that day I was not to get to bust my nut.

I don't know if you know much about Fort Collins. Everyone agrees it's a shithole, but it's so much less than that. It's barely fifty miles south of Cheyenne, Wyoming, on I-25, which is where the good lord's bloody urine goes when it dies. I can't tell you how that colors a city, even a city with as little color as Fort Collins. But really, I kid Fort Collins. It hasn't been around for all that long. It's been making its own beer, which I appreciate. But I was there not as a tourist, but because I was forced out of Cheyenne. In Cheyenne, I had been asking around about Cheney.

Cheney! How that blowhole haunts my waking sleep! My long-anticipated expose of his Iraq-child-skull-fucking & his ability to fry fish with his spit was so close to being finished! Denise, the randy young coed whom I would never again bed, had rescued me from a Cheyenne diner/taxidermist's called The Artificial Heart, a favorite of the so-called vice president, & home to truly disgusting meals served on trays made from dead animals. My notoriety was such that only my mother knew me, & she never really knew me, because she never cared. But from my first question - 'So, has Dick Cheney stuck his cock in any of these dead warthogs or what?' - I could sense the hostility. Asking for a second cup of coffee has never been so hard.

Denise says I called her with a rambling text message. I just remember one gigantic waitress trying to poke my eye out with a stuffed eagle's outstretched wing. By the time the police arrived, I was able to excuse myself to wash my hands & slip out the back door. A chase ensued, but the wall of fire that separates Colorado from Wyoming proved protection for me & Denise, since people from Wyoming haven't yet discovered fire & aren't sure what it is. They think it's scary. They run away.

We made love, Denise, Colorado & I, that night, & the next day, as I made my way back from Colorado's apartment to get to Denise's, I was stopped short by none other than the so-called vice president's lesbian daughter. She looked more like Anderson Cooper than I had previously thought, but there was no mistaking her Cheneyness. She beckoned me to come & she promised me she would tell all. How could I refuse?

First, though, I will send this missive out to you. I will discover the truth, & it shall set me free & make me not a little bit of money. Just, if you don't hear from me, tell my mother to call the police or the FBI or something, will you? Thanks!"

Six Months In A Leaky Boat

2007-12-31T09:42:00.000-06:00

Ah, there we are. I thought we'd lost you.

Friends of this discipline, I apologize for my absence. Not only from this scholarly compendium, but also from the work altogether. It may seem trite or at the very least dull to say "My mom made me get a job," but surely we can appreciate the succinctness & pith of such a simple sentence! We can also appreciate how disastrous to this field of inquiry it would be if I had to move out of the basement where I keep all the files. Alas, six months disappear & all I have to show for it is car payments & a crush on a food prep specialist named Mandy.

As I sit here, feeding the cats on the this, the last day of what will surely be known as 2007, I am tempted to reflect upon the difficulties I've faced - me in particular - in challenging the dominant paradigm of a bullying nation. I am tempted to be reflective upon the gradual shift in University-brand scholarship which, for some reason, seems to allow people from other countries to look over & even critique your writings. I am tempted to get my ass in gear because I gotta be at the Whataburger in thirty. Which makes the other temptations frivolous indeed!

There are many insights to be gleaned from my recent experience, not the least of which is the death of the word "employee" in favor of the more cumbersome "associate," & I promise to continue with this continuous history in the new year. My deepest apologies to you for not keeping you up-to-date with my whereabouts & happenings. I so totally didn't add you as a friend on myspace, & I regret it now.

To Alabaster, one of the most ridiculous factory farmers I know: I will prepare your request for a history of innard-prophecies as soon as I can.

To Sybil, she who writes everything on the backs on cans: I cannot thank you enough for your research into the nefarious goings-on of the Campbell soup corporation. I will include it in my upcoming expose of soup in general.

To Ethan & Earl, keepers of the sacred audio collection: please stop prank calling me & playing back recordings I made as a ten year old. Dudes, we have caller ID. Mom says she'll call the cops.

To Jerry, Geoffrey & Jude: Bowling night was fun. Let's do it again. Only this time, let's bowl!

To Randolph & his PhD clan: While I can't offer academic credit for the work you're sending me, I can offer store credit. Use Chart 5A to see how we translate research into valuable prizes.

To The Society For The Second Self, Inc: Jesus, you know how to push buttons, don't you?

& finally to you, gentle reader: I shan't be away for such a length absence again. Unless I need to get offline to ditch my creditors. You know how it is. It cost a shitload of cash to get that portable scanner & all that whiskey. I had to go into a little debt. I'll let you know if/when I'll be adopting a clever pseudonym.

To the future, then! 2008 will be the year that the whole world - at least more than now - are aware of the War On Sailing!

The Last Nude Photographs Of Lucrezia Borgia

2007-07-23T00:17:00.000-06:00

Daddy was a pope, the men who married her were dopes (& possibly doped), but what of the eminent scholars (or the eminent folks on scholarship) who have begun to maintain that this Renaissance Schemer was in fact one of the world's first champion speed skaters?

Most probably we can dismiss them are being quite weird, but Lucrezia Borgia often comes up - sometimes only as a fanciful interjection - in discussions of the War On Sailing. There are many allusions to her in the conspiratorial literature:

In Waldorf Salade's first series of abstracts of outlines of synopses of his upcoming series of detailed breakdowns of coffee-table books about famous people from Milan, he repeatedly refers to Lucrezia Borgia as "that fiery minx who broke my boy Giovanni [Sforza]'s heart." Sometimes the word "balls" replaces the word "heart." Salade's abstracts are thought by many to be a coded message about mineral futures between United States Senators & the minerals themselves.

In the War On Sailing, much is & will be made of the Pawhuska, Oklahoma, based screenwriter & shoe shine king, Bertie Fleck. Fleck has excelled over the past two decades at not only being the quickest shoe shiner that side of Tulsa, but also as the world's fastest playwright, having written over four thousand plays in twenty years. This does not count plays he starts but chooses not to finish (often because of spilling shoe polish on them). This also does not imply quality - some say Fleck's written works are as sloppy as his shoeshine work. Few know for sure - as soon as he's finished a play, he sends it directly to his Aunt Repo, who uses them to feed her emus. In any event, word trickled out & down that Fleck wrote a play in 2004 called "Perotto You Bastard!" in which Lucrezia Borgia's tryst with a messenger boy caused calamity at her annulment, which happened while her first famous "sex tape" was all over the Internet.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood in the 1930s, the lonely television industry, waiting for television to be invented, cranked out as many sitcoms as possible, in case television caught on really fast. Since they were basically doing this with no one watching, some of the shows were of a racy & hateful quality, & one in particular, called "Papal Bull!", was an anti-Catholic show which delighted in calling attention to hypocrisies in the Middle Ages Church. A young actress named Liz Melch played the naughty Lucrezia Borgia, & she might have gone on to play the role on real television, but she married a marble quarrier & moved to the Marmo Quarry, never to be heard of again.

A famous painting hanging in a famous waiting room of a famous New York psychoanalyst (the man who claims credit for inventing Mel Blanc) was suddenly stolen & then discovered hanging above Mamie Eisenhower's clothes hamper in the days before the McCarthy hearings. The painter is unknown, but it is said that the painting depicts the famous Cesare v. Alfonso feud, & legend has it Mamie pasted pictures of herself & Ike (& Checkers, Dick Nixon's dog) over various characters populating the canvas. The painting mysteriously disappeared after President Eisenhower's stroke.

Finally, we are reminded of a scene on a streetcorner in busiest Tokyo, where a bespectacled beard by the name of Hetero-San was seen screaming in the late days of the millenium to an uncaring sky, "Why? Why marry two dudes named Alfonso? Why? Fucking why?"

We cannot perhaps separate the Lucrezia Borgia myths from the Lucrezia Borgia truths, but we can certainly attempt to spread a few Lucrezia Borgia rumors to irk Lucrezia Borgia know-it-alls to spill the beans on the Lucrezia Borgia secrets we know they're Lucrezia Borgia keeping. That's what this entry is trying to do. The secretive fucks. This'll show them!

You Did It For The Right Reason

2007-06-12T23:59:00.000-06:00

It was in France that Sam Shepard bought the famous horse that would make him a playwright. The people of the city - & the New York Critics - didn't believe he had it in him. All that was needed was a fried lizard for effect & a hit soundtrack featuring the hottest new artists of the time.

It's hard for some of us, non-famous & strangely colored, to fathom how easy it is for certain people to just "get rid" of "things" that "bother" us. Like scare quotes, apparently. But shouldn't we spend a little bit of time deciding or otherwise figuring out what sort of world we as vaguely heterosexual judges & prosecutors want? I'm not condoning the rule of law here. I am simply wanting to understand how you as an artist or artisan can accept virtually everything about your life - from people who put mayonaisse on their ice cream to ice cream that celebrates 1970's pornography - but not the War On Sailing.

It astonishes everyone, least of all me. There's hardly no time to gather, staple & bind the facts from the figures from the hot patootie you wear like an egg on the face of your shame. Let's take as an example the great Caracas Potato Misunderstanding of 1954. It's tempting to blame almost anything that happens in South America on the CIA, or Jack Lemmon, or Morrissey, but the truth is, it wasn't all these things & more - it was a minor skirmish in the War On Sailing. Seventeen people lost their potatoes. That's nothing at all to be proud of. & truth be told, though it made video games possible a lot earlier than most people had been predicting, it set back Stand Up Comedy by decades.

As an aside, when you wake up in the morning with the storm & rain, you don't have to handle the envelopes with gloves (you must know your fingertips lie to you), you don't have to butter your toast with jam, you don't even have to shower the people you love with love (even if it does show them the way that you feel): no, all you need to do is turn down the viewscreen & turn up the brain aerials. It makes navigation through the complicated complicities of modern American living only slightly more difficult than choosing a cheese for the in-law's visit. But it's as necessary as cheese. Though slightly less necessary than cheesy in-laws. See my article about this somewhere else.

One last admonishment: I know many of you love Hugo Chavez so much you want to marry him, but you should know, he was at the famous 1995 meeting with Donald Rumsfield, Saddam Hussein, Michael Jackson, Tim Blake Nelson, Erskine Caldwell, Emeril Lagasse, Henry Kissinger (the hand puppet), Bertha The Enema Queen & of course Wilma Flintstone, & he couldn't stop making farty noises with his hand under his arm whenever someone talked about Castro. What does that say to you, as a left-leaning scrotum-washer of his? Think about it.

You make me sick.

New Direct - Or, The Reason We Need Self Help

2007-05-22T23:36:00.000-06:00

Despite the overwhelming number of graduate students who refuse to dig through musty library stacks to do research (preferring instead the non-mustiness of Google), there is much hope for scholars of the War On Sailing, thanks to a concerted effort from the Weebelos of Bowlus, Minnesota, on a visit to the state capitol & library stand in Saint Paul. They dug up no less than eleven articles which bear directly on our research but which will never be available online. A brief listing follows:

"Marrying The Same Sex In The Lebu Republic Of Dakar" by Mortimer Spine, African Cities Illuminated, Issue 1, Volume 1, 1947

"Don't Kid Me!" starring Archie Andrews appearing in Archie Comics No. 56 (May/June 1952)

"Is That A Baboon? Holy Fuck!" by Pier Paolo Pasolini, Letters To My Grocer &/or Stripper, Accattone Press, 1970.

Brief mention in George Will's 1982 column, "How Far Can An Op-Ed Writer Stick His Tongue Up A President's Ass?" - Washington Embarrassment, August 23, 1982.

Chapters 14 - 19 of Vince Pederast's monumental half-novel It's Raining Catamites & Dogons, 1972, Spleen Press.

Mike Wallace interview of Bottom Fedora, the California Lettuce King, 60 Minutes, April 12, 1968.

"Can I Get A Good God Damn!" exhortation by Spanky D, number one MC of La Grande, Idaho, y'all, yeh.

"Tips, The Tipping, & The People Who Tip," editorial piece, Dining Monthly, September 1955.

That scene in Caddyshack 2 with Randy Quaid that you just fucking know would have been ten time funnier with Ted Knight or, really, anyone with half a sense of motherfucking comic timing.

"Dreamweaver," as sung by children trapped in a sinking boat, trying to keep their spirits up, taped by the Coast Guard at their most perverse, June 4, 1997, off the coast of North Carolina.

The Wikipedia entry on Ted Knight, printed out & left by the door.

We salute the inquisitive spirit of our nation's youth & promise to act accordingly.

Happy Fists

2007-05-04T11:41:00.000-06:00

The War On Sailing makes orphans of us all. Consider this wise anecdote anecdocumented in the personal library of a former United States President, unavailable until recently because of the usual excuses: men in black, violated constitutional rights, the Freedom Of Information Act, the faked moon landing, etc.:

Once upon a time, before the wedding, I took her to a place outside Oshkosh (on a dare!) that catered to couples who couldn't decide between eloping & shotgun weddings. If I mentioned the place, you'd know exactly where it was. We drove in circles on the 116, even though it's mostly straight, when she, with her usual aplomb, said, "I know a sleazy little den of cheese in Waukau." In those days, before the brain transplant, I was always up for anything, the skeezier the better. I hadn't yet had a chat with Dr. Jesus, if you know what I mean. I used to say every four-letter-word except love.

Well, the place, strangely enough, was a burned-out old tattoo parlor which was the site of the Brandy Night Siege*. I had read about it, of course, but I had never seen it - & like the General† said, it smelled of day-old bread in a Hollandaise sauce. I hadn't really expected the rumors to be true.

What was most surprising is that she seemed to know about the siege. We snorted fluff & head-butted to prepare us for what was going to be a decidedly queer evening. Once we found our way indoors, by means of moving about crispy furniture & a couple of intact metal doors, we found, to my surprise, but obviously not hers, a poker game going on! & not just any poker game: this game was attended by the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse!**

One of them pointed a Frito at me & said, "What the hell are you doing here, boy? Ain't you got a political career to worry about?"

Another blew a smoke ring at me. Needless to say, she wasn't as frightened as I, & she said, "Can it, salad fork. I brought him here. Give him the goods."

I wanted to ask questions, but of course I couldn't - she invoked the salad fork.†† However, the night which began with me wanting to get her drunk, fornicate with her, then ask her to marry me, had been turned on its heels. Now I was being forced to dress & act like a duck while the Four Horsemen made movies & she got five dollars for every tear I shed. I had never been so proud in my life - & so glad I chose her as my running mate - er, partner - er, wife.

I wish one day I could tell my grandchildren, but I have even changed my own name in this account to protect everyone. May God have tender mercies on my soil.

[Signature Removed]

NOTES:
* As will be discussed in an upcoming issue of Goof Royalty Quarterly, the Brandy Night Siege was a pitched battle during the War On Sailing which has so far been kept out of the history books - & the memories of the people of Oshkosh, Wisconsion - because of a surprise visit by Belgian nobles the morning after the siege. That this writer knows about the siege attests to his deep involvement with movers & shakers in the War On Sailing.
† In other works, "the General" usually refers, oddly enough, to Margaret Thatcher.
** For students of the War On Sailing, this label is usually meant to refer to four high school students who once visited Washington to read a paper about celery in the future to President Dwight D Eisenhower. Each of them received a gold star & Ike's blessing. Because of this, they stayed in touch, & the legend of the celery that melted General Eisenhower's heart gave them credibility that K Streeters can't buy. Needless to say, they were not there by accident.
†† For some conspirators in the War On Sailing, cutlery has tremendous power.