I Didn't Even KNOW There Was A War On Sailing!

Oh if only I had one minute of air time for every time someone said that to me! I could have my own cable channel for months. (I'd sleep nights, though - maybe make a little extra cash with infomercials.)

Scholars are not normally thought of as advocates, but sometimes, certain areas of study require that the researchers involved make the case for their field of inquiry along with the work they're doing within that field. This is not without precedent. In 1868, the troubled field of Facial Hair Studies, attempting to bring attention to the newly-created academic genre, required all the students & teachers who majored in, studied or taught the subject to have spectacular facial hair. This proved to be difficult for women who wanted to get degrees in Facial Hair Studies, & it is believed by people who know very little about history that this was the beginning of sexual oppression.

Those of us who have invested our lives in studying the War On Sailing must, however, not only immerse ourselves in historical, cultural, literary & musical materials to reconstruct trends, events & mechanations within the War On Sailing, we must also "pimp" (as the kids say) the war to the general public. Yes, this subject is so completely hidden from the view of the general public & modern academia that we who are on the cutting edge of modern thought must also convince folks that what we report & discover & discuss is of deadly seriousness. (Really, it is.)

So here are some tips when you, as a student of the War On Sailing, are confronted with skeptics or know-nothings who dismiss your work as useless, foolish or (ye gods!) a waste of time.

1) Ask them if they believe there are other dangerous events happening in the world that they don't know about. If they say "no," call them a liar. If they say "of course!", stick your tongue out at them.
2) Mention my own famous work The War On Sailing: A Continuous History & ask if they have read it. If they say they haven't, tell them to read it & then talk to you. Otherwise, tell them: talk to the hand.
3) Answer their questions with questions. It'll exhaust them.
4) Tell them that the War On Sailing is the only scholarly discipline which offers Green Stamps.
5) Sing them the War On Sailing theme song. Remember: it's sung to the tune of the theme song to "Star Blazers."
6) Look guiltily at them & say, "At least I'm not begging for money!"
7) As if possessed, rattle off a list of dates & events, countries & historical figures, & then stare them in the eyes & say, "What do these have in common?" They won't be able to answer, so tell them: "The War On Sailing!"
8) Shrug your shoulders, bum a smoke, hang out a while.

Good luck! You are fighting the good fight!

Video Games & The War On Sailing

An intrepid graduate student at the University Of Mainge in Neverspent, Wisconsin, has done some intriguing research into the link between video games & the War On Sailing. In her most recent paper, published in the Hallucinogen Quarterly, she outlines three commercial video games & probable reference points to the War On Sailing:

1) Panda Attack!

This game, manufactured by video game giant Alito, has boy scouts & girl scouts wandering the forest of a futuristic, capitalist China, attacked by Maoist pandas. In the paper, the author notes provocative parallels between the use of animals as the last line of defense & a famous (or infamous) guerilla battle in the War On Sailing, the Incident At Random Point (qv). In particular, the pandas in the video game seem armed mainly with eucalyptus bombs - as were the combatants at Random Point. Skeptics point out that the pandas in the video game have not been huffing Vick's Vapo-Rub for the previous thirty-six hours.

2) The New York Times' Beer & Bagel Run

In 1971, the newspaper reporter Neville Reporter (I swear, it was his real name) managed to get a brief article published, against all odds & against the better judgement of his editors, about an incident within the New York Times Lower New Jersey Bureau (Garden Division) which stands as a strange & wonderful example of how not to report on the War On Sailing. Small-town video game makers Snitchfeld have apparently used this article for a recent video game which takes place (boldly, brashly) at the New York Times main office.

In the game, a cub reporter must satisfy all the food & alcohol needs of the columnists & star reporters or else face banishment to the mail room. Though Snitchfeld claim not to remember the article (&, in fact, everyone who works at Snitchfeld was born long after the incident), the game is an uncanny reenacment of hazing rituals at the paper.

3) Gonzo Abattoir

This peculiar game, marketed for children, & featuring Jim Henson's famous Muppet (tm) characters, involves a mad Big Bird attempting to make felt sausages out of his Muppet Show counterparts. Players can choose to be Kermit, Sam The Eagle, Snuffleupagus or Gonzo & attempt to stop the war on Sesame Street. That this game is a pitch perfect reconstruction of an event in Paris in 1984 is not lost on scholars of the War On Sailing. What's most interesting (& chilling) is that, in both incidents, the main conspirator was named Gonzo. Also, they had similar noses.

Is there a link between video games & the War On Sailing? Hmm. I smell a dissertation topic!