Factual Truth! Area Friends Abandon Shaving!

Hirsutism is on the rise in many American cities including non-contiguous ones. While this makes the members of dozens-strong United States Association Of Delipatory Enthusiasts (US-ADE) optimistic, a strong contingent of the Non-Gay Hairdressers Society, as well as Scissors & Razors Unanimous, have pressed government agencies & well-meaning scientists to discover the cause before it's too late.

"I'm not queer!" wonders Atlanta barber-like person Irving Limp. "Just because I cut hair doesn't make me any more homosexual than you holding a notepad makes you a stenographer." His companion, a lovely piece of cheese named Mortimer, added, "You so hairy you like Cousin It hee hee." Customers to Limp's shop, The Straight Razor, have often left with more hair than they had when they arrived.

While physicists admit to hearing about this phenomenon on public radio, biologists & medical doctors play it close to the vest. "So what if some shaggy folks have decided to emerge from wherever the fuzzy live?" murmured famed life science model Dr. Elton Sorry. "Do you really think we give a hoot? What happened to all that government money anyway? Do you sometimes think I'd look better in blue?"

But what of those stricken with this generally uncomfortable condition? What options have are available to them? "We could donate their hair to children without any or little hair," says part-time philanthropist & former head-butter Christine Clocks. "Most children, through no dint of their own, remain stunningly hairless." With few solutions & almost certainly no problems on the horizon, a nation takes its own pulse.

Factual Truth! Trotskyites In Louisiana!

Everyone knows how Leon Trotsky (born Lev Davidovich Bronshtein, 1879-1940) died, but there are, as always, conflicting accounts on how he wiled away the hours. That inconvenient groups often gather to mimic his notorious moustache has been widely attested to, and even imitated in animation, but the rise of "Trotsky Cosplay Clubs" in Louisiana, almost an American state, has caused turmoil there.

Bobby Jindal, not the former governor but a female impersonator with the very same name, is among the fevered many who fear for their parish's livelihood: "Why Trotsky? Why now? Why not Mao? Why not Deng? I've seen the Stalinist Jazz Band down in Norleans, but Trotsky sang off key! Get these rabbits out of my house! I own a mansion & a yacht! If you're going out can you bring me more sugar!"

People who don't apparently have "indoor voices" notwithstanding, professional jailers like local celebrity Burton Gator appeared ambivalent: "Political theory is not my strong suit. My strong suit is armor. Like from King Arthur days. & King Arthur would tell you now, one, stay away from my wife! & two, Marxism was discredited by the rise of telemarketing & the fall of the Soviet fried chicken franchise. The end."

Since it's almost certain these assertions are false & just being reported to rile people up, this reporter has found no Trotskyites in or around the state of Louisiana, despite a few Leninists who have a bait shop in Texarkana. That's why authorities have arrested some long-haired Dungeons & Dragon players & made them confess to being male cheerleaders. As National Guard troops are prank-called, the story remains elusive.

Factual Truth! Extended Diaphonous Courtesies!

The number of sports teams in the contiguous United States has now more than quadrupled in earnings & emptiness. But did you know there was a time when a stick was a stick & a ball was a bearing? In a newly published "imagined historical treatise," Professor Kenneth Smash, DDS, attempts to trace the pantsless & sportsless United States of the Jeffersonian era to today, when sports instead of pants is the rule.

Critics are already spotty. An amateur chimney sweep & ESDN broadcaster who shall remain noseless has weighed in at two-hundred twenty-three pounds: "It's as fair as you can imagine but if you're going to get into a fight dude don't pick a fight with a judge, referee, umpire, or clown." The Americana Parcels, in a budge match with the O Canadian Pukes, issued separate statements of intent.

As summer turns overlappingly to autumn, meteorologists took time off from caffeine to meet in St. Louis for Judy Garland's sake. Ted "Doppler" Dopeler, winner of the prestigious "Colored Radar Stick" at last year's Weather Emmys, mentioned that history is not nor should be his strong suit: "You've heard that saying, right? If you don't like the weather around here, then fuck you!"

Can we learn from realities that really don't exist? Theologians look around furtively but prefer instead to have some tea. As websites explode with "other timelines," the profitable & obviously sleazy world of organized sporting prefers to look ahead to the next paycheck - & the next opportunity. Nerf Salesman Kermit Blurb says what others could be thinking: "If I didn't have sports, I might have other, better facts in my head."

Factual Truth! A History Of Long Names!

While everyone can name their first & most famous "long name," the Terrence Snoot Department at the on-air University of Curls has introduced its bold initiative, "The No Less Than Seven Syllable Project." Director of the center, Hans Dicks, explained, "Is this mic on?" His assistant, the quite striking Kate Quake, added, "See that red light? If the red light's on, the camera's on."

Not to be outdone, Chinese researchers chose instead to focus on the country's energy needs. Yet in India, where the Devanagari script has rebounded on the country's Linguist Market, huge strides have been made to increase the length of historic places by adding more attractive vowel sounds. Two factions have arose, but lack of funding & the need for more time with their respective families has so far prevented conflict.

Europe, too, has thrown their threadbare hat into the ring. Enlisting powerful Welsh elocutionists, the EU (European Utterers) has begun referring to thousands of place names with many more sounds than apparently necessary. Public reaction is mixed - the National Society Of No Time To Do That in Belgium has threatened, when available, to oppose this, while the Direction Givers Of Spain have embraced the change with gusto.

The President, aware of the United States' slipping rhetorical reputation, has asked his party to introduce a bill in Congress, or generally wherever the party may be, to rename Washington, DC, to a difficult (& frankly unprintable) fifteen-syllable tongue twister. As usual, the opposition has gone on television to discredit the idea, thereby creating hundreds of hilarious clips of stupid old men trying ridiculously to repeat the name.

The world has expressed its intense admiration.

News Item! What Television Is Telling The Government!

As the fifth unnamed choir leader is arrested this week for treason, churches with their own television stations are up in arms. Pastor John Plenty told an audience the Neilsen company estimated as "few" with the condition "if any" that he's "nearly out of his asthma medication" & "I do not, according to Bible precepts, tell my wife everything I am doing." The Christian blogosphere ate just enough till they were full.

This underlies the troubled relationship Americans have with cluttered faith. A diagnostician with the United Airlines Mock Medical Team told the Neww Yorkk Timess that he "didn't know scalpels blades were that sharp ouchy!" In tears, a mother of four told a father of six that too many people see colored maps of the world these days, but not enough know the secret story of Rand McNally, his wife Sally, & their hero dog Pally.

While certainly not justifying putting the words "Christian" & "cinema" together in any meaningful way, young digital camera auteur Burt Christ refuses to believe recycling isn't a scam. "Recycling, bicycling, streptocycline - aren't they all just made up by the devil or his Uncle Sam?" he said to a wall near his apartment. "Until the people of this country wake up, I will not reattach the snooze button to my alarm."

All in all, Americans love their televisions but treat them like their pets. Television on the other hand has settled out of court with the strippers they met in 2009. Both thrive on scandal, yet one also needs a daily fix of fast food advertisements. Does this explain how some Christian churches manage to foster unrest, terrorism, leprosy, hangnail? The President's Blue Ribbon Panel will undoubtedly forget to ask.

News Item! Does No One Remember Canada?

As an example or exercise, use the search engine of your choice and see if you can find Vancouver. At 6:43 am this morning, in a heavy downpour & with no hesitation whatsoever, oversleeping cartographers everywhere experienced what their spouses called "either an anticlimactic spasm or a half-hearted panic attack." The reason? Says Mason Longe, a Denver cartographer & pineapple spokesperson, "I couldn't find Canada!"

Several Canadians attempted to talk to the press but were not understood due to thick Newfoundland accents. One zookeeper, who was looking for a famous missing leopard in a New Jersey brothel, gladly sang to reporters & showed a tattoo of Chris Christie that he had himself drawn on his stomach. "I once sat through an entire television show filmed in Canada," he said. "Never again."

The President, who was bravely fighting off zombies in front of an unnamed model train store, refused to put down his shotgun & comment. The opposition, engaged in cosplay based on the new "Li'l Reagan" cartoon on Fox News, were both furious & pusillanimous. The Dungeons & Dragons game at Carl Thompson's house went off without a hitch - unless you count Teddy Hickens eating all the barbecue Pringles which Carl totally does.

Realizing they could now vote on their phone for pennies a serving, some teenagers refused to believe that there ever was a Canada. "Maybe it was an inside job," said Melody Hogg of Poughkeepsie, New York. "Like the Lincoln assassination. Or the Lincoln bedroom." More legislation will be proposed in Oregon, as usual. You can open the door now - it's only climate scientists & they've promised to be good.

News Item! Time For Children In The Holidays!

New computer applications can teach your children to tell the time in nautical miles, reports Consumer Consumer magazine. It's all part of the Autumn Christmas Fashion issue, available on bookshelves & of course in your grocer's freezer. A sneak peek inside the four thousand page, glossy-sided, highly combustible periodical reveals many pages intentionally left blank.

What of the families in today's economy who don't know how to make a stew with only a catalog & a handful of weeds? One charity program based out of an Evangelical church in a Mormon's basement in Dallas, Texas, provides a daily meal to the homeless consisting of a buttered bun & a small piece of candy stolen from a doctor's office. Complaints are met with a sharpened crucifix poked up against the jugular.

"We can't rely on churches to feed us," said famous fat person Link Download, "& of course the government forgot to hang up the phone so all we get is a busy signal. The solution is rich people!" He stood on a bluff outside Bob Dylan's Malibu estate as he instructed a ragtag group of hobos, the disenfranchised, the dispossessed, & other classic rock fans to camp on his lawn until the singer-songwriter brought them the menu.

With nearly one in every other obvious group of children in clear distress, statisticians have a lot to answer for. An administration executioner declined to discuss leaked plans for another round of economic poisonings, citing the opposition party's strange glee in killing their own. As Christmas approaches, then, the laughter of Santa Claus may for many be the uneasy sound of a priest giggling at you.

News Item! More Information About Wresting!

In the crime-ridden sections of San Diego, California, shopping carts full of aluminum cans do not stand abandoned for long. Social workers with just one earring in the left ear & clipboards made out of clear plastic put pen to paper but hesitate & look around. Three officials from the United States Census Bureau, including one who can't help but look like a puffin, chat morbidly outside a condemned building about the recent Comic Con.

"An oxygen-rich diet is fabulous, but you need nitrogen, too," says former mayor & current automaton Ralph Metallic. "You could have been anything that you want to, & I can tell the way you do the things you do." But sandpaper forger & nude model Henry X. Furred sees it another way: "If it wasn't touched by Steve Jobs during his previous life, it's not applicable to my day-to-day."

While churches do not necessarily approve of half-naked youths grappling sweatily with one another while family members look on, the Manly Association Of Youth Pastors has lobbied heavily for adolescent wrestling. A Baptist youth minister from Phoenix, Jack Closet, has even put up a website with himself dressed as Jesus wrestling with pubescent boys in order to drum up support.

But what of the ongoing civil rights violations of Christmas hoarders? No one can say for certain which local non-profit has spent a few dollars looking for a lawyer. There's a drawing of a sea otter at the mouth of a large gutter which delights everyone who espy it. Which is not to say locals don't grumble about this & that; it's just that the air quality, especially from the Pacific, is not what it used to be.

News Item! Crumbling Infrastructure Opportunities!

It's the fourth bridge disaster in as many disasters. We have been told stories of people who like to watch things fall down on an empty stomach, but this record crowd of innocent & frankly quite guilty bystanders has set records for castastrophe attendance in dying Midwestern cities that the Sun Belt will have a hard time topping. Suffice it to say, fried bread sales are through the roof.

A Federal Marshall with a long face & a tie covered with Disney characters kept the peace with gentle verbal sparring & the occasional gunshot to the sky. Local anatomists with powerful binoculars competed in the identification of random body parts & the town's morticians conspired with swimming & drug-sniffing dogs for their own nefarious purposes. The Red Cross stood around talking to each other in racial terms.

Whom do we blame for this & other so-called national tragedies? One of the town's fat cats, who has renamed himself Jonathan Pemberton Citizens United III, put his cigar out in his butler's uncomplaining palm & told reporters in a stage whisper, "I will make more money rebuilding this bridge with serfs than with union members!" He then left for his morning jog & circus taunt.

Where then are the common people in this? The amount of free jelly distributed by the churches cannot & will not be tabulated by government regulators. One protestor's sign, which read, "An itch is not always accompanied by an scratch," won an award for Best Margin, while three journalists attempt to master the Etch-O-Sketch. We are happy to report that, so far, no narwhals have been harmed.

News Item! Cheese Mite Scandal!

Sad little news correspondents on a limited budget gathered in Modesto yesterday to win praise & blame from various corporate headhunters attending the annual Blood Sport Convention, sponsored by every cola on the market. This year's protestor, a fellow named Ted with a tattoo of a spider on his forehead on his neck, half-heartedly held a sign at the door that read in big red letters "Peace Of Mind!" There were reports of violence & lawbreaking, but they came from within the Modesto Convention Center.

Know-it-all science person Edwin Fancypants discussed the probabilities on access television: "First came radio, then television, then internets. Ever-so-slowly the blanket of information swaddled us, while time & corruption burped us, & that left only the leaflet of spanking to mush up the applesauce of learning & spoon it into our toothless, ever-wailing mouths of time."

Sometimes when you see a woman weeping on the street, they are tears of joy. Bringing the criminal justice system into a conversation or a family matter complicates things, especially if there are people in pantsuits with clipboards. One scholarly wag defied noted etymologist Charles Würd & declared, "All my speaking components can be traced back to Middle High Frisian!" & won a spot on a daytime television commercial.

But will the city settle for synthetic cheddar until the cheese mites can elect a new village elder? The children express their disapproval by stomping their feet & airing their parents' dirty laundry. The forbidden words "import/export" refuse to leave the lips of the more prudent, & of course it's the lactose intolerant who, as history bears cold witness to, suffer the most.

News Item! An Introduction To Slovenly Prostitution!

Thanks to the "Great Recession," the relatively easy-to-imagine occupation of prostitution may be granted "equal status" among other serf-like employments as clerk & person-who-fetches-things. Economists with low self-esteem have begun writing dirges to imagined fallen comrades, replete with exotic venereal diseases. Scores of terrifyingly made-up women whose only job hurdle was once the remoteness of logging concerns have now found themselves in major American cities.

Said one bespectacled fellow on the occasion of an understaffed news report: "Certainly new ideas ought & should be considered alongside the old ideas which we have frankly lost respect for. In this century, let it not be said we abandoned castles & keeps, but that we fortified like a daily vitamin the nutritiousness of our malnourished American system with the most important meal of the soul."

As expected, biker groups & the asthmatic have proven worthy adversaries in online simulations. The popularity of television-show-flavored mints & ammunition fueled speculation among the declining & the so inclined about whether "this" might make it all the way to "their town." A meeting of Republican governors resulted in a predictable arm-wrestling match, as well as three reported cases of pink eye.

Who among the citizenry might cleverly arrange the flowers of our times into a vast rainbow conspiracy? Even those who can't believe that John Denver is dead still manage to spend too much time looking but not touching. So too the woes of a country in a state of disarray have come to feel like a portly dentist faced with the meth-mouth of history. As expectations are properly bandied about, neutral observers watch, learn, & otherwise look a little smug.

New Items! Gas Stoves Of The Future!

A new study by one well-known political group that no one has bothered to discredit has those Americans who fondly remember Grit (America's family newspaper) well & truly up in arms. The flashpoint appears to be a small poem about natural gas "fracking" placed underneath a drawing of a brassiere from a 1895 Sears & Roebuck Catalog, sent as an attachment to an email advertising some coupon savings plan. It is, one source said, the worst disaster among America's excitable elderly since Medicare Part D got all freaky.

One senior group, Americans Who Are Older Than They Look, has sent out a press release in a bottle cast upon the waves of dissent. One member's grandson explained, "He was happy & he just got settled into the home, & now this? Will you look at this room?" A consultant & part-time representative for some seeing-eye dogs made the mistake of using words like "telegram" & "orgy" in mixed company, & was given a stern talking to, as well an elbow in the groin. Staff at the local mixed-media centers have frankly never seen anything like it.

"You see this all the time," staff member Edna Purviance, no relation except the name to the great silent film actress, said. "In the streets, on the avenues, down the boulevards & up the alleys." A member of the town's corrupt but likeable constabulary refused to comment, although he did give everyone a little half-sized business card which is apparently all the fashion, & which had a picture of him holding a taser & his blog's URL.

Sitting on their hands in Washington, sometimes with a male model nearby, the nation's Congressfolk have picked the absolute right time to ignore this. The cable news networks as well as the nation's modest but scrappy syndicate of late-night cable-access shows have chosen to invest heavily on scrying & other forms of fortune-telling. Reports have come in that that, as well as the fact that every night they really need to walk the dogs, will rob this issue of the momentum needed for resolution.

News Item! Your ID Card Is Your Only Friend!

The National Identity Administration, in association with the Bureau Of Personality, has announced the issuance of brand-new, holographic, only slightly radioactive ID cards, which you will need to carry with you at all times, especially if you intend to enter Sectors 1 through 94, or if you intend to rely upon the government for all your potable water needs.

A statement released anonymously by some fellow we suspect is Frank Butler, who lives on King Street in a very handsome ranch-style home which was built in the mid-1970s, asserts that the new ID cards will make you more popular with the opposite sex, if that is your wont, and will also keep police, palace security, and leftover Pinkertons from beating you to a pulp with truncheons if you display it when asked.

Critics who have been silenced point out that many of the new ID cards have incorrect photographs on them, many of them in fact resembling the photos one finds in new wallets of models posing as family members. This should not be a problem, since those checking the IDs will not be looking at any pictures. All security personnel have been trained in olfactory techniques which allow them with 72% accuracy to "sniff out" fraudulent cards. Beware of police officers with colds!

To obtain your new ID card, simply get in line at the new Identification Center in your neighborhood. There should be one on every street corner by the end of this week. Do not attempt to communicate with anyone until you get your new card. One the back are suitable topics for conversation which you can use when the next new ID card is issued in six weeks.

Remember to bring your coupons and have correct change if possible.

News Item! The Return Of The Euphemism

It's been too long, but the euphemism has apparently returned, and among its colleagues, it could not have been too soon.

"Oh indeed," said longtime friend Dooney, who stopped what he was doing long enough to talk to cameras. "I remember the first time, actually, which was the same as the last time. That's how important it's been and how much we've been feeling the lack."

Unrelated to the story, a series of disappearances of the nation's silverware continues to baffle both amateur laundromats and the ethical.

The euphemism could not be reached for comment, but you could leave a message with his service, who are very professional and businesslike and do not sound at all like they're in Nepal, which they are.

The President, who had spent some time with the euphemism before, during and usually after college, pretended not to hear the question when asked. When asked later what exactly the question was, the news squire who had asked it demurred.

The euphemism is reported to be in talks with the estate of Victor Mature about a possible collaboration.

Maynard Holtz & The Limits Of Human Incompetence

Who was Smiley Man Smiley? The answers surprised no one. From a day spa in Oklahoma City's controversial "strip mall district" (also known as "Oklahoma City") to the oil-spattered shores of Angola (specifically Sumbe, but it could be true for Benguela as well) messages were sent, unencrypted, in briefcases & pinned to children's shirts so they wouldn't forget. "Amortization" was the magic word & every other default was someone else's fault. The other every other? The authorities would come to blame Maynard Holtz.

Known socially for casting & filming his own birthdays since he was twelve, Holtz employed a "plumber" (which was a code name for a real plumber with a gay ponytail who owned a sniper rifle signed by Charles Whitman) discovered in a mercenary magazines & the new, non-digest-sized TV Guide, who was known as Smiley Man Smiley. Smiley Man Smiley himself employed a cadre of Jim Croce impersonators who operated out of a studio known as the Bad Bad Leroy Brown building but who, as far as authorities could ascertain, were never hired to perform any of the soft-rock star's hits at parties, private functions, or clubs. It was suspected, of course, that they were the "plumber's friends," which made them the laughingstock of all meetings of the United Cover Bands Union, where they found relief only when the members of a suburban Foreigner tribute band would attend.

Holtz was seen cavorting (although other witnesses would claim he was carousing) with Smiley Man Smiley during at least three commercial breaks when Oklahoma City denizens would come out of their condominium cubicles to sit politely at a bar & watch three-fourths of an episode of "The Sons Of Anarchy" at a time. Holtz himself welcomed these diversions from continual church attendance, but never danced nor drank nor pinky-swore, as was sometimes the custom. The three confirmed conversations with Smiley Man Smiley would begin as shouting matches, but soon settled into what bartender Robert Magoo called "a huddle." This proved to be wise: with the two men so entangled, no one could hear what they discussed.

No one but Oklahoma City ATF Agent Jeremy Slow. Slow made his fortune by installing restrooms in Oklahoma City gas stations, & happened to be at Willard's Gas & Snax, the same gas station where pigeons were first cloned, when he saw a scribbling on the wall of one of his famous men's rooms, which read something like, "For a good time, call the Division Of Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms." One short night course later, he had been put in charge of the agency's Malignancy Division. Though short of funds & staff - he was allowed only twenty dollars a day & a faithful sidekick who had lost his ability to discern sarcasm at Waco - Slow noticed Smiley Man Smiley at a famous dog breeder's funeral, &, followed him after the chaos that ensued when they attempted to inter the man's dogs in his tomb. The commotion was caused by the fact that the dogs were still very much alive.

Smiley Man Smiley thought he had lost the plucky ATF rookie, but Slow had slipped into an adult video store where, it turned out, Maynard Holtz had his own private booth. Often confusing it for a confessional, Holtz told the Asian peep show dancers everything, including his bloody oil dealings in Angola, his numerous failed attempts to blackmail actual stars to appear on "Dancing With The Stars," & the financial deals which had him purchasing mortgages for disaffected Mexican drug lords, who mainly just wanted an in-ground pool & perhaps a nice little bungalow, somewhat away from the property, where they could keep their mothers-in-law fat & happy.

As expected, Holtz gave up everyone, especially Smiley Man Smiley, who, as you doubtless know, turned out to be none other than Roger Chillingworth, the antagonist of Nathaniel Hawthorne's masterpiece of sin & guilt, The Scarlet Letter. Being a fictional character, he was not allowed to take the stand, but it is said he still visits Maynard Holtz in his day-prison, & often gives him rides home at night, where the two stare bewilderedly at Holtz's ankle-bracelet monitor & get a little angry when commercials interrupt their favorite sitcom reruns.

As a post-script, Jeremy Slow, fresh from his first & only triumph as an ATF agent, quit the agency & now lives as a retired steamboat captain in land-locked Missoula, Montana.

The Sad News

Yes, newspapers are dying a horrible death, while American culture, unable to see truth past ideology, crippled by a financial crisis exacerbated both caused & "helped" by greedy moneyed people insensitive & apathetic to anyone or anything but their class, their corporate overlords, & their bottom line, falls sadly to pieces, to be replaced by who knows what, & in the middle of it all, forces more sinister than even those (whose evil is banal & whose appetite is vulgar & obvious) seek to replace some standard of justice & right with twisted hurt & sadistic want - friends, the future has never looked more bleak. Not, of course, if you weren't aware of the War On Sailing.

Sadly, the War On Sailing radio show is no more. While I would love to blame it on pressure from above, or sneaky corporate misdirection, or confounding & scheming from within, the fact is, the War On Sailing offices are in need of tidying & relocation. I will attempt to update the playlists for the final two months in the near future, & continue to compose and collate dispatches from the front, & the back, & probably the sides. It may be too much to expect dispatches from the seedy underbelly, which is how one client got impetigo, & of course it's just unpleasant to get dispatches from the rear.

Will it reemerge at some point? I wonder myself. Just stay tuned.

"War On Sailing" Playlist March 15, 2009

This was a very long show during a very short Spring Break. & that's the long & short of it.

Screw Radio: "I'm A Generation X" from I'm A Generation X
Roots Manuva: "C.R.U.F.F." from Slime & Reason
Blacklisted Individuals: "Fist Full Of Strife" from Fist Full Of Strife
Volcano Suns: "Four Letters" from All-Night Lotus Party

Matmos: "Count Tweakula (Donnacha Costello Remix)" from American Breakbeat Rebuilt
Sleepy Eyes Of Death: "Shattered Limbs" from Dark Signals
Bad Sports: "All The Time" from All The Time
Howlies: "Dirty Woman" from Trippin' With Howlies
Broken Family Band: "The Booze & The Drugs" from Balls

The Bad Plus: "Variation d'Apollon" from For All I Care
Headhunters: "Rima" from Survival Of The Fittest
Jean-Luc Ponty: "Rhum 'n' Zouc" from Tchokola
Amon Düül II: "Archangels Thunderbird" from Yeti
Lejeune: "Replaced By Robots" from For Club & Country

Ruth Copeland: "Suburban Family Lament" from Gimme Shelter: The Invictus Sessions
King Clarentz: "Martha Stewart" from Day Of The Supermodel
Jerry Lewis: "Sunday Driving" from Jerry Lewis: Capitol Collector's Series
Carrots: "Secret Since '99" from Local Live Volume 13: Stimulus Package
Built By Snow: "All The Weird Kids Know" from Mega

P.O.S.: "Savion Glover" from Never Better
Illustrate: "Winter Lady" from The Stuff
AYB M.O.D.: "Turn Back The Clock" from G.A.M.M Allstars Doin James
Philip Glass: "Island" from Glassworks
Gourds: "Foggy Blossom (Mechanical Bride)" from Cow Fish Fowl Or Pig

Arborea: "Onto The Shore" from House Of Sticks
Depth Affect" from Modellbilder: "Little Darla Has A Treat For You, Vol. 24: Endless Summer Edition
Michna: "Triple Chrome Dipped" from Ghostly Swim
The Great Luke Ski: "What's Up Spock?" from Unconventional

Kasai Allstars: "Katuulu Balu" from Congotronics 3: In The 7th Moon, The Chief Turned Into A Swimming Fish & Ate The Head Of His Enemy By Magic
Badawi: "Enter The Heretic" from The Heretic Of Ether
Guild League: "Mouse Vs Mountain" from Speak Up
Lucksmiths: "Good Light" from First Frost

Bertha "Chippie" Hill: "Trouble In Mind" from Fattenin' Frogs For Snakes: The Essential Recordings Of The Blues Ladies
Lightnin' Hopkins: "Gamblers Blues" from Devil's Blues
Clarence Pinetop Smith: "Jump Steady Blues" from Piano Boogie Woogie Vol. 2
T-Bone Walker: "Mean Old World" from Colored

Bran Flakes: "I Comb My Hair Sideways" from I Have Hands
Aurora Plastics Company: "No Place For Restriction" from No Place For Restriction
The Thoughts: "1235" from Consider The Bear
Eugene Mirman: "Joking & Lying/Jack In The Box/Extreme Bowling" from En Garde, Society!
Abe Vigoda: "Don't Lie" from Reviver EP

The Belleville Outfit: "Caroline" from Wanderin'
Klaus Nomi: "Metronomi" from Za Bakdaz
Billie Holiday: "Gloomy Sunday" from Lady Day: The Best Of Billie Holiday
Blue Giant: "Lonely Girl" from Target Heart EP

Charles Spearin: "Mrs. Morris" from The Happiness Project
Los Destellos: "Para Elisa" from The Roots Of Chicha: Psychedelic Cumbias From Peru
MC Solaar: "Paris Samba" from Chapitre 7
Dadamnphreaknoizphunk: "Waiting (feat. Jen)" from The Cheerleaders Are Smiling At You

The War On Sailing. Detailed & delineated Sundays 7 to 9am on KVRX Austin.

"War On Sailing" Playlist March 8, 2009

Some people, I hear tell, can recreate radio shows from playlists in the same way baseball fans can recreate ball games from the descriptions in the little boxes in the newspapers. This playlist, then, is for those people.

Ryan Lee Crosby: "Nicoline" from Out To Dry
One Happy Island: "Shorthand" from Promotional Sampler
Mystic Zephyrs: "It's Much Too Soon" from Maybe
Tanya Donelly & Dylan In The Movies: "The Lovecats" from Just Like Heaven

Dim Dim" from Riri: "Little Darla Has A Treat For You - Volume 17
Squarepusher: "The Coathanger" from Just A Souvenir
Hypnoz: "Generation Qui En Veut" from Compte Avec Moi
Bran Flakes: "Dance Of The Sugarsnap Fairy" from I Have Hands
Yusef Lateef: "Nile Valley Blues" from Reevaluations: The Impulse Years
Fight Bite: "Age Of Faith" from Emerald Eyes

Johnny Dollar: "Action Packed" from Gene Vincent Cut Our Songs: Primitive Texas Rockabilly & Honky Tonk
Gary Numan: "Me! I Disconnect From You" from BBC Sessions
Amar Singh Chamkila: "Jija Lak Min Le" from Kings & Queens - The Best Panjabi Roots Music
Billy Eckstine & His Orchestra: "I Love The Rhythm In A Riff" from The Savoy Story
Academy Of St. Martin-In-The-Fields Under Neville Marriner: "W.A. Mozart: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik (Serenade), K. 525; 1st. Movement" from Amadeus: Original Soundtrack Special Edition: Directors Cut

Lee Fields: "Problems" from Problems
The Final Solution: "Girl In My Life" from Brotherman Soundtrack
Norman Rose: "Deteriorata" from Greatest Hits Of The National Lampoon
Robyn Hitchcock & The Venus Three: "What You Is" from Goodnight, Oslo
Abashed: "Exploitation Is Cool!" from Green Light Go!

Dent May & His Magnificent Ukulele: "College Town Boy" from The Good Feeling Music Of...
The Colours: "Helplessly Hoping" from Colours
Ezra Weiss: "Get Happy" from Get Happy
Peanuts Hucko: "Memories Of You" from Peanuts Hucko - Vol. 2

Elder Utah Smith: "Two Wings & Every Man's Got To Lay Down & Die" from I Got Two Wings
Claude Rains: "Joseph & His Coat Of Many Colors" from Bible Stories For Children
Ashra: "Deep Distance" from New Age Of Earth

You don't just have to do for this show, either. There are more at kvrx.org. Your brain will bleed.

"War On Sailing" Playlist March 1, 2009

Do I look fat in this playlist?

Bosque Brown: "Train Song" from Baby
Blue Giant: "Lonely Girl" from Target Heart EP
La Fille d'Erne: "Ta Petite Amie (I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend)" from Ramones Forever: An International Tribute
Howlies: "Sea Level" from Trippin' With Howlies
Big Sonny & His Furies: "Fail Safe" from Fail Safe

Distant Seconds: "Half A Believer" from Spectral Evidence
The Juan MacLean: "One Day" from The Future Will Come
Mux Mool: "Night Court" from Ghostly Swim
Spoonie Gee: "The Big Beat" from The Big Beat
Captain Dan & The Scurvy Crew: "Hook It Up" from Rimes Of The Ancient Mariners

Freddy Kempf: "Impromptu No. 4 In C Sharp Minor, Op. 66, 'Fantaisie-impromptu'" from Chopin: 4 Ballades / Polonaise-Fantaisie / Fantaisie-Impromptu
Glenn Miller & His Orchestra: "Song Of The Volga Boatmen" from A Legendary Performer
Frank Teschemacher (with Eddie Condon & Quartet): "Indiana" from Clarinet Masters
George Wild Child Butler: "Axe & The Wind" from Willie Dixon - Mr Dixon's Workshop

Kutumba: "Maitighar" from Folk Roots
Rokia Traore: "Kounandi" from Tchmantche
Charles Steven Page: "Suddenly" from Bizarro Compilation #1
Juni Jarvi: "If We Just Want To" from Wherever Thou Art

Del Reeves: "Barroom Talk" from Friends & Neighbors
Salesman: "Beekeeper" from Sweetheart
Rattlesnake Cooper: "Rattlesnake Blues" from Howling Wolf Blues: The Story Of Talent & Star Talent
Johnny Nicholas: "Tell Me Why" from Bocce Boogie

Earthtribe: "Indian Dope Trick" from Indian Dope Trick
Spaceships Are Cool: "Let Things Go" from Spaceships Are Cool
Robert Tilton: "Singing In Tongues" from Jesus Made Me Do It Volume 2
Fishboy: "Talking To The Doctor After Pressing The Elevator Button That Grew On Your Forehead Overnight Causing Your Legs To Grow Uncontrollably" from Zipbangboom

You'd tell me, right? Right?

"War On Sailing" Playlist February 22, 2009

I heard tell of a President's Day like no other, where all the famous dead presidents appeared in a deejay's head, & he woke up only slightly more confused than he normally did, it being 6am on a Sunday & only thirty minutes since he went to bed. Then, without warning, he played this music on the radio:

Bennis Hess: "Novelty Yodel" from Wild Hog Hop
Pains Of Being Pure At Heart: "Come Saturday" from Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
Tears Run Rings: "Send Me Back" from Always, Sometimes, Seldom, Never
Dear Nora: "The Sign Of The Times" from Three States: Rarities 1997-2007

Yuksek: "Break Ya" from Away From The Sea
Powerfunk: "Kill Your Children" from Pie!
Roxanne Shante: "Let's Rock Y'all" from Bad Sister
Femi Kuti: "Do You Know" from Day By Day
Oto Psoa: "Les Chemins d'Allahabad" from Asian Vibes
The Appleseed Cast: "Like A Locus (Shake Hands With The Dead)" from Sagarmatha

Buddy Tate: "Texas Twister" from Buddy Tate: The Texas Twister
Ernie K-Doe: "Here Come The Girls" from New Orleans Funk
Original Dixieland Jazz Band: "Livery Stable Blues" from The First Jazz Recordings, 1917-1921
Harry Simeone Chorale: "Onward Christian Soldiers" from The Ember Records Story Volume 1

Bronnt Industries Kapital: "Underground" from Haxan
Bell Telephone Labs: "Computer Speech" from Computer Speech
Lucksmiths: "California In Popular Song" from First Frost
Sally Timms: "Dreaming Cowboy" from Cowboy Sally's Twilight Laments... For Lost Buckaroos

The Secret History: "The Ballad Of The Haunted Hearts" from Desolation Town EP
This Microwave World: "In Hospital" from The Same Things Kill Your Kids
Sad Day For Puppets: "Marble Gods" from Unknown Colors

Mrs. L Reed & Mrs T A Duncans: "Light In The Valley" from Goodbye, Babylon
Big Joe Williams: "Coffeehouse Blues" from 55 Years Of Blues
Lee Hunter: "Back To Santa Fe" from Down Home Blues Classics 1943-1953
Sidike Diabate, Batrou Sekou & Djelimedi Sissoko: "Asumuka" from African Roots
Xela: "You Are In The Stars" from Tangled Wool

Where did this happen? Perhaps you didn't hear it, but you can find it on Sundays from 7 to 9am on 91.7 fm KVRX Austin.