A Short Biography Of A Cumbersome Man

Randolph Fol De Rol (1917 - 1971) was a stout young lass who survived three wars & two sex change operations to become the Field Marshall in charge of Mice at the Paris Vivisection Institute (L'Institute De Vivisection A La Paris) in the turbulent sixties. He is chiefly remembered for a prank he pulled on a visiting Charles De Gaulle that won him the Order Of Paris (L'Order Du Paris) medal, but toward the end of his life he wrote a series of insightful books that make him of particular interest to scholars of the War On Sailing.

Fol De Rol was born in Absence, Wyoming, to a family of Rotarians with strong ties to the barbed-wire fence industry. Young Randolph, or "Betty," as he was often known, ran away from home to watch the Reichtag burn during the first difficult years of the Depression, then settled in France just as it was occupied by Nazis. He then fled to Germany, but, realizing his mistake, thought it prudent instead to hide in a P.O.W. camp. This was the famous Stalag 13 &, despite him being a fictional character, Colonel Hogan took Fol De Rol under his wing & helped him escape to occupied Poland.

In Poland, Fol De Rol suffered untimely potato intoxication & was forced to undergo the then-popular "Fat Boy" exercise therapy in the steppes of Russia. Unfortunately, Fol De Rol's bad luck continued when he fell down the Steppes & ended up in Moscow, forced to serve as Stalin's letter opener & part-time dartboard. It was at this time, when Fol De Rol was privvy to some of the Soviet Union's greatest secrets, that he wrote his famous confessional novel, "I Moscow Quickly," in which he defended communism as "not so much a form of government as a nice idea to win arguments with." Though the novel was never published inside the Soviet Union, it did get a small engagement at a nightclub in Ghent, Belgium, where it gained a cult following & even (it's rumored) jammed with Keith Richards.

After Stalin's death, Fol De Rol hitched a ride on a westbound train going east & ended up in Japan just in time for lunch. Though already a natural philosopher, Fol De Rol tried to pass himself off as an ambassador, & then later, at the same buffet, the ambassador's wife, but he was laughed out of Kyoto society & forced to take a job at a Shinto temple selling iced sushi to tourists. Feeling his age (he was now in his forties), he proposed to several women & a couple of ladyboys, but the years had not been kind of Fol De Rol, & no one was able to find him attractive. He remained single the rest of his life, although he was not above paying for sex if the prostitute had a strong stomach.

It is believed that, on a tramp steamer heading south to the Phillipines, Fol De Rol began connecting the dots & finding the clues which would help him in his studies of the War On Sailing. In the early 60's he taught Sex Ed at the University of Manila, & later, Home Ec at the University of Hawaii at Honolulu. He returned to Wyoming in time to bury his father, then fled the country when authorities discovered his father was alive at the time. On advice from Roman Polanski, he asked for asylum in Spain. It was rejected; however, dumb luck intervened, & Fol De Rol's father's body was lost in the chain of custody, causing the charges to be dropped for Fol De Rol, & allowing many episodes of Law & Order to use the event as a plot twist.

Fol De Rol was just learning how to pronounce the name of the city of Mainz when he got word of his Paris appointment. He arrived in the City Of Lights (La Citee Du Lites) in January 1968, & took to his job with great enthusiasm, once even dissecting a mouse with his eyes closed & using only his teeth. He was well-liked & he liked his work.

However, French mice discovered that Fol De Rol was using non-union rodents & took him to court. The case dragged on for many months. Fol De Rol's health declined &, though he won the case, he left his position a broken man. Woman. Man-woman. Thing. Whatever he/she/it was. He published many screeds, each hinting at a greater, unifying novel, but his seriousness was questioned by friends & admirers because he kept referring to it as "my unfinished manuscript."

He never finished The 1972 French/English Calendar, but portions of it exist on the Internet & in every other Half Price Books. In particular, the section which details how corporate "scientists" abet the players in the War On Sailing is considered brilliant. Especially after you correct the spelling errors. Of which there are a lot. You'd never know that this dude's first language was English. For fuck's sake.

His death came as no surprise. Tragically, he died at his lab & his corpse was eaten by seven thousand spiteful lab rats.

He does live on in his work. We thank him for that & celebrate his name.