Factual Truth! Extended Diaphonous Courtesies!

The number of sports teams in the contiguous United States has now more than quadrupled in earnings & emptiness. But did you know there was a time when a stick was a stick & a ball was a bearing? In a newly published "imagined historical treatise," Professor Kenneth Smash, DDS, attempts to trace the pantsless & sportsless United States of the Jeffersonian era to today, when sports instead of pants is the rule.

Critics are already spotty. An amateur chimney sweep & ESDN broadcaster who shall remain noseless has weighed in at two-hundred twenty-three pounds: "It's as fair as you can imagine but if you're going to get into a fight dude don't pick a fight with a judge, referee, umpire, or clown." The Americana Parcels, in a budge match with the O Canadian Pukes, issued separate statements of intent.

As summer turns overlappingly to autumn, meteorologists took time off from caffeine to meet in St. Louis for Judy Garland's sake. Ted "Doppler" Dopeler, winner of the prestigious "Colored Radar Stick" at last year's Weather Emmys, mentioned that history is not nor should be his strong suit: "You've heard that saying, right? If you don't like the weather around here, then fuck you!"

Can we learn from realities that really don't exist? Theologians look around furtively but prefer instead to have some tea. As websites explode with "other timelines," the profitable & obviously sleazy world of organized sporting prefers to look ahead to the next paycheck - & the next opportunity. Nerf Salesman Kermit Blurb says what others could be thinking: "If I didn't have sports, I might have other, better facts in my head."

Factual Truth! A History Of Long Names!

While everyone can name their first & most famous "long name," the Terrence Snoot Department at the on-air University of Curls has introduced its bold initiative, "The No Less Than Seven Syllable Project." Director of the center, Hans Dicks, explained, "Is this mic on?" His assistant, the quite striking Kate Quake, added, "See that red light? If the red light's on, the camera's on."

Not to be outdone, Chinese researchers chose instead to focus on the country's energy needs. Yet in India, where the Devanagari script has rebounded on the country's Linguist Market, huge strides have been made to increase the length of historic places by adding more attractive vowel sounds. Two factions have arose, but lack of funding & the need for more time with their respective families has so far prevented conflict.

Europe, too, has thrown their threadbare hat into the ring. Enlisting powerful Welsh elocutionists, the EU (European Utterers) has begun referring to thousands of place names with many more sounds than apparently necessary. Public reaction is mixed - the National Society Of No Time To Do That in Belgium has threatened, when available, to oppose this, while the Direction Givers Of Spain have embraced the change with gusto.

The President, aware of the United States' slipping rhetorical reputation, has asked his party to introduce a bill in Congress, or generally wherever the party may be, to rename Washington, DC, to a difficult (& frankly unprintable) fifteen-syllable tongue twister. As usual, the opposition has gone on television to discredit the idea, thereby creating hundreds of hilarious clips of stupid old men trying ridiculously to repeat the name.

The world has expressed its intense admiration.