As the fifth unnamed choir leader is arrested this week for treason, churches with their own television stations are up in arms. Pastor John Plenty told an audience the Neilsen company estimated as "few" with the condition "if any" that he's "nearly out of his asthma medication" & "I do not, according to Bible precepts, tell my wife everything I am doing." The Christian blogosphere ate just enough till they were full.
This underlies the troubled relationship Americans have with cluttered faith. A diagnostician with the United Airlines Mock Medical Team told the Neww Yorkk Timess that he "didn't know scalpels blades were that sharp ouchy!" In tears, a mother of four told a father of six that too many people see colored maps of the world these days, but not enough know the secret story of Rand McNally, his wife Sally, & their hero dog Pally.
While certainly not justifying putting the words "Christian" & "cinema" together in any meaningful way, young digital camera auteur Burt Christ refuses to believe recycling isn't a scam. "Recycling, bicycling, streptocycline - aren't they all just made up by the devil or his Uncle Sam?" he said to a wall near his apartment. "Until the people of this country wake up, I will not reattach the snooze button to my alarm."
All in all, Americans love their televisions but treat them like their pets. Television on the other hand has settled out of court with the strippers they met in 2009. Both thrive on scandal, yet one also needs a daily fix of fast food advertisements. Does this explain how some Christian churches manage to foster unrest, terrorism, leprosy, hangnail? The President's Blue Ribbon Panel will undoubtedly forget to ask.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
News Item! Does No One Remember Canada?
As an example or exercise, use the search engine of your choice and see if you can find Vancouver. At 6:43 am this morning, in a heavy downpour & with no hesitation whatsoever, oversleeping cartographers everywhere experienced what their spouses called "either an anticlimactic spasm or a half-hearted panic attack." The reason? Says Mason Longe, a Denver cartographer & pineapple spokesperson, "I couldn't find Canada!"
Several Canadians attempted to talk to the press but were not understood due to thick Newfoundland accents. One zookeeper, who was looking for a famous missing leopard in a New Jersey brothel, gladly sang to reporters & showed a tattoo of Chris Christie that he had himself drawn on his stomach. "I once sat through an entire television show filmed in Canada," he said. "Never again."
The President, who was bravely fighting off zombies in front of an unnamed model train store, refused to put down his shotgun & comment. The opposition, engaged in cosplay based on the new "Li'l Reagan" cartoon on Fox News, were both furious & pusillanimous. The Dungeons & Dragons game at Carl Thompson's house went off without a hitch - unless you count Teddy Hickens eating all the barbecue Pringles which Carl totally does.
Realizing they could now vote on their phone for pennies a serving, some teenagers refused to believe that there ever was a Canada. "Maybe it was an inside job," said Melody Hogg of Poughkeepsie, New York. "Like the Lincoln assassination. Or the Lincoln bedroom." More legislation will be proposed in Oregon, as usual. You can open the door now - it's only climate scientists & they've promised to be good.
Several Canadians attempted to talk to the press but were not understood due to thick Newfoundland accents. One zookeeper, who was looking for a famous missing leopard in a New Jersey brothel, gladly sang to reporters & showed a tattoo of Chris Christie that he had himself drawn on his stomach. "I once sat through an entire television show filmed in Canada," he said. "Never again."
The President, who was bravely fighting off zombies in front of an unnamed model train store, refused to put down his shotgun & comment. The opposition, engaged in cosplay based on the new "Li'l Reagan" cartoon on Fox News, were both furious & pusillanimous. The Dungeons & Dragons game at Carl Thompson's house went off without a hitch - unless you count Teddy Hickens eating all the barbecue Pringles which Carl totally does.
Realizing they could now vote on their phone for pennies a serving, some teenagers refused to believe that there ever was a Canada. "Maybe it was an inside job," said Melody Hogg of Poughkeepsie, New York. "Like the Lincoln assassination. Or the Lincoln bedroom." More legislation will be proposed in Oregon, as usual. You can open the door now - it's only climate scientists & they've promised to be good.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
News Item! Time For Children In The Holidays!
New computer applications can teach your children to tell the time in nautical miles, reports Consumer Consumer magazine. It's all part of the Autumn Christmas Fashion issue, available on bookshelves & of course in your grocer's freezer. A sneak peek inside the four thousand page, glossy-sided, highly combustible periodical reveals many pages intentionally left blank.
What of the families in today's economy who don't know how to make a stew with only a catalog & a handful of weeds? One charity program based out of an Evangelical church in a Mormon's basement in Dallas, Texas, provides a daily meal to the homeless consisting of a buttered bun & a small piece of candy stolen from a doctor's office. Complaints are met with a sharpened crucifix poked up against the jugular.
"We can't rely on churches to feed us," said famous fat person Link Download, "& of course the government forgot to hang up the phone so all we get is a busy signal. The solution is rich people!" He stood on a bluff outside Bob Dylan's Malibu estate as he instructed a ragtag group of hobos, the disenfranchised, the dispossessed, & other classic rock fans to camp on his lawn until the singer-songwriter brought them the menu.
With nearly one in every other obvious group of children in clear distress, statisticians have a lot to answer for. An administration executioner declined to discuss leaked plans for another round of economic poisonings, citing the opposition party's strange glee in killing their own. As Christmas approaches, then, the laughter of Santa Claus may for many be the uneasy sound of a priest giggling at you.
What of the families in today's economy who don't know how to make a stew with only a catalog & a handful of weeds? One charity program based out of an Evangelical church in a Mormon's basement in Dallas, Texas, provides a daily meal to the homeless consisting of a buttered bun & a small piece of candy stolen from a doctor's office. Complaints are met with a sharpened crucifix poked up against the jugular.
"We can't rely on churches to feed us," said famous fat person Link Download, "& of course the government forgot to hang up the phone so all we get is a busy signal. The solution is rich people!" He stood on a bluff outside Bob Dylan's Malibu estate as he instructed a ragtag group of hobos, the disenfranchised, the dispossessed, & other classic rock fans to camp on his lawn until the singer-songwriter brought them the menu.
With nearly one in every other obvious group of children in clear distress, statisticians have a lot to answer for. An administration executioner declined to discuss leaked plans for another round of economic poisonings, citing the opposition party's strange glee in killing their own. As Christmas approaches, then, the laughter of Santa Claus may for many be the uneasy sound of a priest giggling at you.
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