Factual Truth! Same Time But Twice As Long!

The customization of the American television experience appears stalled out with the advent of mind-altering commercials. Too few people remember where they were when John Ritter died. In one study, the sex drive was amusingly confused with hunger.

Four-time Olympic hopeful Stamp Craig remembers the last time he endorsed a product. "Someone approached me with some food on a stick," he said, "& proceeded to paint a picture involving javelins & big booty girls in bikinis." He added, "It was the opposite of erotic."

Advertising executive Sam Jerky disagrees. "Whatever we say is sexy," he said, "is sexy. We create sexy. We once made eating a baby hippo sexy. How? We just did. A supermodel with a fork & spoon & even if she was crying it was sexy. Children downloaded it. That's sexy."

Children's rights groups could not be reached as it was recess time. One child who was, for good reason, left behind, pretended he was an extra on "Modern Family" & made faces that amused the production assistants in the crowd. Interns made bets on the intensity of his mother's obesity.

Where America's modern "Mad Men" will go from here will be outlined in an informercial on at 3 a.m. (no matter the time zone) from now until mid-July. Meanwhile, most regular viewers are encouraged to keep buying as much as possible. Virtually every product is guaranteed a stamp of approval.