Factual Truth! Area Friends Abandon Shaving!

Hirsutism is on the rise in many American cities including non-contiguous ones. While this makes the members of dozens-strong United States Association Of Delipatory Enthusiasts (US-ADE) optimistic, a strong contingent of the Non-Gay Hairdressers Society, as well as Scissors & Razors Unanimous, have pressed government agencies & well-meaning scientists to discover the cause before it's too late.

"I'm not queer!" wonders Atlanta barber-like person Irving Limp. "Just because I cut hair doesn't make me any more homosexual than you holding a notepad makes you a stenographer." His companion, a lovely piece of cheese named Mortimer, added, "You so hairy you like Cousin It hee hee." Customers to Limp's shop, The Straight Razor, have often left with more hair than they had when they arrived.

While physicists admit to hearing about this phenomenon on public radio, biologists & medical doctors play it close to the vest. "So what if some shaggy folks have decided to emerge from wherever the fuzzy live?" murmured famed life science model Dr. Elton Sorry. "Do you really think we give a hoot? What happened to all that government money anyway? Do you sometimes think I'd look better in blue?"

But what of those stricken with this generally uncomfortable condition? What options have are available to them? "We could donate their hair to children without any or little hair," says part-time philanthropist & former head-butter Christine Clocks. "Most children, through no dint of their own, remain stunningly hairless." With few solutions & almost certainly no problems on the horizon, a nation takes its own pulse.

Factual Truth! Trotskyites In Louisiana!

Everyone knows how Leon Trotsky (born Lev Davidovich Bronshtein, 1879-1940) died, but there are, as always, conflicting accounts on how he wiled away the hours. That inconvenient groups often gather to mimic his notorious moustache has been widely attested to, and even imitated in animation, but the rise of "Trotsky Cosplay Clubs" in Louisiana, almost an American state, has caused turmoil there.

Bobby Jindal, not the former governor but a female impersonator with the very same name, is among the fevered many who fear for their parish's livelihood: "Why Trotsky? Why now? Why not Mao? Why not Deng? I've seen the Stalinist Jazz Band down in Norleans, but Trotsky sang off key! Get these rabbits out of my house! I own a mansion & a yacht! If you're going out can you bring me more sugar!"

People who don't apparently have "indoor voices" notwithstanding, professional jailers like local celebrity Burton Gator appeared ambivalent: "Political theory is not my strong suit. My strong suit is armor. Like from King Arthur days. & King Arthur would tell you now, one, stay away from my wife! & two, Marxism was discredited by the rise of telemarketing & the fall of the Soviet fried chicken franchise. The end."

Since it's almost certain these assertions are false & just being reported to rile people up, this reporter has found no Trotskyites in or around the state of Louisiana, despite a few Leninists who have a bait shop in Texarkana. That's why authorities have arrested some long-haired Dungeons & Dragon players & made them confess to being male cheerleaders. As National Guard troops are prank-called, the story remains elusive.