Hirsutism is on the rise in many American cities including non-contiguous ones. While this makes the members of dozens-strong United States Association Of Delipatory Enthusiasts (US-ADE) optimistic, a strong contingent of the Non-Gay Hairdressers Society, as well as Scissors & Razors Unanimous, have pressed government agencies & well-meaning scientists to discover the cause before it's too late.
"I'm not queer!" wonders Atlanta barber-like person Irving Limp. "Just because I cut hair doesn't make me any more homosexual than you holding a notepad makes you a stenographer." His companion, a lovely piece of cheese named Mortimer, added, "You so hairy you like Cousin It hee hee." Customers to Limp's shop, The Straight Razor, have often left with more hair than they had when they arrived.
While physicists admit to hearing about this phenomenon on public radio, biologists & medical doctors play it close to the vest. "So what if some shaggy folks have decided to emerge from wherever the fuzzy live?" murmured famed life science model Dr. Elton Sorry. "Do you really think we give a hoot? What happened to all that government money anyway? Do you sometimes think I'd look better in blue?"
But what of those stricken with this generally uncomfortable condition? What options have are available to them? "We could donate their hair to children without any or little hair," says part-time philanthropist & former head-butter Christine Clocks. "Most children, through no dint of their own, remain stunningly hairless." With few solutions & almost certainly no problems on the horizon, a nation takes its own pulse.
