Glorious Monstrosities

This readily obscured update from the National Foundation for "Science" (their quotes, not ours) brings oblique insights to those of us who follow the genetic mutilation of the human species with mild interest and/or on Instagram.

It seems a fellow of the Foundation named Irene Bean (who isn't a fellow at all, it turns out) has discovered a machine that splices genes in a keen, clean way, using a marine-animal based vaccine (it's from a gelatine substance excreted by the baleen whale), which, when injected into one's spleen will screen any so-called "queen" genes and regress them toward the mean, usually the lean, green state they were when the subject was a teen.  While this unforeseen treatment has been called obscene, its supporters say they don't intend to demean; the say this routine may help intervene with genetic worst-case-scenes.  What does it all mean?  We must wait until they reconvene.

Creditable geneticists have dismissed the report as gobbledygook, while a minority in the field insist it is simply poppycock.  But conspiracy theorists and the mentally bored have allowed it to capture their imaginations and to insist, as we have long suspected, that hospitals are intent on turning our senior citizens into monsters.  Prominent kook Adrian Pisser explains:

"We know that old people are often cannibals, eating their grandchildren kiss by kiss.  We also know they pretend to be frail, the better to sneak into your room and punch you very hard on the chest late at night while you are dreaming of sex.  Further, they complain often about being a drain on our resources and consequently following through.  If I were a scientist, or even a high school graduate, I'd gladly turn these human monsters into inhuman monsters if only for protection from the coming alien outside-invasion."

Calls and emails to the National Foundation for "Science" resulted in a visit from a social worker, who, after eating all of the cookies, promised not to say anything else if we just left them alone.