Panda Crisis Escalated!

From the newswire:

"Continuing Panda Crisis worsening Hollywood Hills! Moreover standard Edward Asner Emmy-Nominated Takeover! Cast-iron Container unusable in Current Predicament! Let's Sandpaper Mutual Protection Team Temporary scanning Opportunity!"

From the editorial pages:

"Never before in the vertiginous heights of alacrity has headline fervor so infected and delighted an impassive populace as the indefatigable pronouncements of the risible news media."

From the on-the-spot commentary:

"Panda pretty! Pretty panda! Panda wanna eucalyptus leaf? Panda wanna? Panda? Wanna? Uh? Uh! My hand! My hand!"

From the bloggers (present company excluded):

"The MSM is AWOL on WTF is happening in CPC. If the PTB haven't LTM, we're still looking at SOL PDQ SVP."

From the man on the woman on the street:

"Panda Crisis? I'm more worried about my wife. I've been standing on her for days & she looks unfazed!"

From the Panda King:

"There will be yet time for bells & whistles. Today, though, more treasure & blood. More treasure & blood my lovelies! More treasure! More blood!"

To be continual!