News Item! More Information About Wresting!

In the crime-ridden sections of San Diego, California, shopping carts full of aluminum cans do not stand abandoned for long. Social workers with just one earring in the left ear & clipboards made out of clear plastic put pen to paper but hesitate & look around. Three officials from the United States Census Bureau, including one who can't help but look like a puffin, chat morbidly outside a condemned building about the recent Comic Con.

"An oxygen-rich diet is fabulous, but you need nitrogen, too," says former mayor & current automaton Ralph Metallic. "You could have been anything that you want to, & I can tell the way you do the things you do." But sandpaper forger & nude model Henry X. Furred sees it another way: "If it wasn't touched by Steve Jobs during his previous life, it's not applicable to my day-to-day."

While churches do not necessarily approve of half-naked youths grappling sweatily with one another while family members look on, the Manly Association Of Youth Pastors has lobbied heavily for adolescent wrestling. A Baptist youth minister from Phoenix, Jack Closet, has even put up a website with himself dressed as Jesus wrestling with pubescent boys in order to drum up support.

But what of the ongoing civil rights violations of Christmas hoarders? No one can say for certain which local non-profit has spent a few dollars looking for a lawyer. There's a drawing of a sea otter at the mouth of a large gutter which delights everyone who espy it. Which is not to say locals don't grumble about this & that; it's just that the air quality, especially from the Pacific, is not what it used to be.

News Item! Crumbling Infrastructure Opportunities!

It's the fourth bridge disaster in as many disasters. We have been told stories of people who like to watch things fall down on an empty stomach, but this record crowd of innocent & frankly quite guilty bystanders has set records for castastrophe attendance in dying Midwestern cities that the Sun Belt will have a hard time topping. Suffice it to say, fried bread sales are through the roof.

A Federal Marshall with a long face & a tie covered with Disney characters kept the peace with gentle verbal sparring & the occasional gunshot to the sky. Local anatomists with powerful binoculars competed in the identification of random body parts & the town's morticians conspired with swimming & drug-sniffing dogs for their own nefarious purposes. The Red Cross stood around talking to each other in racial terms.

Whom do we blame for this & other so-called national tragedies? One of the town's fat cats, who has renamed himself Jonathan Pemberton Citizens United III, put his cigar out in his butler's uncomplaining palm & told reporters in a stage whisper, "I will make more money rebuilding this bridge with serfs than with union members!" He then left for his morning jog & circus taunt.

Where then are the common people in this? The amount of free jelly distributed by the churches cannot & will not be tabulated by government regulators. One protestor's sign, which read, "An itch is not always accompanied by an scratch," won an award for Best Margin, while three journalists attempt to master the Etch-O-Sketch. We are happy to report that, so far, no narwhals have been harmed.

News Item! Cheese Mite Scandal!

Sad little news correspondents on a limited budget gathered in Modesto yesterday to win praise & blame from various corporate headhunters attending the annual Blood Sport Convention, sponsored by every cola on the market. This year's protestor, a fellow named Ted with a tattoo of a spider on his forehead on his neck, half-heartedly held a sign at the door that read in big red letters "Peace Of Mind!" There were reports of violence & lawbreaking, but they came from within the Modesto Convention Center.

Know-it-all science person Edwin Fancypants discussed the probabilities on access television: "First came radio, then television, then internets. Ever-so-slowly the blanket of information swaddled us, while time & corruption burped us, & that left only the leaflet of spanking to mush up the applesauce of learning & spoon it into our toothless, ever-wailing mouths of time."

Sometimes when you see a woman weeping on the street, they are tears of joy. Bringing the criminal justice system into a conversation or a family matter complicates things, especially if there are people in pantsuits with clipboards. One scholarly wag defied noted etymologist Charles Würd & declared, "All my speaking components can be traced back to Middle High Frisian!" & won a spot on a daytime television commercial.

But will the city settle for synthetic cheddar until the cheese mites can elect a new village elder? The children express their disapproval by stomping their feet & airing their parents' dirty laundry. The forbidden words "import/export" refuse to leave the lips of the more prudent, & of course it's the lactose intolerant who, as history bears cold witness to, suffer the most.