Embedded In Video, Written In Smoke

[Excerpted from a lecture by Dr. Cornelius Smelly of the University of South Korea West]

We live today in trying me times. For example, YouTube, the online reservation for video encoded & video streamed. Let us look at several examples of YouTube videos which have recently be highly rated for the entire family.

[Dr Smelly is unable to get his computer to work. A student comes to help, but is beaten away by the coachwhip Dr Smelly carries with him to protect him from undergraduates. A tech person lures Dr Smelly away with a cup of hot saltines, & is able to turn the computer on before Dr Smelly begins to describe the videos to the students.]

Yes. Well. Good. Shall we begin? Here is a cute video of a bear mauling a United States Park Service intern. The bear, as you can see, is well-fed on Funyuns - those snacks that look like onion rings & have a vaguely oniony flavor - have you had them, they're awful - the bear has had them & also an entire three liter serving of Diet A&W Tabasco Cherry Root Beer. The message seems to be that this is not "when animals attack" but simple dyspepsia. Amusing. Next slide.

Did I say "slide"? I meant video. I apologize, I get the vapors from too much mimeographing in the early morning hours.

This is a famous viral video of a vile bureaucrat weeping to a Flux News anchor about how mistreated he feels his President to be. Too much mascara, not enough pathos, you say? Good on you! This is in fact not a bureaucrat but a paid Rotarian in cahoots with the herbicide lobby. A brief examination of the Capitol Building's Men's Room on the third floor at around 2:15 (an hour before the vote on the new Foreignness Bill) would have alerted the media to this shady backroom maneuvering; instead, this became the darling of the late-night & early-morning news cycles. Next slider.

Ah! You'll recognize this! A young man at a political rally berates a former vice-presidential press secretary & is beaten senseless by the gendarmes in front of a student body that must be told when & how to breathe. Serves him right. Serves them right. Next side.

Truly a remarkable piece of reverse propaganda, this is not so much a video as a movie trailer of a video which is currently in production limbo. The film purports to prove that science is run by religious Eskimos who want us all to believe that a "theory" is a "fact" when & only when someone disagrees with it. Please note, that phrase, despite what its advocates say, is not in the Bible nor in the United States Constitution. It is in the non-binding treaty William McKinley signed with the Washington, DC, Boys Of The Cloth Brigade in 1901, but it was written in the margins by McKinley while his shoes were being shined. So it's irrelevant to anyone but sexually abused Catholic boys in the first part of the twentieth century. Do we have any here today? Fine, fine. Next sideline.

Ah! Finally! The truth in its most varnished form! While most scholars agree that the Zapruder film is the most hilarious homemade recording of a famous assassination, this video, purportedly from the near future, features the two presidential candidates of the last American election ever, in 2020, being strangled & choked by a bored electorate burning & dying in the ozone-free air. Many dispute its authenticity, noting that the video features a young William Shatner, but many point to that to prove its authenticity. What's that? You've never seen this one? Ah, well. You will. You will.

Close your books. Put down your pencils. Your test is over.