News Item! Incidents On The Rise!

At the end of the last fiscal quarter, retailers & the abject projected another dismal round of economics jargon. Because someone who has read about the foreclosure crisis is bound to talk loudly, the uselessness of convincing family members was added to the by-laws. Meanwhile, in Osaka, three farmers watched their rice wine ferment.

When if ever did the legal profession hire as many prostitutes as in 2010? Data hidden on the government's computer are not suitable for children or the mentally giddy. One such program in Ames, Iowa, is teaching dollar bills to talk, cry, & fold themselves. It was, it turned out, a good year for organized crime & disorganized religion.

The FCC may ban programmers who chew gum & sing on the air. The current administration, somewhere rated as "impatient" to "hasty," wants more fines but is fine if "fine" is finally redefined to curb inflation. Two celebrity chefs suspected of insulting vegetarians were accidentally fed each other's feces without condiments.

Broadcasters & auto body repairmen alike bemoan our nation's tragic but inevitable declension. It will take more than everyone buying one newspaper a year to save the auto industry. Before this generation leaves its polluted lake of fire to its children, it must pause to reflect on how little is known about the colors on the average map.

News Item! Orlando Vanishes Overnight!

After the excitement of the latest "World Series Of Croquet," thrill-seeking time-killers are chasing another demonstration: high-flying illusionism. One buff fellow with a dyed cowlick explained, "Staying hydrated is fine, but it's just not enough for the mentally bankrupt, the upwardly moderate, or the tail-draggers anymore."

Meeting online & sometimes by your leave, these party-poopers-with-a-purpose delight in learning things & often forgetting them later. One small enclave in Washington Heights has spray-painted its ideas for pseudonyms on the side of the company van for seventeen days straight. Neighborhood vandals have complained to their union.

In downtown Salt Lake City, naked skateboarders frighten passers-by, but do-or-die DIY freak Headly Underwater applauds this audacity in a note read out loud anonymously: "We are passionate people in a passion-fruit world, drinking the very tea of ourselves without sugar or cream. We floss while we drive. Our teeth may be how you identify our corpses!"

With a movie discussed, an audio book listened to, & a new kind of snack to be added to popular "pub mixes," this spunky & vibrant movement predicts it has a future, albeit one that will happen later. Self-described "librarian" Amy Speck has written its "vision plan" on her neck: "It's none of your business how many jazz albums I own!"