Coming To A Recycle Bin Near You

In Retrospect, Connecticut, the organization United Against Douchebaggery (called NAD for some convoluted reason) meets in early July to choose which Christians it will persecute in the coming year. Chairperson Howard Guise explains to reporters that his organization's interest in the persecution of Christians has nothing to do with any philosophy, doctrinal differences, or anything about the religion per se; he just thinks Christians are douchebags.

One of the local reporters, Ted Hankie of the Miniscule, Connecticut, Weekly Evening Ledger, points out that he's known a lot of Jewish people who were total douchebags, & a few of these Muslims he had to interview one time were exemplary in their douchebaggery, & most certainly the entire chapter of the Teabag, Massachusetts, Secular Humanism Society were such douchebags that they were almost dickheads. Why single out Christians, is his pointed question.

Howard Guise acknowledges that fact - he even points out that he himself can be a total grade-A douche when he hasn't had his morning coffee (for example) or when he is grumpy at long NAD meetings. But, he says to the local group, the other groups - muslims, jews, Monty Python fans - they have a history of persecution for just being who they are. Their persecutors didn't bother to get to know them, just beat them up or relocated or killed them because they happened to be born into some religious faith or whatever. Certainly in a case like this, the persecutors couldn't have known whether their victims were douchebags or not. There is therefore a great chance a lot of cool motherfuckers were hurt or murdered needlessly.

But Christians! says Guise. Jesus, to listen to them you'd think they were the most oppressed group in the universe! Instead, of course, they pretty much run everything in America, with politicians lining up to plant loving kisses on their (mostly) pale white asses. All the time, though, they complain. They whine. If someone who so much as looked like a buddhist got interviewed on television, they'd rip open their bibles to find proof the world was ending & they'd soon have to carpool to work with someone of a different denomination. In short, Guise concludes, they're consummate douchebags.

Surely, though, Hankie has to ask, not all Christians!

Of course not, replies Guise. That's why we meet. To decide which ones were particularly douchebaggish this year. Then we send out our crack squad of persecutors to make their lives a living hell.

Another reporter, Marjory Boulder of the MUFON Mutual News (she accidentally came to the wrong event), asks whether or not the people are alerted about their persecution.

Where's the fun in that, chortles Guise, to much laughter from the assembled press corps. No, no, he says, wiping tears from his eyes, we publish a list in the New York Times. Of course, most of the Christians we choose to persecute not only don't read the Times, the majority of them can't read.

Soon, the hall is filled with NAD members, some of whom haven't seen the others since the event last July. Many books & documents are brought in, noted by some of the press: a copy of the Montgomery, Alabama, white pages; a bound collection called Who's Who In The G W Bush Administration, rosters of Young Conservative groups from several Texas colleges. The process is only for the group, & it takes a while, so the press corps chats with themselves, gets bored, then wanders home.

But for the members of NAD the night is young & the work has just begun!