For Close Comfort, Too

Reasonably priced, exceptionally well-worn. All-weather, seasonally sound. Vetted by over twelve product-liability organizations including but not limited to Damaged Newborn Incorporated, Smashy The Car, Elevensies, Head Neck & Shoulder Trauma 'R' Us, Weather Prophecy UK, Sempleton Smear, & Dolores Rainier, PhD. Focus-group tested in all Western & most Eastern European countries as well as most of the "red" states of these United States except Louisiana & Alberta. Subject to rigorous hypotheticals at food fairs & fun runs during the hot summer of 2007 & part of the warm autumn of 2006. Trendy but singular. Dependable, reliable, controversial, standard. Kid-safe, animal-friendly, for use in virtually every home, rented or foreclosed-upon. Solar powered (no batteries required) or operational with old-fashioned alternating current. For use with ages six months & up although you must be at least one meter tall to ride the ride. Not available for sale in "dry" counties or the Low Countries. Limited amounts so stock up today. Patents pending, patents impending, registered trademark, no contract, limited license. No signature or blood work required; acceptable use of the product implies understanding of property rights. Unacceptable use of the product is not recommended. Salt-free, fat-free, lactose-intolerant, manufactured on machines that may or may not have processed peanuts, coca leaves, or low-income families. Chemically neutral unless operated with alcoholic machinery. Happily the product is refunded if not entirely satisfied. Today's solution for tomorrow's youthful indiscretions. Kosher, no animal products intended, safe for diabetics & megalomaniacs. The taste grows on you. The growth tastes like you. A transformation of sensation for the "do it" generation. Ask for it by name! Tell your friends about it by name! Enjoy it by name!