The Last Nude Photographs Of Lucrezia Borgia

Daddy was a pope, the men who married her were dopes (& possibly doped), but what of the eminent scholars (or the eminent folks on scholarship) who have begun to maintain that this Renaissance Schemer was in fact one of the world's first champion speed skaters?

Most probably we can dismiss them are being quite weird, but Lucrezia Borgia often comes up - sometimes only as a fanciful interjection - in discussions of the War On Sailing. There are many allusions to her in the conspiratorial literature:

In Waldorf Salade's first series of abstracts of outlines of synopses of his upcoming series of detailed breakdowns of coffee-table books about famous people from Milan, he repeatedly refers to Lucrezia Borgia as "that fiery minx who broke my boy Giovanni [Sforza]'s heart." Sometimes the word "balls" replaces the word "heart." Salade's abstracts are thought by many to be a coded message about mineral futures between United States Senators & the minerals themselves.

In the War On Sailing, much is & will be made of the Pawhuska, Oklahoma, based screenwriter & shoe shine king, Bertie Fleck. Fleck has excelled over the past two decades at not only being the quickest shoe shiner that side of Tulsa, but also as the world's fastest playwright, having written over four thousand plays in twenty years. This does not count plays he starts but chooses not to finish (often because of spilling shoe polish on them). This also does not imply quality - some say Fleck's written works are as sloppy as his shoeshine work. Few know for sure - as soon as he's finished a play, he sends it directly to his Aunt Repo, who uses them to feed her emus. In any event, word trickled out & down that Fleck wrote a play in 2004 called "Perotto You Bastard!" in which Lucrezia Borgia's tryst with a messenger boy caused calamity at her annulment, which happened while her first famous "sex tape" was all over the Internet.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood in the 1930s, the lonely television industry, waiting for television to be invented, cranked out as many sitcoms as possible, in case television caught on really fast. Since they were basically doing this with no one watching, some of the shows were of a racy & hateful quality, & one in particular, called "Papal Bull!", was an anti-Catholic show which delighted in calling attention to hypocrisies in the Middle Ages Church. A young actress named Liz Melch played the naughty Lucrezia Borgia, & she might have gone on to play the role on real television, but she married a marble quarrier & moved to the Marmo Quarry, never to be heard of again.

A famous painting hanging in a famous waiting room of a famous New York psychoanalyst (the man who claims credit for inventing Mel Blanc) was suddenly stolen & then discovered hanging above Mamie Eisenhower's clothes hamper in the days before the McCarthy hearings. The painter is unknown, but it is said that the painting depicts the famous Cesare v. Alfonso feud, & legend has it Mamie pasted pictures of herself & Ike (& Checkers, Dick Nixon's dog) over various characters populating the canvas. The painting mysteriously disappeared after President Eisenhower's stroke.

Finally, we are reminded of a scene on a streetcorner in busiest Tokyo, where a bespectacled beard by the name of Hetero-San was seen screaming in the late days of the millenium to an uncaring sky, "Why? Why marry two dudes named Alfonso? Why? Fucking why?"

We cannot perhaps separate the Lucrezia Borgia myths from the Lucrezia Borgia truths, but we can certainly attempt to spread a few Lucrezia Borgia rumors to irk Lucrezia Borgia know-it-alls to spill the beans on the Lucrezia Borgia secrets we know they're Lucrezia Borgia keeping. That's what this entry is trying to do. The secretive fucks. This'll show them!