It's the fourth bridge disaster in as many disasters. We have been told stories of people who like to watch things fall down on an empty stomach, but this record crowd of innocent & frankly quite guilty bystanders has set records for castastrophe attendance in dying Midwestern cities that the Sun Belt will have a hard time topping. Suffice it to say, fried bread sales are through the roof.
A Federal Marshall with a long face & a tie covered with Disney characters kept the peace with gentle verbal sparring & the occasional gunshot to the sky. Local anatomists with powerful binoculars competed in the identification of random body parts & the town's morticians conspired with swimming & drug-sniffing dogs for their own nefarious purposes. The Red Cross stood around talking to each other in racial terms.
Whom do we blame for this & other so-called national tragedies? One of the town's fat cats, who has renamed himself Jonathan Pemberton Citizens United III, put his cigar out in his butler's uncomplaining palm & told reporters in a stage whisper, "I will make more money rebuilding this bridge with serfs than with union members!" He then left for his morning jog & circus taunt.
Where then are the common people in this? The amount of free jelly distributed by the churches cannot & will not be tabulated by government regulators. One protestor's sign, which read, "An itch is not always accompanied by an scratch," won an award for Best Margin, while three journalists attempt to master the Etch-O-Sketch. We are happy to report that, so far, no narwhals have been harmed.
