The number of sports teams in the contiguous United States has now more than quadrupled in earnings & emptiness. But did you know there was a time when a stick was a stick & a ball was a bearing? In a newly published "imagined historical treatise," Professor Kenneth Smash, DDS, attempts to trace the pantsless & sportsless United States of the Jeffersonian era to today, when sports instead of pants is the rule.
Critics are already spotty. An amateur chimney sweep & ESDN broadcaster who shall remain noseless has weighed in at two-hundred twenty-three pounds: "It's as fair as you can imagine but if you're going to get into a fight dude don't pick a fight with a judge, referee, umpire, or clown." The Americana Parcels, in a budge match with the O Canadian Pukes, issued separate statements of intent.
As summer turns overlappingly to autumn, meteorologists took time off from caffeine to meet in St. Louis for Judy Garland's sake. Ted "Doppler" Dopeler, winner of the prestigious "Colored Radar Stick" at last year's Weather Emmys, mentioned that history is not nor should be his strong suit: "You've heard that saying, right? If you don't like the weather around here, then fuck you!"
Can we learn from realities that really don't exist? Theologians look around furtively but prefer instead to have some tea. As websites explode with "other timelines," the profitable & obviously sleazy world of organized sporting prefers to look ahead to the next paycheck - & the next opportunity. Nerf Salesman Kermit Blurb says what others could be thinking: "If I didn't have sports, I might have other, better facts in my head."
