Maynard Holtz & The Limits Of Human Incompetence

Who was Smiley Man Smiley? The answers surprised no one. From a day spa in Oklahoma City's controversial "strip mall district" (also known as "Oklahoma City") to the oil-spattered shores of Angola (specifically Sumbe, but it could be true for Benguela as well) messages were sent, unencrypted, in briefcases & pinned to children's shirts so they wouldn't forget. "Amortization" was the magic word & every other default was someone else's fault. The other every other? The authorities would come to blame Maynard Holtz.

Known socially for casting & filming his own birthdays since he was twelve, Holtz employed a "plumber" (which was a code name for a real plumber with a gay ponytail who owned a sniper rifle signed by Charles Whitman) discovered in a mercenary magazines & the new, non-digest-sized TV Guide, who was known as Smiley Man Smiley. Smiley Man Smiley himself employed a cadre of Jim Croce impersonators who operated out of a studio known as the Bad Bad Leroy Brown building but who, as far as authorities could ascertain, were never hired to perform any of the soft-rock star's hits at parties, private functions, or clubs. It was suspected, of course, that they were the "plumber's friends," which made them the laughingstock of all meetings of the United Cover Bands Union, where they found relief only when the members of a suburban Foreigner tribute band would attend.

Holtz was seen cavorting (although other witnesses would claim he was carousing) with Smiley Man Smiley during at least three commercial breaks when Oklahoma City denizens would come out of their condominium cubicles to sit politely at a bar & watch three-fourths of an episode of "The Sons Of Anarchy" at a time. Holtz himself welcomed these diversions from continual church attendance, but never danced nor drank nor pinky-swore, as was sometimes the custom. The three confirmed conversations with Smiley Man Smiley would begin as shouting matches, but soon settled into what bartender Robert Magoo called "a huddle." This proved to be wise: with the two men so entangled, no one could hear what they discussed.

No one but Oklahoma City ATF Agent Jeremy Slow. Slow made his fortune by installing restrooms in Oklahoma City gas stations, & happened to be at Willard's Gas & Snax, the same gas station where pigeons were first cloned, when he saw a scribbling on the wall of one of his famous men's rooms, which read something like, "For a good time, call the Division Of Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms." One short night course later, he had been put in charge of the agency's Malignancy Division. Though short of funds & staff - he was allowed only twenty dollars a day & a faithful sidekick who had lost his ability to discern sarcasm at Waco - Slow noticed Smiley Man Smiley at a famous dog breeder's funeral, &, followed him after the chaos that ensued when they attempted to inter the man's dogs in his tomb. The commotion was caused by the fact that the dogs were still very much alive.

Smiley Man Smiley thought he had lost the plucky ATF rookie, but Slow had slipped into an adult video store where, it turned out, Maynard Holtz had his own private booth. Often confusing it for a confessional, Holtz told the Asian peep show dancers everything, including his bloody oil dealings in Angola, his numerous failed attempts to blackmail actual stars to appear on "Dancing With The Stars," & the financial deals which had him purchasing mortgages for disaffected Mexican drug lords, who mainly just wanted an in-ground pool & perhaps a nice little bungalow, somewhat away from the property, where they could keep their mothers-in-law fat & happy.

As expected, Holtz gave up everyone, especially Smiley Man Smiley, who, as you doubtless know, turned out to be none other than Roger Chillingworth, the antagonist of Nathaniel Hawthorne's masterpiece of sin & guilt, The Scarlet Letter. Being a fictional character, he was not allowed to take the stand, but it is said he still visits Maynard Holtz in his day-prison, & often gives him rides home at night, where the two stare bewilderedly at Holtz's ankle-bracelet monitor & get a little angry when commercials interrupt their favorite sitcom reruns.

As a post-script, Jeremy Slow, fresh from his first & only triumph as an ATF agent, quit the agency & now lives as a retired steamboat captain in land-locked Missoula, Montana.