Thursday, July 26, 2012

Not Safe For Work

In a small town in Ohio - let's call it Byhalia for the sake of argument, which is a real town but not the one we're talking about - a man with an incredible fear of horses was born.  Physicians with big teeth spent his childhood telling him that his fear of horses - equinophobia, it is called - will actually add to the quality of his life, since it will encourage him to do things to conquer that fear.  To that end, his parents enrolled him in an agricultural college.  This proved disastrous, as he was trampled more than once by horses who can, he insists, sense his fear.


It was at a horse show in Dubuque that he met both the woman he wanted to marry & the woman he did marry.  This was symptomatic of his life: there were things he wanted to do (stay the hell away from horses, marry a blonde massage therapist named Minday) & there were things he was told he must do (become a large animal veterinarian, marry his mother's best friend's chubby niece).  He also at this time began a love affair with automatic weapons & expensive chocolate.


"How many people," he told a journalist at his trail, "think night & day about killing the things they despise?  Because do not get me wrong, fear turns sour & that sourness is hate."  He practiced a sympathetic face in the mirror & even once, accidentally, told his wife in the throes of passion, with his eyes slightly tearing up, "I'm sorry for your loss."


This was back in the day when someone might be hanged for what he did, but instead he became well-known as one of the more caring large animal veterinarians in the county.  He insisted on autopsies of the beasts, but did them alone, so no one could see him hack into the creatures that caused him such pain & anxiety.  Early on there was an impulse to keep souvenirs from his dead enemies, talismans that perhaps could protect him, battle his fears.  He even began to think his father was right, that he was actually conquering a fear instead of becoming more & more mentally ill.


He might even have continued all his life, but his wife, feeling ignored & jealous, suspected he was having an affair, & discovered his murderous passion.