Scientists and their significant others gathered once again in Las Vegas this month for the annual Know-It-All Conference. The KIAC, as only one unpopular researcher calls it, is open to anyone who calls him- or herself a scientist, or those who play them on television or in the cinema. As such, people dressed like Lex Luthor or Linus Pauling are not uncommon, but in general, one is grateful that those who make a living in science has not developed a taste for cosplay.
Although there are reports of many backroom deals and sometimes deadly demonstrations of untested technology, the average visitor will get to see only boring workshops, interminable lectures, people with pale, pasty skin getting inebriated on light beer and cheap well drinks, and of course the obligatory condescending stripper. But this year someone accidentally left a door propped open, ostensibly for the pizza delivery guy, and some attendees got a firsthand glimpse, or more than a glimpse if they hid from security, of the fabled Secret Projects Hall.
Though the conference organizers still deny its existence, and do so sounding weirdly like former United States President John Tyler, some exposés online and in small-circulation magazines like I Told You So! and Mulder Was Right Monthly provide an incomplete but tantalizing look into what people generally smarter than you or I are clandestinely working on, when surely they could at the very least work on something like deodorant or antiperspirant. Below are a few projects allegedly in planning or in beta-testing by scientists of the world.
The Kitten Implicator. A dastardly breach of the feline-canine detente that has lasted centuries, the Kitten Implicator either makes dogs more cat-like, or vice versa; the device is said to "eliminate the non-specific difference between the pets." The name derives from the suburban belief that dogs receive more blame for mishaps around the house than cats. Worry-warts warn that the Kitten Implicator may bring to end the notion of a "dog person" or a "cat lady" entirely.
Electronic Fanny Tango. This bizarrely named device purports to control the minds of mosquitoes, although first trials suggest that it mainly affects male mosquitoes, and no one cares a whit about them.
New Touchy Bootlegger. A fascinating piece of equipment that can download a new movie before it is put online or even released to the theaters. Its creators will not admit that they are using a miniature black hole to power their machine, nor will they explain why the device cries when you whistle.
Dr. Electron Halloween Costume Kit For Teenagers. While this may seem self-explanatory, this is actually a solar-powered collapsible Christmas tree that can be repurposed as a Hanukkah menorah and also as something that says "Happy Good Kwanzaa" on it, available in three self-described "African" colors.
Homebound Dog Collar. Designed for people who would only like to pretend to be priests, presumably for moral or ethical reasons, this interesting jewelry-like contraption will, much like the "invisible fence" irresponsible dog owners use to torture their charges (no pun intended), deliver a low-level electric shock that increases in intensity the longer you are out among the parishioners.
Red Lightbulb. A red lightbulb, of a lovely hue. Most relaxing. Once it's on, it's on. When it is turned off, it lingers, like a sad memory, or the odor of someone who only eats bacon.
Condom Spaghetti. No one had any interest discovering anything about this.
NSA Fan Club Tattoos. Another bizarre name for a product, this intriguing invention attaches to your skin and encourages governmental spying. Whether it is designed for military or civilian applications is unknown, although the pranking community has expressed extreme interest.
Red Orgasm Sausage. While initial reports indicated that this foodstuff was made from the ejaculate of communists, later intelligence suggests it is simply excellent sausage developed from stem cells.
As more reports of the conference trickle out, there will naturally be more to report. Stay tuned, but not too tuned, as, you know, it does look a little suspicious.
