It behooves you - as well as I - as well as they - to keep track of the current literature, specifically the scientific literature - also, the airport-novel literature, but that's for another essay - on how human beings constantly create things - we call it "technology" - the effects of which we not only fail to foresee, but also we choose to deny or ignore. Until, of course, it is far past too late.
Cellular phones, invented by the Romans but not feasible for mass production until the Nazis, came into their own in the late 20th century. Powered by the body scrapings of ghouls, these helpful communication devices have proliferated to the point that, in the United States alone, even the unborn are offered cell phone plans. But wait! I hear you interrupt. Parts of ghouls? Wouldn't that make them radioactive? Of course it would.
Below are some common claims about cell phone effects & the latest scientific responses to them. Please take them with a healthy dose of skepticism. If you see something you know to be false, text me.
Claim # 1: Cell phones feed off the plasma in your blood.
True. Ghouls, while perfectly fine as a power source for jumbo jets & all-night raves in abandoned warehouses, need human blood plasma to sustain themselves - even in tiny pieces - over long periods of time. The Catholic Church pioneered ghoul technology after they exploded the first atomic bomb in 1254 CE, but ghoul technology remains hopelessly misunderstood - partly because the church tends to fund more grants to prove the Bible can zip around in the air by itself.
Claim # 2: Ringtones are codes designed for secretly communicating with alien circus freaks.
Undetermined. The rise of alien circus freaks in most of the world's alien interactions has coincided with the rise of cell phone technology. However, as captured alien circus freaks have apparently only mastered Esperanto, it's impossible as yet to know why they have begun visiting Earth en masse. If you speak Esperanto, please contact your local alien apprehension squad. If you cannot find your local alien apprehension squad, please look in the phone book under "contact lens repair." There. That's them.
Claim # 3: A cellular phone can distill liquor.
False. Who told you that, anyway?
Claim # 4: Several legislative bodies all over the globe, including the United States, are debating adding amendments to their respective incorporation documents guaranteeing their citizens the right to a cell phone.
Undetermined. But would it surprise you?
Claim # 5: Cell phone are of the devil.
A little bit true, a little bit false. Of course, there is no "devil," although there are some American politicians who believe so & have acted accordingly, drinking the blood of children & gutting environmental laws. But if "of the devil," one means "evil," then most certainly cell phones have more of a capacity for evil than good. While a cell phone might be handy, for example, when your automobile breaks down by the side of the road, so you can call for help or chat with your mom or what-not, an annoying cell phone ring is 452% more likely to get you beat the fuck up than a home phone.
Claim # 6: All I need is my cell phone & a label maker & I am set.
What? Who submitted this? I'm trying to write a serious article here. Come on!
Claim # 7: While we don't know what cell phones are really doing to us & to our environment, they can't be as bad as the paranoid folks think.
Dream on, bright eyes.
