As we approach (with approbation) another holiday season, emphasis ought to be given, we feel, to imaginary traditions, never practiced or followed, before we kowtow to the (frankly) blatantly Iron Age rituals we use our platinum credit cards to observe.
The War On Sailing would like everyone to begin the holiday season by handing out maps to different cities or countries (you can buy them in used bookstores or steal them from used gas stations) to strangers you happen to meet while out & about. The National Geographic maps from different periods of time are especially fun. Offer no explanation, simply say, "Have a map!" If pressed, perhaps you can tell everyone you're an out-of-work cartographer.
The War On Sailing encourages the substitution of tofu for virtually every normal holiday foodstuff, at least half the time. Tofurkey, tofu nog, tofu candy canes - there are any number of confusing substitutions you can make that will have at least one uncle leaving in a huff pretending to quote the Bible.
The War On Sailing appreciates the atonal or otherwise stony delivery of your favorite carol. Imagine how Nico would sing it, & there you are. Reciting them as if you're a modern poet in a modern poetry reading is also fine. The key is to convince others you're "reimagining" the stodgy seasonal ditty, while really you're just trying to annoy.
Lest you think that the War On Sailing wants to replace "good tidings & good cheer" with "confusion & spite" as the target emotions for the yuletide, we want to encourage more than good wishes - we demand you be supportive. For even the most rudimentary of tasks, you should shout, "Excellent work!" Often call for "three cheers!" for a co-worker or a family member who needs a boost. Serial hand-shaking is also much desired. The more folks shake hands, you know, the less they have palm-space for guns, knives, or other implements of violence.
The War On Sailing would also ask that the more mischievous of you make a habit of gainsaying during the month of December. This is especially delightful with political-minded relatives or friends, & works with both the liberal- & the conservative-minded. Preface any remark to a strident opinion with, "Do you really think that's true?" Of course they will, so you can follow with, "I just don't think that's true." Most people of this ilk will strive to prove their point, & it takes virtually no knowledge of the subject matter to simply deny an assertion out of hand. Exasperation for them can mean hilarity for you!
Finally, the War On Sailing reminds you that killing a tradition is not nearly as dishonorable as it seems. Slavery, female circumcision, bowl game parades - these are all "traditions" which are considered morally reprehensible by most persons in the universe today, but once upon a time they were accepted, even defended, by the vast majority of people. Alas, they were never truly replaced with an opposite number, & that's the task we've set out for you.
If only to have a little fun, this holiday season, kick your favorite tradition where it counts.
