Editor's note: John Hitlers was born with an undeniably awful name but choose to endure humiliation, scorn, beatings, and notoriety (though he is in no way related to Adolph Hitler) rather than change it, which is exactly what his siblings and his parents did. He is an historian of some note, although he has never worked in academia, and has never had anything published, choosing mainly to correspond with other historians and working nights at Panda Express. Here, with his kind permission, is a letter received this past week by Your Historian, discussing recent events. It shows the amazing breadth & scope of his knowledge.
Dear Dr. Chamberlain,
You know that I, John Herbert Hitlers, would never gainsay your immaculate observations but your recent tirade against ISIL must be picked apart and re-created. You begin with so many misobservations about the group, then cherry-pick from there. It will behoove you to rein in your ponies and engage in what Transcendental Meditation founder Maharishi Mahesh Yogi referred to as "shutting the hell up."
In the consequence of failed state situations - you'll recall at last June's barbecue we made that undergraduate cry when she attempted to answer the ludicrous "Venezuela Question" - we have good times - the vacuum into which nature's abhorrence throws terrorist groups is not well-sealed. Indeed, under the "Bush Doctrine," such vacuums are to be populated by middle-of-the-road, fast-food-restaurants-in-disguise, like Olive Garden, or T.G.I. Cheddar's; such fertile ground for Type II Diabetes and Hypertension ought not be overlooked! No one (except experts on the region) expected a horror show best reserved for a child's nightmare about Chuck E. Cheese in clown make-up!
But to address the points you failed to make, and the solutions you chose not to share with me:
1) Much has been made about ISIL's use of Social Media. I confess I've asked my granddaughter to explain to me what this means, but she cannot call me, as she has a phone that is not connected, as mine is, to the telephone wires. I do get her answering machine, but she explains that often forgets to "plug the phone in." Funny how technology complicates things, yes?
2) Journalists being beheaded may seem novel to the youth of today, but I was there when they lopped Carl Bernstein's noggin off, and at the time, no one batted an eye. As our culture becomes used to ideas like "respect" and "freedom of the press," I believe that important traditions - including, it must be said, ones that seem now quaint and terrifying - have been lost as we've feminized, then inexplicably re-masculinized, our culture.
3) You imply that I don't know a thing about Islam! I infer that you have implied that. You infer from my implication that I am some kind of idiot. Mostly all of these are true. A young lady who hit me over the head with a pro-Palestine placard this summer while I was trying to get to my local Taco Bell explained to me that peace was possible because we are all "people of the book." When I suggested to her that perhaps that book was A Young Woman's Guide To Manhandling, she hit me over the head.
4) Having said all that, from the time I've spent in Middle Eastern food restaurants, I can assure you that too much hummus is a good thing, all things considered. You may say, "Every time I have a falafel, I feel awful" (and you do, every damn time we eat at Ali Baba's), but I say, "No one can be a douche with all this baba ghanoush!" Which is why the United States must intervene, if not with drones, than with spoons and forks. No more chopsticks diplomacy, I say! Remember what happened in Vietnam, and later at the nice Vietnamese place in the square?
Sir, I hope you have taken no offense with the offense I have meant to give. Indeed, your friendship means the world to me. In spite of the location of your head so far up your ass you can see outside your eyes two times over (just think about it), you will often let me sleep at your house when I have set fire, once again, to my apartment, and that reminds me: I'll be needing your futon in six days.
As always, yours respectfully,
John H. Hitlers, esq.
