While it's certainly true that no one you know has ebola, there's evidence to suggest that everyone you know will contract ebola and die from it in the very near future. Dr. Guggenheim George from the Centers for Disease Catastrophe (or CDC) (not to be confused with the governmental organization with the same acronym) has sounded the alert on the three websites (not including this one) who pay attention to him:
"I have spent so much or even no time in West Africa, and I can say with utmost civility that rampant, airborne exchanges will characterize the last part of year 2014, and when the new year starts, when the virus finally mutates into something so awful people will be clutching their groins in anticipatory terror, then, and only then, will I change my clothes and remove this mask from my face."
But what of the disease itself? "It's feeling great!" says Charlene Brass Booth, a specialist in simple molecular organisms and their emotional needs. "Wouldn't you? You're allowed to reproduce with very little resistance, thanks to the fearmongering, misinformation, governmental incompetence, and, so far, a fairly decent autumn television season. Who could ask for more?"
Other viruses could, that's who. While the common cold (ironically) was out sick, spokescreatures from the family Orthomyxoviridae emphasized the deadliness of their product and their commitment to death and heartbreak for the winter 2014-2015 season. "Who's better than the flu?" head cheerleader Piece Of RNA chanted, "No ebola, that's for shu!" Later, insults were hurled at the most recently developed vaccine, threats were delivered at elderly people getting that vaccine at pharmacies, and videos of Jenny McCarthy were played at a high volume, to much cheering.
Representatives of other common diseases were not reached for comment. In fact, they weren't even asked. We felt we had enough for this story. The editors asked for a piece "around three hundred words" and we delivered. In spades. Way more than three hundred words. We're good at this.
